suddenlystruttin

Suddenlystruttin's Spectacular Summer Movie Smackdown

2008-06-27T13:40:00.000-07:00

We were looking at the office calendar earlier this week and [spit take!] realized that it's nearly July, which mean that the month of June is nearly over and that it's a matter of days until we start reminiscing about our dad passing out in the kiddie pool with a bottle of High Life pouring out onto the grass on the 4th of July. J/K, dad, we know you were never around for holidays. But we digress! with summertime comes a ton of Hollywood blockbusters and we'd be remiss as all fuck if we weren't willing to put our two cents into previewing some of the bigger flicks this season, so without further ado...

Wall-E

Some movie about, I don't know, robots? Great, well, I'm sure it's safe to assume that this animated romp has no truth nor fact and that it does not accurately portray robots as having taken over the universe and crushing mankind. Sorta like how the Y2K bug was snuffed out by the CIA and the Order of the Pentagram...

Hancock

Will Smith narrates and Jason Bateman has a cameo as the construction crane that helped create the architectural masterpiece that is the John Hancock Building. Starting with the landmark building's foundation as a humble landfill in the Streeterville neighborhood of Chicago and continuing the story of how the building came to be the 5th tallest building in the USA and paragon of the structural expressionist style of architecture that it is today. Charlize Theron also stars as "The Signature Room" where over one million people have been served in the 95th floor's famous lounge and restaurant.

The Dark Knight

Christian Bale stars as a conflicted knight in King Arthur's court in this medieval morality play. Is his dedication to the King and his own chivalry enough to resist the advances of the comely maiden? Ribaldry (and hilarity) are sure to ensue!

A Few Words on Chicago's Crosstown Showdown

2008-06-20T12:19:00.000-07:00

Tom and I talked about MLB's interleague scheduling on the podcast this week and how even though neither of us had a problem with it, we just didn't -- for the most part -- understand what all the fuss was about. After all, every pro league in the US has had inter-conference/league play for the better part of the past 50 years and yet, when MLB went to it in the mid 90s the media made it seem as if the skies had opened up and with a bolt of thunder the Gods of Sport had decried that "Yes, this was right and good." Meanwhile, the teenage version of me was left muttering who gives a shit and when does college football season start again? Flash forward to 2008 and the mainstream sports media still sports a raging boner for interleague play; por example: Cubs vs. White Sox this weekend. Granted, both squads are in first place in the respective divisions; however, even when both teams are struggling to keep their heads above the .500 mark ESPN, WGN, The Sun-Times and the Trib are shilling these contests to the masses as if it were midseason World Series. Most galling is the absolute belief that the fans of both the Cubs and Sox have in thinking that this series is Oh, So Crucial and Relevant to the fate of the Second City. For those of us in the know, we're all far too aware that the only real loser when these squads collide isn't the North or South Side of Chicago but dignity itself. A tale of the tape, necessary? By all means!

Cubs vs White Sox: Pros

- Having both teams fan bases in the same stadium at the same time affords terrorists (who have grown sick of the constant media attention) the unique opportunity to, indeed, kill two birds with one stone.

- Having both teams fan bases in the same stadium at the same time affords West Side sports separatists (who have been clamoring for a West Side pro franchise) the unique opportunity to, indeed, kill two birds with one stone and make a pitch to West Side efficiency?)

- Having both teams fan bases in the same stadium at the same time affords both parties the unique opportunity to attempt to "outmurder" the other side. And since there will probably be metal detectors this means the sloven troglodytes from both the North and South will have to display an iota of creativity in finding a murder weapon upon entering the "friendly confines." Hopefully, there'll be at least one case of a forced drowning within a toilet or (even better!) a trough..

Cubs vs White Sox: Cons

- The rules of baseball do not afford ties. Sadly, one team or the other will have to win every game.

- With aforementioned win will come inevitable bluster and braggadocio from the curmudgeonly American mule (Lou Piniella) or cantankerous Venezuelan burro (Ozzie Guillen)

Feel free to add your own Pros or Cons in the comments and have a great weekend...

Dust to Dust

2008-06-19T10:05:00.000-07:00

"Annnnnnd we're back, annnnnnnd we're staying focused."

So the grand experiment that was me writing for The Tyra Banks Show has officially come to a close and, shockingly!, I had nothing to do with my own being laid off. Nope, my poor friend the Web Producer was fired for being far too smart for her own good. Which really sucks, but I'm quite sure that she'll land on her feet.

In any case, I owe my poor, neglected, little corner of the Internet a heartfelt apology. Dear Suddenlystruttin.blogspot.com, I'm sorry I'm such a wretched blogger. Sincerely, Tony Ritz. So what's new with old Tony Ritz? Well, I've got a few irons in the fire right now including some freelance work for the Not For Tourists series of guidebooks and my first reviews should be posted by the end of next week...details to follow. And as usual, Thomas and myself have been up to our rambling and non-sensical sports blathering at 3 Yards and a Cloud of Lust. In the meantime, I'm looking for an ever better blogging/writing gig to replace the dearly departed (and horribly named) "Single and Fierce" of tyrashow.com

Tyra Update

2008-04-06T10:44:00.000-07:00

First two Tyra blogs are up at her show's website which is right here.

Unfortunately, my editor/friend had to remove a couple of choice lines from my Q&A blog, so, here on struttin is the part that was removed. *Note, I found it to be a pretty funny response to "How Do I know if a Guy Like Me for Me?" Or whatever...

A second really important question to ask yourself is how much sex you're having and in what positions? If you're having less than one romp in the sheets per day, you should seriously re-evaluate how committed your man is to you. Granted this is sort of the opposite “just my looks” but it's still important. Second and more important is knowing what positions your man is asking for on a frequent basis. If it's “doggystyle” DON”T WORRY! you're in the clear. Your man is totally down with you being an awesome girl with a great personality and if anything is mortified of your face/breasts/entire front side. And has thus chosen “doggystyle” as the most physically distancing positions. Sure, us guys have come up with tons of clever excuses for asking for this position a lot, “It feels great,” “It gives me a real sense of power,” “Let's me know we're that much closer” all are popular ones. But mark my words, he's totally cool with your personality and is, in fact, probably only dating you for your personality and “coolness.”

Memphis Grizzled.

2008-03-26T19:56:00.000-07:00

Somebody care to tell me why this guy is still on a roster? Albeit for the Memphis Grizzlies, but still! Damn! Yo, and he's not on some Zeke-defying "Golden Oldies" shit, like Deke is either, uh uh, McKie oughta be fuckin' flipping burgers if he still has that drive and passion. Wait, according to the wiki on dude, he was just some spare parts sent over in the Gasol trade. "Phew."

As Midwest as Urban Decay

2008-03-26T18:26:00.000-07:00

One of many shitty photos of pandas I took in San Francisco, thanks a lot technology!

Back from California last night and discovered that not only had all of the snow from Chicago's abrupt and not-so-mysterious blizzard of last Friday melted, but also, that in spite of being drunk for four days in a row I could still go out for a few beers at the Green Eye. An even better discovery was made while still in San Francisco yesterday morning, when, my friend and partner in nepotistic notions, Alex called me and congratulated me on being selected as one of two male bloggers selected to write about being a dude, single and, presumably, awesome for the Tyra Banks Show's website. I'm really not sure what to expect at all, except I feel as though this whole situation has the possibility of hilarity. In any case, I'm getting a digital video camera I can take out and horse around with.

As for the rest of California it was fantastic. Easter was spent at Santa Monica Beach and at the dinner table with six great friends. [Shitty Metaphor Alert -Ed.] San Francisco was clear at first but became as hazy and confusing as a bank of fog rolling off the Pacific. And I honestly can hardly remember the experience except that I enjoyed it and found myself in a Chinatown Dollar Store at 6 pm PST taking pictures of stuffed animal pandas kissing and then picture messaging them to friends. Jesus, who the fuck am I? Peter King on acid? In any case, I ended up loving my visit to California and walked away from O'Hare with the same feeling I get after returning from NYC: It's great to visit, but to live there? No thanks.

California Update

2008-03-22T21:11:00.001-07:00

Just got back from the LA Gun Club and HOLY SHIT are Glocks fun to shoot. Easily the most awesome thing I've done this year is shoot this handgun. Exhilarating. That's all I can say. Beyond the firearms Los Angeles has been great. Hung out in Echo Park with my old friend Bobby and his wife at their apartment yesterday during the day and went out a couple of douchey LA celeb-wannabe bars last night. Made our own fun by telling lies and sipping ryes.

Goin' to the beach tomorrow. More to come. Also, took some video at the gun club-loud as Gods fucking is one way to describe it- in any case, I'll try and get it posted on the site next week when I'm back in Chicago.

Live! From Oklahoma City

2008-03-20T12:49:00.000-07:00

Chicago, New York, Los Angeles, Seattle, Boston, Detroit? Those skylines are mere sand castles compared with Oklahoma City!

Greetings from Will Rogers World Airport [World? Not International? Weird- Ed.] I'm in Oklahoma City's airport on a layover between Chicago and Los Angeles. And, yes. Oklahoma is flatter than even the other parts of the Midwest. Furthermore, I've heard "Big'Un" once and "not those kinds" once. It's as if every yokel in the state descended en masse and via tractor to this airport to witness the spectacle of "them thar flyin' contraptions." All that being said, the airport has OMG TEH WIFI! and a sports bar with the NCAA tourney on. "Hello, Beer. Old friend, trusted lover!" In any case here's what's been going on with my life:

Going to LA to visit this roguish character: Ted

I scored an internship with this record label. Yeah, me and Public Relations, we're like Starsky and Hutch or Peanut Butter and Jelly.

And I threw my hat into the ring for a blogging job with the Tyra Banks Show. (fingers snappin') "Oh, Girrrll!"

Just Like Cooked Crack, We're Back

2008-03-17T14:22:00.000-07:00

Hey, we were talking to the brainiac staff over at dport7 last week and realized that we missed blogging. So, yeah, we're here and are going to be talking a lot about the NBA and Chicago; just not this week. We're taking off for sunny LA and San Francisco on Thursday, so -no surprise here- posting should be erratic this week.

Love,

Tony Ritz and Staff

Funny, Funny Stuff.

2008-01-21T00:23:00.000-08:00

We've got a taste for the irreverent over here at suddenlystruttin, and if there's one funny and wacked out show available on the internet every week that we make sure to catch it's Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! Here's a clip.

The Cloverfield Post

2008-01-18T00:05:00.000-08:00

I went to see Cloverfield last night at the midnight showing and if you like Monster Movies, like I do, than you'll probably realize that this film is really great. If you don't like Monster flicks you'll probably leave the theatre scratching your head and saying, "What's all the fuss about?" Plenty of critics will be praising the director for incorporating so many 9/11 allegories, fear of technology et cetera into the plot, however, for me it's simply a very satisfactory film that takes a tired genre and introduces a lot of very cool new twists to it. Now I'm not going to sit here and type away every single spoiler to the film,Minor Spoiler Alert but, if you know my taste in movies, you know I love it when the good guy does not win in the end and Cloverfield definitely did not disappoint in that regard. The monster that rampages through lower Manhattan, and presumably all of New York, is a real freak and I'm very curious to hear the backstory (if any) on the origins of it, that being said there are some very gratuitous and crappy looking close up shots of the monster that kinda made me want to laugh out loud. Go see it, and I hope you'll enjoy it.

Corn fed Caucus

2008-01-10T16:10:00.000-08:00

In spite of this site's time-honored mantra/lifestyle of rampant boozing, mocking of floozies and sending out death threats to Cash Warren; the staff and I occasionally [and completely by accident, I might add. -Ed.] post a humorous, honest portrayal of life, such is the case today. One of my longtime cohorts has recently returned from the violent, bizarre hinterland known as "Iowa"* where he was working for one of the presidential nominees in the months leading up to the Iowa Caucus last week. Here is his story.

Full disclosure: I was roped into penning this blog post as rent payment for Tony allowing me to crash on his couch for the next few days. Let's just say it was preferable to the other option.

I write to you as a free man, someone who is thankfully a couple hundred miles on the civilized side of the Iowa border. For the past three months, I've lived in Des Moines and worked on a presidential campaign. I've been locked in a windowless building, endured miserable hours, eaten a shameful amount of pizza, smoked entirely too many cigarettes and endured miserable weather.

However, despite it all, I am still happy that I made the choice to move to Iowa. So, allow me to share with you the three things that you need to know about the Iowa caucuses so that you too can sound like an embittered, exhausted and beaten down campaign operative.

Iowa and Iowans are completely unremarkable.

You have most likely never considered the state of Iowa or the plight of Iowans and I implore you to continue to do so. It would be unfair to bash Iowans unnecessarily, though it would also be unfair to assign them mystical qualities that allow them to look deep into the souls of political candidates. You will often hear anecdotal evidence about how Iowans are better informed politically than the rest of the country. This is a complete lie.

Like every other state in the union, a few Iowans are extremely well informed politically, however the vast majority don't give a shit. The myth that Iowans are better informed was merely developed as a justification for allowing Iowa to hold the first-in-the-nation caucus. Given the fact that Iowa has few urban centers and even fewer minorities, it is actually ill suited to determine the presidential nominee (the same holds true for New Hampshire). States like Ohio, Pennsylvania and Michigan, with their excellent mix of urban and rural populations, immigrant populations and varying political views would serve as much better venues. However, you shouldn't fault Iowans for fighting tooth and nail to retain its status given the amount of money and attention that is directed at the state.

The fate of the free world is decided by children.

Campaign staff is largely made of people in the twenties. This is not just the field organizers and interns – this includes senior staff and managers. This leads to embarrassing drunken outings in which you witness coworkers and senior staff members drunkenly pawing at one another and engaging in reckless and awesome behavior. Personally, I applaud such behavior, especially given the stressful and lonely environment that people are forced to work. However, it is important to dispel the myth that old white men in suits are directing the ship. For those looking to relive their college escapades, there is no better place to go then a presidential campaign.

Caucuses are awful and undemocratic.

Given the unprecedented amount of money that was poured into the Iowa caucuses and the unusually completive nature of the race this past year, some light was shed into the bizarre process that is a caucus. If you still don't know what a caucus is, don't fret, because the vast majority of Iowans – including, I suspect many of last week's attendees – have no idea how it works. The most common misconceptions regarding a caucus were that is takes place in Des Moines, that you have to give a speech and that it costs money. While all of those are false, there is still enough silliness and absurdity that does take place to consider the entire ritual a farce.

In the Democratic party caucus, instead of casting a ballot, a caucus-goer must stand in a corner to support a candidate. (In fact, one does not have to caucus for a candidate and can instead caucus for an issue, like Darfur or ice cream) After the first counts are taken, people supporting other candidates can try to persuade others to move over to their corner. Now, despite the copious talking points provided by each campaign, the exchange would often go like this:

“Frank, what are you doing supporting Hillary?”

“Because I like her health-care plan.”

“Frank, come on. I shoveled your walk last week, come and stand with me in the Obama corner. Also, Debbie made some of her nice sugar cookies that everyone is enjoying over there.”

Much of the caucus is devoted to crowd control. That is, keeping other campaign's supporters away from your supporters. Finally, one can not absentee caucus. So, that means that senior citizens fearful of the weather – a contributing factor to Hillary's loss – those working at 7pm, and, perhaps most egregious, soldiers serving abroad can not participate.

The caucuses are over and done with to the relief of a great many, including myself. The process and the parties involved represent the height of absurdity and one is tempted to laugh until they realize that they this process will ultimately decide the next president of the United States.

*Native American for "Land of corn and fat, boring, pale-faces."

Quit Your Bellyachin'

2008-01-09T15:44:00.000-08:00

Sorry, the staff and I have been working harder than a cat trying bury a turd on a marble floor the past few days. Crashing at the suddenlystruttin's official apartment/office is a long time friend who will have an exciting contribution to the blog in the next few days. Complicating matters has been our ongoing "job hunt" that has taken exciting BUT time consuming new twists in the past week. Hopefully posting shall get back to a quasi-daily basis later this week, in the meantime, amuse yourself with the "Apache" video.

Jackass of the Week

2008-01-04T13:30:00.000-08:00

Head Colds

I hate being sick and getting laid low by some treacherous upper-respiratory infection is the worst. In any case, I've been outta commission most of the day. Hopefully, I'll get some content up over the weekend pertaining to the BCS Championship Game, so that y'all have reading material in your cubicles on Monday. Have a good weekend.

Spiked Balls

2008-01-03T10:40:00.000-08:00

This is funny.

Chris Bosh: Totally Rad Dude

2008-01-03T09:04:00.000-08:00

I love it when athletes make tremendous attempts at being humorous and displaying personality and when the athlete is my second favorite NBA big man (behind Andris Biedrins) all the better. Say what you will but I'm a huge fan of athletes making the extra effort and showing a sense of humor while still dominating in the arena of athleticism.

The Kindle Review

2008-01-02T11:24:00.001-08:00

Let me say right off the bat, that the Kindle's primary function, to allow readers instant access to books, blogs, newspapers and magazines, is performed flawlessly with nary a hitch in the entire process. At any given time with this device in your hands you can look up anything in the Kindle store. Now, that being said there are some seriously awesome things about this lil guy and sadly, a few too many major but not fatal flaws with the Kindle.

Pros

The Display:
The screen and especially the electronic-paper appearance is startlingly crisp and extremely easy on the eyes. It has no backlighting and a very glare-free screen that affords you the ability to read this thing in any kind of lighting.

EVDO Connectivity:
Holy. Balls. is this fucking thing fast! Books, big books with thousands and thousands of words come to your finger tips in the time it takes to snap said fingers together.

The Obvious
Books showing up in your hand on an electronic screen that actually makes you forget it's on a screen at all.

The Coolness:
Not quite at the level of early-adapter iPod owners in ought one or early-ought two, but still the panache is intact with Kindle.

_________________________________________________________________
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The Cons

EVDO Connectivity + Impossibly Primitive Web Browsing
As wonderfully fast as "teh Internet" is on Kindle, the entirely lacking web capabilities render it practically moot, if not for the whole "download words real fast" thingy going for it. Seriously, Kindle with EVDO is akin to a '87 Buick Century being outfitted with a Ferrari engine. Amazon had best get some sort of circa 2008 web browsing on this gadget if they're hoping to be anything more than a speed bump on the highway to immediate information.

Interface/Design:
Look, I'm not asking for anything as groundbreaking and minimalist as the iPhone. But when the four buttons you have for navigating the electronic pages are "Previous Page," "Next Page," "Next Page," and "Back," you're not thinking hard enough. Yo, and that up and down click wheel has gotta go. I mean, shit!, fucking Centipede had a left-right-up-down trackball in 1980!
And if I may continue [It's your blog, have at it hoss. -Ed.] the coloration and hard angles of Kindle is more reminiscent of those box PCs from the 1990s than anything I've seen this century. I wanna be getting cutting edge, not a Dell!

Flawed Purchase Plans:
Paying for blogs? Excuse me, but eat a dick! You really expect me to pay any amount of cash to read the opinions of my peers, chirping chicken heads, frat boys and soccer moms? Yeah, Amazon's gotta do something about that. Also, ten bucks a month for the Wall Street Journal? Am I getting a handjob with that shit? Cause, at those prices I better be, what with the whole no images thing and you know the whole $79 dollar price tag for the web version as opposed to $120 annually for less pictures and worse site navigation.

Conclusion:
Love the idea and not a fan of the execution. I'll reiterate, the Kindle does it's primary job supremely well but it does need some well-thought out tweaking.

Happy Day After New Year's

2008-01-02T08:57:00.000-08:00

The staff of dport left a comment to me on their website saying how they expected some sort of NYE revelry review, so I'll try to get to that in this post. More importantly longtime suddenlystruttin follower and fellow blogger, bella french, has updated and revamped her little corner of cyberspace like mad and it's looking good, check it out right here. And speaking of updated/risen like the Phoenix-type site updates, Uncle Urb has recently tossed his hat back into the bloggers ring, click here for, eventually?, hilarious content.

Onto New Year's Eve, as previously mentioned I don't really get the purpose of this holiday-- it's about college football games and hangovers, right-- but I do love the, seemingly, laissez-faire attitude that people embrace on this night, the "I've got work in two days and am up to my neck in credit card debt after the holiday, but Fuck It! I will buy that magnum of Moet and an eight ball" attitude. Suffice it to say, I went out with a bottle of Old Granddad to a house party a few blocks from my apartment and had a lot of fun drinking Boilermakers, dancing like a fool, --Scene Missing-- then coming home. The best part about coming home was waking up --Scene Missing-- and then waking up again much later, like around 6:30 am on my couch in my underwear and wearing my winter coat. Yeah, not sure what happened in a few spots. Hope everybody had a great night!

Site Update

2007-12-31T11:26:00.000-08:00

Hola everybody, the staff and I have been buried under an avalanche of very real and very fun obligations in the non-cyber world, on top of that we've had a crippling head cold, thus, the dearth of updates and or goodness on the blog for the past few days. In any case that should hopefully change after tomorrow. In the meantime, have a great New Year's Eve, I really don't understand the point of the holiday, but I do like the revelry associated with it. Be safe and if anyone gets caught in jail, you konw what to do, call someone else.

Bullish and Bearish: Only Bullish Edition

2007-12-28T09:14:00.000-08:00

In this week's segment of B&B suddenlystruttin covers the good and the bad of the past week.

Bullish

Kindle

Underneath the tree, wrapped in a tidy little bow, with a card that read: To: Tony Ritz, was this season's most-bangin' and newest technological marvel: the Kindle from Amazon. Now, I'll be laying down an all out tech review on this gizmo next week, but for now here's the hottness:

Kindle's wifi network is free, fast and awesome. I can't wait for somebody to crack these things and make them more web capable.

The screen is extremely readable in any lighting and there is very little glare to deal with. It's not as image friendly as I'd want, for instance: with my Wall Street Journal subscription there are no images available whatsoever, but all the printed content is right there.

That's all I've got for now on Kindle, but, like I said, check in next week for the full review.

Midweek Updates

2007-12-26T07:52:00.000-08:00

Hope everyone had a great Christmas with tons of cheer. I, for one, had a sweet and sour Christmas; on the sweet side I went to my uncle's house in south-central Ohio and shot some guns and bows and ate a ton of turkey and ham. On the sour side I hung out with my dad's girlfriend's family on Christmas Eve and that's always capital A-wkward. In any case the staff and I have compiled some fun links-holiday related and otherwise.

Air Force Ones Turn 25
The signature shoes of the NBA, street-culture and hip hop turn 25 this week, and, yes, they're still fresh as hell.

Evidence A in the State's defense of AF1s continuing "Freshosity": Charles Barkley's Throwback Edition

How Many?
I saw this over at the Big Lead originally and it is too much fun to pass up. Click on the link and find out how many five year olds you could take at once. I got to 28 and I'm sure that there are at least a few readers out there with even fewer moral qualms than me...

Tiger Attack!
I guarantee you however many five year olds this whole website and the readers could take down, one tiger could easily treble that effort. As I was reading the story I found myself hoping, well, expecting the two victims to have opened the tiger cage and tried tickling it with a feather, alas that was not the case.

New Year's Eve Plans?
What's everybody doing? I'll be nestled in my cozy bed with some netflixxed episodes of Gilmore Girls by around quarter 'til ten, but leave your New Year's Eve plans in the comments.

Merry Christmas

2007-12-25T18:45:00.000-08:00

Yuletide Greetings from Suddenlystruttin'!

Site Update

2007-12-21T11:58:00.000-08:00

Due to being incredibly busy [Drunk-Ed.] for the next few days, suddenlystruttin will be updating sporadically until, oh, let's say to next Thursday. Happy Holidays! If you're driving don't drink, and if you drink don't drive.

Suddenlystruttin's Bowl Predictions, Part 3

2007-12-20T09:35:00.000-08:00

Cotton Bowl
Arkansas Razorbacks vs Missouri Tigers
Dallas, Texas

"So Much Cotton Candy," said Darren McFadden when visualizing Missouri's defense.

The Missouri Tigers have had a nice little, season long run as a very good offensive team with a defense that crumples against any opposing offense with half a brain in the backfield and a capable pair of legs to handle the rushing responsibilities. Arkansas' offense is more than capable at demolishing Mizzoo's suspect defense in any formation, but with the Wild Hog formation I expect to see sparks flying from the mouths of both Felix Jones and Darren McFadden as they morph into the ground gobbling forces of nature that they can be.

Arkansas 44, Missouri 24

Suddenlystruttin's Bowl Predictions, Part 2

2007-12-19T22:28:00.000-08:00

Chick-Fil-A Bowl
Clemson vs Auburn
Atlanta, Georgia

Huh, a peach? That's weird.

If I can put my cantankerous, grouchy hat on for just a minute, this bowl game was once known as the "Peach Bowl" and I actually used to have an iota of respect for it. I know, I know, "sounds like somebody has a case of the 'used tas,' but c'mon!, this game is now sponsored by some insanely Christian company-albeit, deliciously insane-that doesn't even have their restaurants open on Sundays for fear of invoking "the one true God's almighty wrath" All the more fitting, I suppose that this bowl pits two teams from the Bible Belt in a battle of which team God loves more. Fuck it, I was using this whole bowl game as a platform to rail against the born-agains. In any case, I am totally calling for the Tigers who's team color is orange to win.* No, but seriously, I'm totally picking Auburn to romp through, over and around Clemson.

* That's a joke, now see, both squads are nicknamed the Tigers and sport orange as their predominant color.

Suddenlystruttin's Bowl Predictions

2007-12-18T19:29:00.000-08:00

Rummaging through the archives I realized it's been over a month since we last discussed college football and with Bowl Season about to kickoff, no pun intended, I thought we should breakdown some of the more, ahem, "important" (read, Big Ten or whatever games Tony Ritz wants to discuss) games.

In No Particular Order...

Alamo Bowl
Paterno State versus Texas A&M
San Antonio, Texas

The Alamo: The site of Joe Paterno's first loss as a coach, way back in 1836.

Texas A&M has been as up and down as Paterno State has been all season, along with having the added element of a defense that disappears for long stretches of games-see, @ Miami. Meanwhile, Paterno and Co. would love nothing more than to finally avenge Paterno's first ever loss as a college football coach when he led a ragtag bunch of scrappy ex-cons and junior college transfers against the Mexican National Team at the original Alamo Bowl. I've got it on good information that Paterno will be, "Buyin' out the bar and makin' it rain on all y'all ignant mofos!" upon a PSU victory.
Paterno State 31, Texas AM 17

Motor City Bowl
Purdue vs Central Michigan
Detroit, Michigan

Detroit: So shitty it doesn't even get a photo, just blank space.

Purdue? Central Michigan? I don't care who wins, cause the real losers are the people who paid good money to go to Detroit for a football game.

Plenty more of this to come as we approach the Bowl Season*.

*Yes, I'm aware that "Bowl Games" start tomorrow, and even though I'll be watching them, these are middling games that I do not care for.

Bar Life

2007-12-18T09:47:00.000-08:00

In this, our, second installment of Bar Life we visited the Bucktown bar, Lemmings, where we joined suddenlystruttin fan/critic Noelle for her birthday party. Heading into the evening we were rather skeptical, what with the lines between Bucktown and Lincoln Park ever more blurring, thanks to the continual sprouting up of boutiques, coffee shops and terrible restaurants. In any case, the staff and I endured Lemmings and actually found ourselves having a fair amount of fun...

BAR: Lemmings

DRINK SPECIALS:
$2.75 16 oz. PBRs
I know it doesn't sound like much of a deal, but considering the prices of PBR at other bars (median range: $3.25) it's a deal.

WHAT ELSE WAS DRANK?
Lots of PBR, in addition the staff threw down some Irish Car Bombs with the bartender who was simply happy that somebody wanted to drink them as much as he did.

GENERAL ATMOSPHERE:
Startlingly jovial, maybe it was the holiday cheer or the fact that it was Friday, but people we're having fun in spades. Easily one of the best atmospheres -- The Burlington and The Cove, are up there as well -- of any new bar I've ventured to in the past four months, which probably is more telling of the bars I keep company with than anything else. No matter, Lemmings is vastly more upbeat than either Ronnys or The Underground. Minor points off for advertising "Free Wifi," though, to be fair, that's just good business practice, even if I interpret it as modestly uncouth.

CLIENTELE:
White like the South Pole, tons of 20-something professionals who had an air of satisfaction at their own ability to have locked down a middle-management job, a desk and an MBA they then hung on the wall. Boring, but not mean-spirited. The clientele lacked that je ne sai quois, that the staff and I find so endearing at bars. What? Not even a resident drunkard? For shame, Lemmings.

IN THE BATHROOM YOU'LL FIND...
Old, yet still functioning, plumbing and, at least, in the men's room one adventuresome fellow bringing his laptop into the bathroom while still yammering on a bluetooth headset. Nice!

I FORCED MYSELF TO...
Leave early. A number of staff members and I had a lot of heavy lifting to tend to at a rather early hour on Saturday. Sadly, my "better judgement" got the better of me and I left Lemmings before I could have, surely, I'll be back...

Jackass of the Week

2007-12-14T23:33:00.001-08:00

In a triumphant return from a self-imposed hiatus that, admittedly, went on for far too long, "Jackass of the Week" is back with a vengeance this week.

This Week's Honor Goes To...

Cash Warren. Yes, Cash Warren is the son of a bitch who got Jessica Alba knocked up. Unfortunately, the staff of suddenlystruttin does not have Cash's home address so we cannot personally deliver the award* one wins for claiming Jackass of the Week, but one can hope that as the roles Alba is handed in Hollywood dry up, Cash will receive his karmic comeuppance.

Once more for posterity's sake, siggghhh.

*A thorough and savage beating.

Bullish and Bearish

2007-12-13T05:48:00.000-08:00

Welcome, once again, to another edition of Bullish and Bearish-suddenlystruttin's quasi-weekly breakdown of the trends that define your world, or something...

Bullish:

Holiday-Themed Horror Movies

I netflixed the 1974 version of "Black Christmas" this week and I gotta tell you, I was impressed. It's a pretty bleak and very well-constructed horror film wherein-Spoiler Alert!- the bad guy wins in the end. I can't tell you how happy it makes me to have the bad guy win in movies, it's one of those incredibly awesome plot devices, right up there with gratuitous nudity.

This week we're also rather bullish on Allen Iverson, who's Allen Iverson? you ask. Iverson, is arguably the shortest (no, seriously, like, waaaaay shorter than Tony Ritz, okay, three inches) awesome NBAer this side of Spud Webb and recently he hung out with Nelly, "Tch," I know, for a show on IFC. Here's what he had to say about OJ Simpson:

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Bearish

Unwanted Pregnancies

Seriously, I'm trying to make this not happen. The staff and I are thinking hard about restructuring suddenlystruttin as a not-for-profit [It's not already? Zing! -Ed.] solely designed to prevent extremely gorgeous Hollywood actresses from getting knocked up by ~~anyone but ourselves~~ by anyone.

In Memorial.

Midweek Updates

2007-12-12T12:05:00.000-08:00

Here's a slew of news, notes and tidbits you can impress your coworkers with at the office holiday party.

NOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo!!!!!
Worst. News. Ever. Jessica Alba is pregnant, I can't emphasize enough how depressing this news is. First off, the staff of suddenlystruttin are staunchly against over-population. Secondly-and well, way more importantly-do you know how gross Jessica Alba is going to look, now that she's preggers? ICK! What with the bulging stomach and all those filthy veins popping through, Christ, why can't she just adopt?

Sigh, in memorial: Jessica Alba's smokin' hottt body.

Nerds Gaining Too Much Sway With Lexicographers
Merriam-Webster announced today that the word "w00t" as the word of the year. Yes, that's right a "w" and a "t" with two 0's in between is the word of the year. What does "w00t" mean? you might be wondering, well, you "newb" the term "w00t" is used to describe joy or glee. For example: A freedom-hating nerd might use the term "w00t" when informed of Jessica Alba's pregnancy.

Tribune Co. to Sell Chicago Cubs and Wrigley Field
Billionaire owner Sam Zell is planning on selling the Cubs and Wrigley Field from the family of Tribune-owned properties. Which is funny, cause, you konw, the Cubs are vastly more profitable than a moribund newspaper franchise with a weak-ass web presence, but I'm just a blogger, so what do I know. In any case, the imminent sale is exciting for me, as I'm really hoping Mark Cuban buys the Cubs.

Problems With My Apartment

2007-12-11T08:17:00.000-08:00

An ongoing feature at suddenlystruttin: Problems With My Apartment, wherein, I bitch and moan about why my apartment sucks. Today is part two and the topic is my neighbor's rescue pit bull.

My downstairs neighbor, we'll call her "Linda," moved into my apartment building at the beginning of September and for the first month everything was Fonzie between us. I'd see her in passing in the stairwell, say, "Hi," she'd say, "Hi," and we'd both continue on our merry ways. Fast forward a month and I see Linda heading off somewhere and I ask, "Where are you going?" "Oh, I'm going to pick up the dog I'm adopting from a rescue shelter." "That's nice," and we both continue on our merry ways. Later that day when I get home, Linda is outside with what appeared to be a roided-up pot-bellied pig that had fur scotch taped to its skin and ferociously over-sized incisors soldered to its mouth. "I see you went with a pit bull," says I, upon witnessing this behemoth. "Yeah, nobody wanted poor Bob, here, so, I took him home," says Linda. "Hey, that's great," says I, even though my brain is wondering where I placed my .45 Magnum, just in case the beast goes on a rampage inside the building.
__________________________________
SOME TIME LATER...
__________________________________

The Bob Experiment is a complete disaster and Linda seems to be completely unwilling or unable to do anything about it. In no uncertain terms here are my problems with Bob:

1) He barks incessantly whenever Linda leaves her apartment. If she's gone for a mere five minutes than it's a relatively brief nuisance. If she's gone for upwards of five or six hours at a time, as she often is, than it's a much more difficult thing to cope with.
1. a) Due to Linda's prolonged absence from her apartment, Bob occasionally shits in her apartment. Thus stinking up the entire stairwell. Now, I'm only in the stairwell for an incredibly brief period of time, a max of two minutes a day, but FUCK! YOUR DOG IS MAKING THE WHOLE FUCKING FLAT WREAK OF SHIT!

After these two troubling facts were brought up, I've really begun to empathize with Michael Vick, not on the dog-fighting, per se, but with the dog-killing? Yes. Absolutely. This measure may seem Draconian by most of your standards; but the frequency with which Bob begins barking at 6:30 every morning has forced me to completely reevaluate my ethics system. Originally I would stop by Linda's apartment and say something along the lines of, "Hey, your dog is barking, can you get a muzzle for him?" Now, upon being awoke by the dog after more than likely already being awoken by the "monster in the back" once that night, I think about how much fun it'd be to smash Bob's dumb dog face in with a cast-iron skillet.

Bar Life

2007-12-10T11:38:00.000-08:00

Hope everybody had a great weekend. The suddenlystruttin' staff and I went out pretty hard on Saturday night and ended up falling down a ton on the walk home. Of course, we'll all blame the extremely icy and treacherously cracked sidewalks of Humboldt Park/Logan Square and not our inebriated states for the pratfall-filled walk home. On our Saturday night journey to Drunk Town, we had the great opportunity to compare what we normally do, uhh, get hammered at a local dive bar; with what the "other half" does on a Saturday night, uhh, get hammered at an incredibly tony club in the Loop. After our extremely in-depth researching we've come to a number of conclusions and here's our report:

BARS IN COMPARISON: An exhaustively comprehensive report on how different groups of people get drunk.

NEIGHBORHOOD DIVE: Ronny's
POSH LOOP BAR: Underground

DRINK SPECIALS:
Ronny's: $2 Cans of PBR, $3 Shots of Jim Beam and-real head-scratcher- $3 Shots of Baily's.
Underground $400 for table service, $6 Bottles of Amstel Light.

GENERAL ATMOSPHERE:
Ronny's: Not unpleasant, but certainly not welcoming. More along the lines of "Hurry up and get drunk and then leave," actually, a lot like a hooker/John relationship.

Undergound: Haughtiness mixed with a "What kind of car do you drive" air of entitlement. Vapidness lords over this environ and he dares you to try and have an enlightening or, hell, chuckle-worthy conversation over the thundering beats his deejay provides.

CLIENTELE:
Ronny's: Logan Square hipsters and Logan Square Latinos. Be ready for foppish and undersized dudes rockin' scarves, denim jackets and a somber air of melancholy. The women for the most part resemble the men in dress and fashion, usually, just trust your instincts and look for facial hair. If there's an attempt at irony in the mustache it's most likely a dude...I guess.

Underground:Anorexic model-wannabes sporting a jealous rage in their eyes over the cleavage and/or ass and legs of the women servers who work the tables. On the male side of things, expect a forecast of Metrosexual with a 65% chance of douche bag. Button-downs and expensive jeans are the norm. Sidenote: JaeggerBombs were conspicuously and thankfully absent from Underground. I was left to assume they were too "middle-class."

IN THE BATHROOM YOU'LL FIND...
Ronny's A piss-stained floor, a dangling and singular light bulb providing all the illumination you could ever hope for and maybe, if you're lucky, a hobo willing to stab you with a broken bottle.

Underground: Serviceable and multiple urinals. A bathroom attendant named Sylvester. Free cigarettes, tons of bathroom toiletries, a tip jar and, if you're lucky, a CBOT trader offering bumps of yay.

I FORCED MYSELF TO...
Ronny's: Say hello to people I didn't really want to talk to.
Underground: Say hello to people I didn't really want to talk to.

CONCLUSIONS:
Yuppies, in spite, of their opulent lifestyle manage to squeeze the fun out of getting hammered. Seriously, the only person I could talk to was Sylvester the bathroom attendant. Ronny's, though far from ideal, offers so much more bang for the proverbial buck. Also, who doesn't love making fun of hipsters?

Sound the Sirens! WHOOOOOOOO! WHOOOOOOO!

2007-12-09T20:09:00.000-08:00

NEW DESTROYER ALBUM
The staff (yes, including the interns) of suddenlystruttin are thrilled to learn that our favorite band Destroyer will be dropping a new album come March 18. Trouble in Dreams will harbor 11 songs in all and surely will rock our humble office's pants off for the foreseeable future. Granted, we've not quite gotten over the 2006 release: Destroyer's Rubies and "what of his earlier works," the interns lament!

In any case, for those Destroyer fans out there, here's the studio version of "Foam Hands"

Travelers and Nerds, Rejoice!

2007-12-07T12:42:00.000-08:00

Wifi on Airplanes is coming soon. This a great idea and the time has definitely come for wifi on airplanes. My only concern is longer lines at security with the increase in people traveling with laptops, that, and, of course, the guy who has too many Mai-Thai Cocktails in first class and starts downloading porn in front of a family...

Infinite Solutions

2007-12-07T12:00:00.000-08:00

Mad props are in order for my friend NDG who discovered this hilarious set of "techucational" videos. Their informative, funny and concise; hopefully, you guys will learn as much as I did.

* Suddenlystruttin cannot guarantee you will learn anything, keep trying!

The Most Hallowed Day of The Calendar

2007-12-05T14:31:00.000-08:00

Today in 1933, that utterly wretched piece of legislation the 18th Amendment was repealed by the 21st Amendment. What's the 18th Amendment, you ask? Well, for you non-History majors out there (oh yeah, and I'm single, ladies!) The 18th Amendment was a little piece of swindlesome bullshit proposed by a bunch of teetotalling, yellow-bellied, scalawags who decided that America was "drinking too much." For thirteen! years you couldn't legally pinch the hooch from a speakeasy, awww raspberries! Fortunately, in 1933 cooler, more awesome heads prevailed and our nation's once proud heritage of drinking was revitalized. Of course, the Prohibition Era did have it's benefits, what with all the undergrounds and speakeasies and ingenius barkeeps who ran said speakeasies, like the 21 Club in NYC:

Although raided by police numerous times during Prohibition, the two were never caught. As soon as a raid began, a system of levers was used to tip the shelves of the bar, sweeping the liquor bottles through a chute and into the city's sewers.[2] The bar also included a secret wine cellar, which was accessed through a hidden door in a brick wall which opened into the basement of the building next door (number 19).

So by all means, go out tonight and order a Whiskey Fitz, a South Side, a Tom and Jerry or whatever wets your whistle!

Bullish and Bearish

2007-12-05T13:05:00.001-08:00

Bullish and Bearish is suddenlystruttin's skewed and self-serving [Huh? -Ed.] take on the trends dictating the day. The hotts and not-so-hotts. You get the idea...

Bullish

Old Man Winter
With aplomb Jack Frost has made his presence felt and I, for one, am loving it. Granted, I'll be sick of this bullshit, "What? another five inches of snow!" by the middle of next month. But for now, I'm enjoying the snowscapes in Logan Square and the opportunity to witness some idiot slip and fall on ice everytime I leave my apartment. Additionally, after the snow dumping Chicago got last night, I was thinking about how hilarious the "Mr. Plow" Simpsons episode is.

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Mr Plowed
An Irishman (is anybody surprised by this fact?) absconded with 450 kegs of Guinness, making him Mr Plowed, the ballsiest liquor baron ever! A hero to most and an idiot in the eyes of Tony Ritz. Why an idiot? Well, you see he stole all of that Guinness from the Dublin brewery and if there's one thing the Irish take seriously it's their lust for getting drunk. No it's true, they take getting drunk only slightly less-seriously than the Pope and not using birth control.

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Bearish

People Hocking Cologne on the Streets
Christ am I sick of these jackasses. It was bad enough when two or three of them marched into a crowded bar last Friday night spraying their disgusting colognes and perfumes into a crowd... Mmmm, is that a cheap knock-off of Passion by CK, oh, and it's mingling with the spilled beer and cigarette smoke so well!... But now, they've taken to pimping their cheap wares on the streets of Chicago. Give me the good ol' days when legitimate hoboes were selling you socks at a small mark up. I could use the socks and feel bad enough for the hoboes to buy them.

YouTubeage

2007-12-04T11:36:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling pretty eh, today, so in lieu of any real content, please, amuse yourselves with these YouTube clips. For some reason: combatting SAD? I've been really into Neil Diamond lately... I'm working on some Bullish and Bearish for later today or tomorrow. Stay cool.

Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show

For No Good Reason, My Friend Jessica's (Stupid) Electric Fence Video

******Update******

Some minor, but obvious layout changes to the blog, switched up the font and the colors. Let me know what you think in the comments section.

Link Dump-O-rama

2007-12-03T12:28:00.000-08:00

Hey everybody, hope y'all had a nice weekend. I got to spend my Saturday night as a guest-doorman at one of the cooler bars in Logan Square. The power went out as a result of an ice storm and, surprisingly, all Hell did not break out. I did get to kick out one trashed and wasted dude who snuck in once the power went out. He was so amenable to my suggestion of, "I think you've had too much," that I felt sorta bad for kicking out such a lonely wasteoid. All in all, it was a lot of fun getting paid to sit around and drink free beer. Here are some interesting news items.

"Honey, I'm Home. I know it's been 5 Years, but I'm back."
Wow. Five years. Without communicating with any of your immediate family? I think they call that abandonment, at least, that's what I got charged with after ditching my "wife" and our "two sons."

What do you mean, "We can't clone this one?"
One of only a handful of intact and mummified dinosaurs has recently been unearthed and brought to the attention of the public. Jon Hammond and his InGen cronies were unavailable for comment.

Word from Team Venture
After a long stretch of inactivity, secret-genius Jackson Publick has updated the Venture Bros. website and revealed that Season 3 of Hank and Dean's ridiconkulous life will be forthcoming some time after June 1 of 2008. I guess, that's cool?

College Footbal Bowl Schedule Announced
Seriously weak schedule of bowl games, however, in honor of the University of Souther California making it to a third-straight Rose Bowl, here are the USC Song Girls!

Evel Knievel, 1938-2007

2007-11-30T14:17:00.000-08:00

America's greatest and highest flying stunt artist, Evel Knievel, has passed away. Part showman, part shill and all thrill; Knievel was the unholy marriage of man and machine who reminded an entire generation of what you could do, once, of course, you set aside all precedents and fear.

Goodbye you skyscrapping, asskicking, legend.

Jesus Christ.

2007-11-29T22:27:00.000-08:00

I saw this at straightbangin' originally, and, if you were wondering: Do not ever listen to the Christian Right.

Brian Urlacher is a Pillar of Class and Integrity

2007-11-29T11:19:00.000-08:00

Chicago Bears linebacker and all around awesome dude, Brian Urlacher has added another chapter to his book, "How to Win Friends and Influence People." Sure, it's only a "missed connection" on craigslist and yes, the person who posted it could be an attention mongering liar, but, hey! I'm all about hearsay and lack of facts. Urlacher is the paramount of class who skipped out on 22 scheduled visitations with his young son and, then of course, there was the time he threatened his baby momma with menacing text messages. And who could forget the time he left a flaming bag of dog poo on his Lovie Smith's front porch as a Halloween prank. Also, he dated Paris Hilton, which we all know means only one thing: Valtrex!

Tip o' the Hat and Mad Love to Dai!

Bullish and Bearish

2007-11-27T12:42:00.000-08:00

It's time for another installment of Bullish and Bearish wherein Suddenlystruttin rambles and rants on what we feel is the hott and the decidedly not.

Bullish

Cloverfield

I've been bullish on this movie since the teaser hit youtube back in July and everyone was referring to it as "01-18-08" or simply, "JJ Abrams new project." Now they've released the full trailer and the movie is going to be called "Cloverfield." This trailer does not disappoint and I am extremely intrigued by what this flick can bring to the table. That being said, good monster movies are reaaallly hard to pull off, so, I need to temper my enthusiasm with a dose of: "Eh, it's not gonna be that great."
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New Silver Jews Album*

That cantankerous and oh, so poetic troubadour of "The People," David Berman, is at it again with a new album coming out sometime next spring, right around my birthday if anyone's wondering about what to get me... This time around the collection of songs will be called, "Lookout Mountain, Lookout Sea." Sounds pretty stupid to me, but hey, so does "Cloverfield" and lame titles aren't going to stop me from checking either of them out.

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Bearish

Sabotage

I'm all for sabotage along as it never, ever under any circumstances puts a beautiful, young woman at risk of losing her beauty and youth. This automatically puts me ahead of whatever courtesan/harlot/hussy that dared to endanger the looks of the tender and recently crowned Miss Puerto Rico. Allegedly the jealous competitor sprayed the clothing of Miss PR with pepper spray. Which reminds me of a funny story in which I used pepper spray as an aphrodisiac...it didn't work and I digress! In any case, Fuck! are women ever ruthless when it comes to competition and beauty pageants and whatnot.

"I'm not noticing any irritation, would you mind removing your bikini, so that I may, ahh, analyze the affected areas more closely?"

* Thanks to alert reader and Columbus, Ohio resident, David for bringing this to my attention.

a word about lebron

2007-11-27T01:34:00.000-08:00

It had been ages since I'd really wondered at all about where I stood on the "LeBron Problem," the same scientific quandary that had boggled greater minds than mine for eons. The debate cum debacle that is: What is "LeBron doing" versus "How is LeBron doing this." The nothing against The ALL. Yet not even a full month into this season of seasons, I'm scratching my head in bafflement, guffawing in wide-eyed amazement at how exactly LeBron is doing so much with no more than some spare body parts, jerseys and sweatbands that Danny Ferry found in a gymnasium trash can, surrounding him. Last spring LBJ carrying the Cavs past the East into "Broomsburg, TX, Populatioin: You." was something that exceeded all expectations and can be described as liquid transcendence. What LeBron is doing this season is beyond what I've seen in years, of course, it's been buried and ignored by media, but if LeBron continues this fantasical waltz of dominance...

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Gil Ads vs "The LeBrons"

Personally, I feel that The LeBrons win hands down, but don't take my word for it...

The LeBrons

Gil's New Campaign

LOLSJAX

2007-11-27T00:31:00.000-08:00

Fish in a barrel, people. Fish. In. A. Barrel. PS: It's great that you're back Captain Jackson!

Thanksgiving Week In Review

2007-11-26T12:00:00.000-08:00

Long week of lite posting, but to be fair there was a lot going on in the real (non-cyber) world that I may now relay to you, the fantastic readers of suddenlystruttin. From turkey dinners and Wild Turkey toasts to late-night trysts to an evening of Korean BBQ and attempted Karaoke, much to discuss, and so we shall.

Tuesday Night
--------------------
Foolishly I called an old flame of mine, we'll call her Sharon, on Tuesday night. We live in the same neighborhood and I hadn't talked to her in about four months, so, I thought: Why Not? Well, after a night of too many beers and shots at a Logan Square speakeasy I remembered why not.

Sharon and I meet up at approx. 9 and the drinking and conversation commences. Plenty of catching up type talk, "What's new?" "How's the job?" "Your roommate sucks? I have a monster who lives in the apartment behind me." Et cetera, et cetera. Glance at the clock and it's suddenly midnight and then suddenly it's bartime. Sharon had driven to the bar and she (she's a wily one) coerced me into drunkenly driving (stupid) her car home for her. Now, Sharon is quite a tiny lass, my best estimate is that's she's 5'4" and around 115 lbs. and once we got in her car she threw all 115 pounds onto me and, literally, attacked me with her mouth and all of her feminine cunning. My first tactical blunder was, of course, agreeing to even drive her car and now I've got this much larger tactical folly crawling all over me. The good part was listening to "Daniel" by Elton John while, ahem, "waiting for the car to heat up." Nevertheless I was honor-bound to drop Sharon off and park her car, both of which eventually happened. Of course, upon parking the car, Sharon demanded that I crash at her place as opposed to stumbling the five or six blocks to my own apartment. And who was I to argue with such a rational argument? "Your apartment is closer than mine? I'd be stupid NOT to sleep over, right? right?"

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SCENE MISSING
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The Following Morning
I awake in a strange bed with very little memory of how I got there; even worse, my trusty large intestine has admirably created a tremendous amount of gas-[Nice work, digestive microbes!-Ed.] "Crap!"[Literally! Zing!-Ed.]"Where am I? Oh, that's right, I slept over at Sharon's And hey! There's her naked body right next to me. Grrreat" Shroud my nude self in a bedsheet and stagger to the bathroom which is conveniently right next to Sharon's bedroom. "Double Damnit! How am I going to be as surreptitious about this next maneuver as possible?" [Colons don't come with silencers?-Ed.] Bathroom door closes and locks. Agonizing minutes pass as I deflate with as little noise as possible the bloated balloon of pressure from my nether regions. A deep-sea fish being wrenched into the shallows does not have it as bad as I do in these moments. The bathroom has adopted the odor of an abattoir, secretly, I'm oh, so proud of myself for that feat! As I'm washing my hands I notice that there are no matches and no window and fear for whomever walks into the room next. I go to open the door and the door won't open. Try to push the lock open, nope! -Hmmm, this is getting awkward.- Try again, this time with some real force and effort, the door won't budge. Uh, oh. Begin pounding and simultaneously twisting on the door knob to get the lock unjammed. Nothing. Calmly knock on bathroom door hoping that Sharon or her roommate will hear me. Both of them come to the door. "Is everything okay in there?" "Yes, everything's fine except for the door not opening." "Ha, oh yeah, it's broken." "Are you kidding?" At this point I'm envisioning the Chicago fucking Fire Department getting called in and rescuing my sheeted idiot self from the rank odor and two fire fighters winning medals from surviving the stench. Sharon tries to do the "trick" with the credit card and it doesn't work, I commence to doubling my effort at hammering and twisting the door knob as she puts all of her marginal size and strength into it and finally the door opens.

Wednesday Night
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Thanksgiving Eve in the Burbs

After the uhh, events, of the previous evening I am in complete agreement with my friend Paul's idea of leaving Chicago early on Wednesday night and going to his hometown for the night to party with his family. We get into town and meet up with his siblings at their mom's home where a scant 18 hours later we'd surely be dining on the finest of feasts. We head into town and hit up a number of very crowded bars where flocks of people come up to my surrogate family regaling them with tales of high school homecomings and Friday night football games. I'm in my natural element when I'm surrounded with people I don't know whom I'll never see again, so, I just start picking people for information and then making up lies about how I went to high school with these people. The best part of the night was when at one point some douchey character approached Paul's cousin and myself and begins profusely apologizing for all of his friend's coats laying on our table at the bar. The douche wants to know how he can make it up to us and Paul's cousin gamely suggests drinks. Douche replies, "I don't buy drinks, but I do buy shots." So we ended up doing Jaegger-Bombs with the winner and no one was the wiser.

More to Come, or maybe not...

LOLCATatastrophes!

2007-11-24T20:07:00.000-08:00

Read This.

And, Voila!

What qualifies as polite, dinner conversation at the Tony Ritz Thanksgiving Table, Sorry.

Caution: Weird and potentially NSFW Video

2007-11-21T12:05:00.000-08:00

A friend just pointed this out to me, and it is very weird and roll on floor hilarious. Indeed, some jokers are having fun at youtube's expense. Watch at your own risk and Mrs. Diehl try not to be too disappointed with me.

Thanksgiving

2007-11-21T09:43:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Won't be posting the rest of the week as I'll be making a drunken glutton out of myself in the Chicago suburbs. Enjoy the food, football and your weird uncle making awkward remarks to your parents!

To get everyone in the spirit here's a safety video on deep frying turkeys.

Deep Fryers? Not just for the Foxworthy crowd anymore!

Bullish and Bearish

2007-11-20T10:36:00.000-08:00

Bullish

Labor Strikes in France

Count me in whenever my ancestor's homeland is brought up in labor-related strife. "What's that Pierre? You're pension isn't at the level you want it to be and your bosses are pressuring you to retire early?" Strike! Seriously the French are the most awesome citizenship on the face of the planet. They get about 8 weeks of vacation every summer and whenever they get upset about their wages/pensions/wine and cheese allotments they get to go on strike. That settles it, I'm moving to France! [You don't parlez vous Francais-Ed.] Not knowing a language has never stopped me before, just ask the Nazis how much ass I kicked when I invaded Berlin back in 1942. Or maybe that was in a game of Wolfenstein 3-D...

Bonus Bullish
So, I know this happened this past weekend and it's been all over the celeb-blogs for a few days now, but I really don't feel that I'd be doing my duty if I weren't to report on the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, and when I say "report," I mean, show a picture of a supermodel in lingerie.

Gratuitous? You bet! Oh, and please click image for a much larger image.

Bearish
The Presidential Pardon of the National Turkey
This sends the completely wrong message to terrorists. Where's the menace? Where's the fear-mongering? I say, if you let one turkey go, you're basically enabling, hell, funding at least 20 Al-Qaeda members. It's practically giving them the blue prints to the USA's largest turkey factory. [What?-Ed.] In any case the President is a big chicken for being soft on turkeys. I'm sure Bin Laden is gobbling this all down with glee somewhere in his mountain compound that he shares with Elvis, Nixon's ghost and the guy who played Mr. Belvedere.

Late Night Nerd Note

2007-11-19T20:54:00.000-08:00

So that's what comes up when you do a Google Image for "safari"

Just upgraded the OS* on my iBook and I've gotta say, the new version of Safari, Safari 3.0, is bitching. Nothing too flashy but a ton of very cool minor upgrades, ie: with tabbed browsing you can click and drag various tabs in your window for smoother navigation. The coolest and very late-to-the-game upgrade was getting Safari on the same page as Gmail and Blogger. Gchat and all of Bloggers handy shortcuts are all available on a Mac born and bred browser and it's about fucking time. Ha, so, I just realized this whole thing sounds like an Apple commercial. Ummm, "Hey, PC?" I guess? Sorry, I'll try to come up with something mildly entertaining or humorous for next time.

* No, not that OS upgrade, simply, the latest version of Tiger-not Leopard. I probably won't be using Leopard until I get a new computer, which my accounting department projects will be sometime in late 2013.

Andris Biedrins has a Blog!

2007-11-19T10:31:00.000-08:00

Everyone's favorite Latvian NBA star, that's right, Andris Biedrins has a blog. It's pretty funny and it gets even funnier if you read it with a fake Eastern European accent and insert Yakov Smirnov jokes at your own discretion. Dude's seriously one of the most enjoyable NBAers to watch and I assume his blog is going to be at least as entertaining to read.

Andris Biedrins' Blog

Big Ten Finale

2007-11-18T20:10:00.000-08:00

Mercifully the grizzled ol' dog that is the Big Ten Conference was put out of it's misery yesterday. Fortunately none of the "teams" shall be heard from until the glut of bowl games assaults us with contests bearing names such as Champs Sports Bowl and the CarQuest Bowl, unfortunately, my proposal for a Hooters Bowl was denied. One day... Moving on to the actual games, I correctly predicted the outcome of every Big Ten game this week, if not the scores.

Illinois 41, Team Slumpbuster 22
The Fightin' Native Americans dominated this game. Team Slumpbuster never had a chance.

Indiana 27, Purdue 24
Hoosier kicker Austin Starr iced the game with a 49 yd FG with 30 ticks left as Indiana beat their in-state rival and James Hardy finished the season with at least one touchdown in every game-except for the Wisco game.

Michigan State 35, Paterno State 31
MSU showed up in all of it's manic glory, allowing Penn State to race out to 17 point lead before clawing back into the game and finally taking the lead for good with four minutes left. After that it was merely waiting for ~~Penn State's~~ Morelli's ineptitude to take over. In any case, it was a rare reversal of fortunes for Michigan Stae to be on the other side of a second half comeback attempt. Regardless of what bowl Penn State ends up in, this season has to be categorized as a minor disappointment at best.

Wisconsin 41, Minnesota 34
Holy Christ was I nervous about UW's chances thru the first three quarters of this game. To have to have suffered the ignominy of knowing that the Badgers provided the Golden Gophers with their only conference win would've been too much. Lucky for me I was able to sheath the ceremonial hari-kari sword for another year...

Ohio State 14, Michigan 3
Lllllater Lllllloyd. Ugly game to watch and, surely, a painful game for the Great Lakes State to have watched. I feel minor twinges of saddness for Mike Hart at the thought of him never beating Ohio State, but those notions are quickly dashed when I envision the first phat NFL check he signs as a rookie next spring.

*Look for some Bowl Destination Predictions in the coming days.

Go See 'No Country For Old Men'

2007-11-18T17:14:00.000-08:00

Admittedly, I'm a huge Coen Brothers fan, that being said go see No Country For Old Men. The Coen's adapted the screenplay from Cormac McCarthy's novel of the same title and have made a brutally violent and hilarious take on life on the US/Mexico border in 1980-picture a noirish, contemporary western and you'll start to get an idea. Furthermore the flick features one of the most deliberately murdersome antagonists since Hannibal Lecter.

Thursday Sports: Rivalry Week

2007-11-15T07:10:00.000-08:00

For anyone looking for the exciting conclusion to the Starbury legacy, I've got some sad and mundane news. Yep, 180,000 dollar fine and he shows up ready to play. In any case the "exciting conclusion" involved Starbury trying to find the ghost of Meadowlark Lemon and him ripping on Zeke for listening to "The Big Chill" Soundtrack. Onward with the predictions, it's the final week of the Big Ten and there are lots of stupid trophies to play for.

Retarded Trophies

Purdue vs Indiana, 3:30 pm EST, Big Ten Network
Boilermakers and Hoosiers play for a bucket. We're talking Corky level retarded, but that's what you have to get excited about when either one of these teams is only bowl eligible every 4 or 5 years.
Purdue 28 Indiana 35

Paterno State vs Michigan State, 3:30 pm EST, ABC
Theoretically this game could rank higher, but c'mon! neither of these teams are rivals and they play for a fuckin' bell dubbed the "Land Grant Trophy" for Christ's sake. This game routinely has the drama and pageantry of a high school homecoming game. I can't even really blame Penn State, they came into the Big Ten in the early 90s and were looking for some games that could be scheduled every season, so, the Big Ten schedule makers say, "Hey, your university is a land grant established school, how about we team you up with Ohio State and Michigan State every year?" Paterno says sure, end of story. The real reason this game doesn't rank as high is because of the continual crappiness of MSU and how by mid October every season they've folded like a card table. That being said, I'm picking MSU to upset Penn State.
MSU 28 PSU 17

Team Slumpbuster vs Illinois, 12:00 EST, ESPN
Playing for a peace pipe, really? Wait, let me guess, the ~~redskinned savage~~ "culturally insensitive" mascot for Illinois brought it, right? For shame Northwestern, I would've hoped your haugty ways, high academic standards and complete lack of competitive athletic drive would've prevented you from dallying with such demeaning bric-a-brac and with a public institution no less!
Illinois 38 Northwestern 24

"Me? 'Smoke'em peace pipe, I think rather not, Chief Runs-With-Coeds. Nay, this fine Cuban and a glass of port shall suffice."

Modestly non-Retarded Trophies

Wisconsin vs Michigan, 3:30 pm, EST, Big Ten Network
Easily the most awesome trophy in the Big Ten, a five foot tall axe once owned by Paul Bunyan himself. The mythos and cultural connotations alone are all that this trophy needs to make it the most relevant. The Badgers and Gophers have faced off 117 times and very rarely has the game meant anything more than state bragging rights, still, the trophy is badass.
Wisconsin 24 Minnesota 10

"I will slaughter you with my huge axe.

Big Ten Title bout

Ohio State vs Michigan, 12:00 EST, ABC
Lloyd Carr's final season, Michael Hart, Chad Henne and Jake Long's final home game, I really don't see how UM loses this. Wait, yes I do! Henne's arm is attached with some vermicelli pasta and duct tape and Hart's -- as usual, dinged up. As much as I've discussed Michigan winning the Big Ten and how disgracefully fitting that would be for this vastly underwhelming conference with the injuries I can't see Michigan winning. If Hart and Henne are on the field it will be a different story.
OSU 20 Michigan 17

Starbury

2007-11-14T11:10:00.000-08:00

New York City, First Precinct Police Department: A haggard and grim chief of police stares at his office phone, mulling over what he knows he must do. Reflexively, out of the corner of his eye he glances at the paper work still left unfilled from his own sexual harassment suit that took place earlier in the summer. He sighs and pages for his assistant, "James, please send in Detective Starbury."

Starbury: "You wanted to see me?"
Commissioner Zeke: "That's right, Starbury, please, take a seat."
Starbury: I can tell by your demeanor this is no social call, what's up Chief?"
Zeke: "This isn't easy for me to tell you, but, I had to tell you man-to-man; I'm taking you off the case and puttting Collins in charge of the investigation. I'm sorry."
Starbury: "Chief, that's bullshit! You know it's bullshit, why are you doin' this? What's this bullshit really about?"
Zeke: "Please calm down, it comes down to what I need our force to do. You're a loose cannon. You completely botched the deal in the Don Gonzalez case, you forced the issue and now the DA's office is breathing down my neck asking why we don't have more results."
Starbury: But Chief, our men, excuse me, your men won't even listen to a new jack like Mardy Collins, they'll fucking eat him alive!"
Zeke: -Voice Rising- "Now you listen to me you son of a bitch, I don't give a fuck where you work and if you don't watch it, I'll have you filing parking tickets in fuckin' Astoria in a heartbeat. You work for me and for our force and never fucking forget that. Now get the fuck out of my office."

Starbury rises from chair and exits the office.

Starbury -to himelf- "This isn't over. No way. I've got so much shit on Zeke. He thinks he can get me, but I'll get him first. You have no idea what I know."

Surely, TO BE CONTINUED

Midweek Updates

2007-11-14T08:50:00.000-08:00

Boy George Will Kidnap You
Are you a foreign escort visiting Jolly Old England? Well, look out! Cuz, Boy George is going to kidnap you, chain you to a wall, drag out the sex toys and "give you what you deserve." WOW! I couldn't make that sound more creepy if I wanted to. Wait! I've got it! What if I publish a photo of a washed up pop-singer in his late 40s...

Eureka! Instant Nightmare Fuel.

The Baptists are a caring and understanding bunch
See this is why I'm a Catholic, because Catholics have so much "tolerance" for homosexuals and, of course, by "tolerance" I mean unwillingness to allow them in the church. Unlike, those slimy Baptists who say "Come on over" and then kick the homosexuals out, along with the offending church who allowed those filthy heathens in, in the first place...

Blogger Rights vs. "Journalists Rights"
Yep, bloggers are the problem. Because newspapers and "real" media outlets never, ever, ever publish hearsay.

Bullish and Bearish

2007-11-13T09:18:00.000-08:00

Bullish

Tights and Shorts

This fashion trend has been emerging for the past few falls in Chicago and it's rather rampant this go around; to whichever heroin-chic, slutted up, New York hipsterette who came up with this idea: "Thank You!" Jesus Christ, on the behalf of men everywhere, THANK YOU! I cannot emphasize how awesome this look is, it combines the practicality of ladies keeping their hot, delicious legs warm with the tights and melds that with the fun of an afternoon spent ogling waitresses in short shorts at the Hooters out by the airport.

Excuse me, my ~~left hand~~ girlfriend is beckoning me towards the bedroom.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bearish

Swedish Officials

If this activist group gets the legislation to pass, I am soooo moving to Sweden.

Weekend Wrap Up: What Happened Edition

2007-11-12T08:50:00.000-08:00

Ohio State lost, Michigan lost and Team Slumpbuster beat Indiana. Signs of the Appocalypse? Hardly, no, these results are merely more indicators of the absolute shittiness of the Big Ten this year. Onwards. To the Reviews!

Illinois 28 Ohio State 21
Much like the bullet-proof flak jackets, SWAT members wear to keep those bullets on the outside, can be penetrated with the blade of a knife Ohio State's "bullet-proof" defense weaved out of spare limbs, steroids and Kevlar finally met their match. The knife in this case was Illinois' mobile, "athletic" Juice Williams who tortured the Buckeyes' linebackers and secondary all day. A combo of keepers and juuuust enough passes with juuust enough accuracy to slice thru the layers of scarlet and gray Kevlar of OSU and suddenly the Buckeyes were on the ground bleeding and radioing back to HQ, "Demanding back-up, Officer down! Officer down!" Meanwhile, Todd Boeckman showed his worst side at the worst possible moment throwing 3 picks to no TDs and, indeed, eating a huge dick/laying a gigantic egg/choking when he should've been ice cold. Beanie Wells did what he could against a stout and resilient Illini defense, however, Beanie was only one man in a frontier land fraught with upset and situations tOSU had been unfamiliar with all year.

Wisconsin 37 Michigan 21
Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle! I did not foresee this at all, and when I checked in on the score midway thru the second quarter at an Irish pub in New York City, I was shocked. I didn't get to see most of this game but judging from the box score UW's patented-if not erratic- "Strangulator" defense showed up as opposed to the cartoon pirate-badger defense that they've favored for most of the season. Wisconsin was also the beneficiary of having Michigan's backup QB and backup running back in for the majority of the game, once again proving the axiom, "Tis better to be fortunate than wise." In any case, UW has now won two out of the past three games against the Wolverines, which may be a sign that the worm is slowly, oh, so slowly turning in UW's favor in this most lopsided of series'.

Paterno State 31 Temple 0
What do you know, I totally called the points total for PSU, sadly, PSU's defense performed far too admirably and pitched the shut-out. Unbelievably, PSU held Temple to only 4!!! yards of rushing offense which is downright amazing. Yes, I am considering how shitty Temple is: 4 yards is still 4!! yards.

Team Slumpbuster 31 Indiana 28
Indiana displayed in all of it's glory their typical and controversial French military-themed defensive scheme of "letting the other team's players run into the end zone." Based off the Maginot Line and the hope that Kellen Lewis and James Hardy will score enough points, the Hoosiers defense could not slow down Team Slumpbuster and ended up losing. C'est la vie!

The Maginot Line: Not just for the French!

Minnesota, Iowa, Michigan State and Purdue all competed as well, but, frankly, I could give two shits about any of those games...

Abridged Sports Thursday on Friday

2007-11-08T11:39:00.000-08:00

Extremely brief rundown on Big Ten games this weekend, posting will be pretty light until Monday thanks to "real life stuff." Big Ten sked. is worse than usual with the marquee game being played up in Madison where the Wolverines will pit themselves against the Badgers.

Indiana vs Team Slumpbuster
IU locked up their six wins last week against Ball State and are now bowl eligible for the first time in over a decade. Hardy, Lewis and Starr will improve IU's bowl standing by outscoring Team Slumpbuster's not entirely inept offense. Startlingly, Indiana could have an eight win season if they win out. And somewhere Terry Hoeppener is smiling down on the Hoosier State.
Indiana 35 Team Slumpbuster 24

Paterno State vs Temple Temple meet Woodshed.
Paterno State 31 Temple 10

Michigan vs Wisconsin
PJ Hill is still a gametime decision, but fortunately, the game is within the boundaries of Wisconsin so everyone's favorite player under house arrest, "Home Jersey" will be able to go for UW. It won't matter in any case, as Michigan has a permanent lease in Camp Ranadall with an option to buy, that is to say Michigan owns Wisconsin.
Michigan 28 Wisconsin 14

And that's all I've got time for. Have a great weekend!

Is The WGA Strike That Big of a Deal?

2007-11-08T10:19:00.002-08:00

We'll be back in a bit to get a Sports Thursday post up, but for now, has everyone had enough of the Writer's Guild Strike? For me, I can't get too excited/concerned about the strike, basically, I watch television for sports and that's about it. Recently-past four months-I've really gotten into "Lost" but other than that, TV? Not so much. I mean, fuck the heck, these are the same people who are coming up with ~~great~~ marginally adequate ideas like, Cavemen, Heroes-a Lost/Invasion rip-off, The Hills, et cetera, et cetera. Why don't the TV companies just re-air great cancelled shows in the meantime, shows like Cheers, Arrested Development, Futurama, Mister Ed, Flipper et cetera. This plan solves two problems: namely, my entertainment and providing the striking writers with some much needed inspiration for when they get back to work.

NBA Season Has Evidently Started?

2007-11-07T10:17:00.001-08:00

The Utah Yazz are playing the Cleveland Cavs tonight and I'm particularly excited to watch this game and it's probably not for the reasons you're thinking, ie: Boozer versus the municipality of Cleveland. What I'm really looking forward to is LeBron versus the Utah Yazz and their "teamwork," "the right way" obsessed head coach Yerry Sloan. This year's version of the Cavs thus far has really surprised me, aside from the opening game, at home against Dallas; Cleveland has shown up and made a game every night against every opponent. During the offseason I was fully expecting the Cavs to be in full "Just don't give a fuck" mode until at least March. LeBron would be the catalyst for this Zombie-a-thon through the reg.seas. and the rest of the Cavs would follow suit. Instead, LBJ has been puking fire, screaming at his teammates and putting Coach Mike's offensive ineptitude on his shoulders. And his teammates have been modestly capable and, at times, have resembled real, live NBA players-which is more than can be said for them in the Finals this past June. Even as good as the supporting "players" have been, this season is gonna be all about what LeBron can do versus teams of real players. Of course, Boobie Gibson, Big Z and Gooden will have cameos but it's all about LEBRON this year. Tonight is the first real test as Team LeBron will be pitted against the team oriented and really good, Utah Yazz. I expect the Cavs to be run out of the gym but this LeBron fellow can do things...And as much as I want to dislike the Yazz in general and Boozer in particular, I can't. Boozer is a crane with wrecking ball in the interior and seems -- to every season -- become more and more a sick amalgamate of Artest and Duncan sans the former's psychotic and the latter's silent swag. Instead Boozer boasts the best of both and then brings more.

Midweek Updates

2007-11-07T08:43:00.000-08:00

Happy Wednesday, today is famed Algerian/French philosopher, social critic and author Albert Camus' date of birth. Happy Birthday, Albert. We Love You!

Dark Wizardry has it's benefits

Some powerful "scientists"/Warlocks met up at a "convention"/Black Mass in Wisconsin this week to discuss "Science"/Dark Arts and concocted this "video" as part of their brainwashing attempts.

Don't let the charming beeps and rhythm fool you. If those Wizards could they would kill you and everyone you care about.

Spider Girl now just a Normal

Foolish human doctors in India have mutilated the beautiful Spider Girl, Peter Parker's Indian love child from an adventuresome romp through the bedrooms of Calcutta. In any case after the Mutant Wars of 2015 those ~~genetic freaks~~, uhh, genetic-lottery winners are going to be ever so pissed about the mutilation of Spider Girl. Retribution = lots of Norms Kidnapping.

Excess Pounds Raise Women's Cancer Risk; Lowers STD Risk

In a startling discovery scientists have come to the conclusion that overweight women are at a greater risk of cancer but a lower rate of STDs.

From the South being less Smart Dept.:

I know that a few readers of suddenlystruttin are from the fair state of South Carolina, any justification for your Democrats taking Stephen Colbert seriously? No comment? Oh, because, you "cain't find that Internet Machine." No, of course, I understand. Sometimes I lose my house keys.

YouTube Magic!

2007-11-06T12:11:00.000-08:00

Remember waaaay back when Saturday Night Live was funny? Check out this skit from the early 90s it's got pretty much every funny comedian from the cast and predicts the future of comedy for the 1990s. Also, the host was Tom Hanks back when he was a hilarious actor and not a chump signing up for Oscar-bait wankfests.

Bullish and Bearish

2007-11-05T13:48:00.000-08:00

Bullish

Google, Inc.

Right now in my browser window I've got 3 tabs open and they're all a Google owned property: Gmail, Blogger and Google Images. But that type of browser dominance isn't enough, Google in the past week has gone into overdrive in terms of "all yr puters r belong to us!"

First, early last week the company announced that is was going to be pooling the users of some of the biggest social networking sites on "teh Internets," myspace, linkedin, friendster, et cetera; this theoretically will enable users of the sites to then begin incorporating their trusted friends and family members into other online forums. The hypothetical that was bandied about was having users and their network of friend available for selling and advising on craigslist. Although, this strikes me as a very useful concept the thing about social networking sites is that they are extremely vulnerable to the fickle nature of "cool." Myspace three years ago was the hottest shit in the Internet toilet and now it's just a website of shit, spammers and hookers abound and filtering through your myspace mail can be a major pain in the ass. Of course facebook is the freshest networking site for now and it's not even on board with this google social club, so time will tell.

"Move Units and Move South, Bitches! One Million, Two Million, Three Million, Four! Four Million, ah, ah, ah!

The thing that really got Google's investor's panties wet was the announcement of the open source technology being brought to the cellular market. Google's employing a cunning and enviably sustainable strategy of dropping the hottest technological ideas for mobile phones in the hope of making the phones more of a portable computer/media machine as opposed to "just a phone." Getting the cellies past the point of "just a phone" is what Googs is striving for. If Google can get this technology to market and enough cell providers on board, Google will be looking at a home-raised market of Internet ready mini-puters all with the capability for ad-clicks, sponsored links and user-intensive advertising all courtesy of Google. Yeah, and the China market is onboard for this project, damn!

Bearish

BRUNCH

I hate brunch. It's easily the most contrived of all meals, plus, there's almost a 100% chance that where ever I'm going for brunch it's going to be too crowded and too douchey. Brunch combines some of the most annoying things I can think of: Hangovers, noisy and crowded areas, douchebags, having to move fast and "get ready," waiting for a fucking meal, inane banter. I guess brunch does offer Bloody Mary's but that's it.

Women seem to really love brunch which is great for them, why they love it I can't understand. I'm pretty sure it involves a combination of the double x chromosomes, socializing, and female on female competition, which I'm all for in the proper arena: foxy boxing, mud wrestling...but not at meals.

In any case, brunch seems like one of those awful things males are burdened with if they want to have relations with the fairer sex. Yes, like listening to women drone on about their petty problems at work, brunch is one of those unpleasant duties you need to suffer through if you enjoy the company of a lady. But, ladies, PLEASE don't be one of those girls that need to do brunch every weekend. Don't do it! Ask your man to make you some pancakes or, heck, go out and grab your man and yourself some coffee. Please, no brunch every weekend.

Tidy Package of Big Ten Games

2007-11-05T11:33:00.001-08:00

In between forties being drank in Columbus I did have the opportunity to witness some real, live, college football on one of them magic "picture" boxes. With my own eyes I witnessed Michigan State blow another fourth quarter lead...Team ChokeArtist? Onward with the weekend reviews!

Iowa 28 Team Slumpbuster 17
Well, Team Slumpbuster lived up to their name and protected their rep for another week. Meanwhile, the Hawkeyes have strung together a two game win streak and have won three of four, all with an offense that still struggles to get across the opponents 50. Fortunately, NW threw three ints to make things nice and simple for Iowa's offense.

Indiana 38 Ball State 20
James Hardy, Kellen Lewis, Austin Starr: Ballin', straight ballin.

Paterno State 26 Purdue 19
Did not catch any of this game, but the score probably shouldn't have been this close. Still Paterno State did keep Purdue's offense out of the end zone.

Michigan 28 Michigan State 24 Michigan's pre-ordained Big Ten Title is still intact thanks to yet, another, collapse of Titanic proportions on Michigan State's part. Holy Shit! That's three blown fourth quarter leads for MSU this season! I mean, we've seen this before and even before that: here. But, WOW! This is getting embarassingly inadequate.

Beard Season

2007-11-05T09:31:00.000-08:00

I don't really mind winters in the Midwest, I mean, it's not my favorite season ('sup fall?) but it does afford me the opportunity to grow a beard. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Tony Ritz, why the heck don't you grow a beard whenever you feel like it?" And, I'd have to tell you, because beards are most bitching in the winter time? Are you a dude sporting a scarf? Bah! You wouldn't even need that dandy accoutrement if you had a beard. Hey, have you not paid your taxes yet? Well, shit, man! If you had a beard, you're troubles would be over. People with beards don't pay taxes! And really when the cold winds begin to blow off Lake Michigan and the oldies stations in the Midwest begin pumping "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" my facial follicles really begin to chomp at the bit to get some playtime. So screw off mustache and take a break goatee, this time of year belongs to the beard.

Weekend Wrap Up: "Cool"umbus Edition

2007-11-05T08:01:00.000-08:00

Got back last night from Columbus and the (surprisingly) laid back Buckeye Gameday atmosphere. Not sure if the OSU faithful are getting spoiled/less drunk/or more "vagi-sized" but I was expecting a lot more phsyical and verbal admonishment. Aside from one churlish "Wisconsin Sucks!" thrown at us from a passing car after the game and blocks away from campus we heard and witnessed none of the much ballyhooed Ohio State venom. Columbus: Step yr game up.

The game itself was remarkably close for the first 2.5 quarters and once Wisconsin had gone up 17-10 in the third, the Horseshoe was eerily silent for a stadium that houses 100,000+. However, after that brief, and oh, so, fleeing moment of temporary triumph for Wisconsin, OSU got serious and buried the Badgers in an avalanche of Beanie Wells run plays and waited for UW to shit away the game on offense thanks to Tyler Donovan.

Badger Defenders: A part of any freak of nature's well-balanced diet.

Columbus, itself, was a spectacularly pleasant and intoxicating experience and as usual the culprits for both the pleasantries and libations were the three-headed monster of Dave, Laura and Kim. Thanks to all of you.

Sports Thursday

2007-11-01T09:34:00.000-07:00

As inexorably as the fall season shifts into winter, so goes the Big Ten conference and the collisions of her teams each weekend on the football field, winners and losers emerge and time marches forward. And just as the fall in it's inevitable march towards winter has it's arboreal display of fireworks, so to does the Big Ten offer its own display of gridiron explosives. This weekend we are treated to one such display as Tony Ritz's proud and flagging? alma mater does battle with Ohio State. Suddenlystruttin will be in attendance for that game and we're quite pumped to be headed for Columbus which has a gameday atmosphere most reminiscent of a carnival taking place in a demilitarized zone. "Drink this Coors Light and 'Tussin mixer and get ready for Ohio Fucking State Football!"

non-Big Ten Game of Note

Arizona State vs Oregon 6:40 pm, EST, ESPN: A rare nationally televised game for the strange West Coast product known as Pac 10 football. Arizona State and Oregon are decidedly "jacked" this season and I'm already drooling at the prospect of witnessing this game from the relative safety of a bar/bunker in the Hell on Earth that is Columbus after a game. The combined offensive production for these two squads whence pitted against one another should approach 1,000 yards if not surpass that number. I'm taking Oregon, what with the game being in Eugene.
Oregon 45 Arizona State 42

Big Ten Games

Purdue vs Paterno State noon, EST, ESPN: Paterno State must rebound after being burned like a pile of brush in southern California by Ohio State last week. The Nittany Lions defense sohuld smother Purdue's offense along the line of scrimmage thanks to the strength of the defensive line. Purdue should do all they can to get the ball to Dorien Bryant on offense and on defense they should just let PSU qb Anthony Morelli do his thing, and by "thing" I mean screw up royally.
Paterno State 23 Purdue 17

Iowa vs Team Slumpbuster, noon, EST, ESPN2 The Hawkeyes are coming off a hard fought and statistically misleading overtime victory over Michigan State last week and are completely due for a letdown. That being said, Team Slumpbuster is stil Team Slumpbuster, however, I'm going with Northwestern's "eh" offense against Iowa's not-so-impervious defense.
Team Slumpbuster 24 Iowa 13

Ball State vs Indiana, noon, EST, Big Ten Network As gamely as Ball State played last week against Illinois, I've got a hunch that Indiana will roll over the Cardinals. James Hardy and Kellen Lewis should get back on the same page this week and Hardy is due for a big game against a mediocre pass defense after being shut out of the end zone for the first time all season last week.
Indiana 35 Ball State 21

Wisconsin vs Ohio State noon, EST, Big Ten Network: Inexplicably this game is being broadcast on the small-market Big Ten Network, "the home of mediocre announcing since 2007!" I cannot begin to fathom how pissed off I would be if I awoke on Saturday morning fully expecting to watch this game on ABC or ESPN only to discover that the game is on a channel my cable provider does not carry. Thankfully, that scenario only exists in my mind and I, of course, will be risking life and limb in the hornets nest that is Columbus, Ohio. The over/under on my survival will fluctuate drastically with the decision of me to sport my Wisconsin tee on the streets or only inside the still-unsafe but marginally more patrolled confines of the Horseshoe.
The over/under and outcome of the actal game, sadly, is not nearly as variable and I fully expect Ohio State to suffocate the life out of Wisconsin's talentless offense. The only way the Badgers keep it close is if their defense embodies that of the tent raiding Badger of last year instead of the cartoon Pirate Badger that's been on the field the majority of this season.
Ohio State 31 Wisconsin 10

Michigan vs Michigan State, 3:30 EST, ABC: Michigan should have no trouble with Michigan State. Henne should find Mario Manningham and the rest of the receiving corps wide open all game long, which should set up Mike Hart perfectly for the play-action runs that UM can run so well. Javon Ringer will be MSU's only hope and if he can squeak past the Wolverines rejuvenated and still massive defensive line, he could do some damage...
Michigan 27 Michigan State 14

Illinois vs Minnesota, 8:00 pm, Big Ten Network: Rashard Mendenhall and Juice Williams all day. Minnesota does not have a prayer.
Illinois 42 Minnesota 20

Midweek Updates

2007-10-31T12:46:00.000-07:00

A morbid and somber collection of (mostly) celebrity-related links on this All Hallows Eve. Also, what with it being Halloween, how many of the suddenlystruttin readership is dressing up and going out tonight? I can't completely explain it, but Halloween to many 20 somethings means more now as an opportunity to get wasted and/or lucky than it did as a chance to get free candy as a kid. I can completely understand the superficialities, I mean, isn't alcohol simply candy for grown ups? But there's something else there too, the costumes et cetera... In any case tell everybody what your costume is in the comments and be safe out there, don't drink anything with a razor blade sticking out of it.

RIP Robert Goulet
There are countless times when I wished Robert Goulet was my dad and, hmmm, that's about it, actually, I'm pretty sure I'll remember him more from the Will Ferrell skits on SNL.

Genius! I always hated the Jackass spinoff shows on MTV, in particular Bam Margera's show and his personality really grated on me. Completely unfunny cock knocker who'd wiped out sans helmet one too many times. The shadenfreude is off the charts with this story. The best part is the quote, "just kill me now!" Nice, dude.

Early leader and surefire winner of Jack Ass of the Week Ladies if you live in Phoenix and work at Hooters please remember to remove your baby from the car.

Happy Halloween

2007-10-31T11:39:00.000-07:00

A few months ago when I started my netflix account back up, I had this grand scheme of having my queue coordinated so that today, October 31, I'd have a stockpile of scary movies that I could then watch in the safety of my apartment. Alas, that plan has fallen apart and according to the last email netflix sent me, I should be expecting "Mystery Train" when I get back to my place tonight. Grrrrreat, how am I going to be scared witless when I'm watching a Jim Jarmusch film? I can't, that's how.

And in other news, I had to ship two boxes from Ohio back to Chicago last week. Well, the packages finally arrived yesterday and UPS can go fornicate itself with an iron rod. I'd taken the time to wrap up the fragile items, explained to the UPS clerk what was being shipped and still there were at least two or three broken items per box. UPS: Fuck You!

Links-o-Rama

2007-10-30T10:44:00.000-07:00

Nothing new to report from Logan Square today, hmm, maybe I'll do a Cubano Review later on today. For now, here's a bunch of links...

Man Eats 103 Hamburgers in 8 Minutes!

Call me old-fashioned, but I'm constantly amazed by Competitive Eating. You can keep your X-Games, hula hoops, snow boards and war veterans. Competitive eaters are the real American heroes. I mean 103 burgers in a year is impressive, let alone eight minutes! I mean, in eight minutes I've usually finished up with all of the "foreplay" and begun to undo the fine young lady's [Careful, Tony Ritz, Caaaareful-Ed.] Right, in any case, kudos to you Joey Chestnut, your 103 burgers in eight minutes is a Hell of an accomplishment.

From The Pot Calling the Kettle Black Dept:

The President lambasted the Congress for what he referred to as "time wasting." Oooh, BURN! Take that Congress.

House Speaker, Nacy Pelosi responded to Bush's opening salvo with a zinger of her own:

“The president calls Congressional oversight that has uncovered tens of billions of dollars in waste, fraud and abuse in Iraq a ‘waste of time.’ We call billions spent in no-bid contracts to Halliburton a waste of money,”

Pelosi than snapped her fingers, called Laura Bush a trollop and referred to the Bush daughters as open-legged tarts!

The French and Spaniards Are Stealing Babies!

The African nation of Chad brought abduction and fraud charges against 16 Europeans accused of kidnapping 103 children from the Darfur region. The French and Spanish people snatchers are accused of using sweets and biscuits to lure children away from their villages.

You know, I'd expect this from the French, Lord knows, they couldn't kidnap adults and I wouldn't be a bit surprised if the French nearly surrendered to the children on a few occasions as a force of habit. But the Spaniards? For shame.

Lots of Sex Keeps You Healthy and Young-Looking

If anybody is wondering what to get me for my birthday next year, this woman and her attitude wouldn't be a bad place to start...

*HT: The Superficial

The NBA Season Starts Tonight

Here's some youtube of Kobe dropping 81 points from a two seasons ago.

Problems With My Apartment

2007-10-29T13:11:00.000-07:00

A new feature on suddenlystruttin "Problems With My Apartment" is intended to be a forum for me to bitch, moan and lament the many faults of my apartment. You as the wonderful readers of suddenlystruttin should feel compelled to completely ignore this new feature or comment, love and above all else worship this new feature.

Problem #1: The dumb woman who lives with her grown son in the apartment behind mine. When I say, "dumb" I do not mean unintelligent I mean that she cannot speak. She's one-third the woman Helen Keller was and is fully annoying to me. I hate to sound like a real asshole [Really? -Ed.] but this person for far too long has scared the holy bejesus out of me. My landlord made no mention of my bedroom wall sharing a common wall with the rear aparment and definitely said nothing of the freakish mute/dumb old crone who lives in the rear apartment. My first night in the new apartment (May 1, if I recall) I was awoken at 3:20 in the fucking AM by some of the most terrifying and guttural noises ever managed by an "alleged" human vocal chord. Convinced that there was a monster of unknown origin lurking somewhere in the wall behind my bed; I, armed with a pitchfork and torch, stayed up the rests of the night fighting off slumber all for the sake of Vigilance Against Monsters. The next day I called my landlord:

Me:"Hey Anthony, is there a monster in this building?"
Landlord:"What are you talking about?"
Me:"Yeah, something was making awful sounds at around 3:30 in the morning, any ideas?"
Landlord:"Can you be a little more descriptive?"
Me:"Well, it sounded like an animal being tortured but more guttural."
Landlord:"It could be the mute in the back."
Me: "Excuse me? Did you say, 'mute in the back?'"
Landlord:"Yeah, a mute woman lives in the rear apartment with her adult son who helps her out."
Me: "Uh huh, yeah, so, you didn't want to tell me that my bedroom shares a wall with the rear apartment's bedroom, and that in said bedroom lurks a monstrously voiced woman?"
Landlord:"I guess it slipped my mind."
Me:"Thanks, well, I gotta go."

Since that fateful conversation the lexical cacophony has not ceased nor even diminished and most mornings between 3:30 and 6:30 I'm awakened by a fit of vomiting consonants, grunts and cries. It'd be so much funnier if this person suffered from Tourettes but as is, the humor has evaporated from this situation and I only grow more tired, annoyed and above all else bothered by her early morning fits.

Weekend Wrap

2007-10-28T20:19:00.000-07:00

Happy Monday! If the reality of another work week starting wasn't enough to bring you down, then reading this review of the weekend that was in Big Ten Country should do the trick. I'm still hungover from going to two too many Halloween parties, I was Julius Caesar and like any good Roman Emperor for Life I had to revel with the fervor of Bacchus.

My life! Stricken down by my oldest friend, alas, "Et tu, High Life?"

In any case, on with the review of football...

Wisconsin 33 Indiana 3
"Uh, hi, Wisconsin, thanks for joining the rest of us." UW's defense after taking most of this season off from the whole concept of "effort," has shown up the past two weeks. It's one thing to mercilessly pound the snot out of MAC also ran, Northern Illinois, but the Badgers suffocated an Indiana team that had hitherto been rather good at offense. James Hardy was shut out from the endzone for the first time all year! against UW's secondary which is a head scratcher. Pajamas Hill went out with an injury and his backup, affectionately, known as "Home Jersey," thanks to his house arrest won't be playing in Columbus. Does not bode well for Bucky and crew. More on that later this week.

Illinois 28 Ball State 17
Congrats to the Zookster and his Fightin' Illini, Illinois is now heading for a bowl game for the first time since 2001 and only their third bowl game in the past 13 seasons. Ball State sorta didn't suck in this game and kept it pretty close for a lot longer than I'm sure the Illini Nation would've liked.

Iowa 34 Michigan State 27
Still not certain how Iowa managed to wrack up double digit points total, let alone a tally that got out of the low teens. But, uhh, hmm, well, Michigan State should really work on their defense. That's what I think, seriously, how do you give up 34 to Iowa? We are talking about the 2007 Iowa offense, the offense that's currently the fifth worst offense in the country, right? Good, cause for a minute I thought I was in some Bizzaro universe where Iowa was good at scoring points.

Purdue 35 Team Slumpbuster 17
This game was really entertaining for a half and then Purdue's offense went into overdrive as it is wont to do against inferior opponents. Credit's due for Northwest...err, Team Slumpbuster for scheming up an awesome hook and ladder play that they tied the game with in the second quarter. Good work! Please, if you need gimmick plays to score points, do so!

Michigan 34 Minnesota 10
Michigan stomped the life out of a pathetic Minnesota team, blah blah blah blah... I tell ya, this Michigan crushing everybody in the Big Ten is getting quite rote and it's not boding well for the conference if the Wolverines DO in fact win the Big Ten.

Ohio State 37 Paterno State 17
Well, that wasn't very close was it? Ohio State steamrolled another opponent in what should've been a challenging environment. I still don't think OSU is that good, but until someone shows up and can actually challenge them they'll keep getting their D's essed by the media, looking at tOSU's schedule the only team I can forsee slowing them down is Michigan.
As for Penn State, fuck you! This team has been terrible all year long with their only "marquee" wins being over a toothless and witless Notre Dame squad and a Wisconsin team that's more up and down than Robert Downey Jr. on a bender. Somewhere in Happy Valley the Nittany Lion's cold and dead black eyes are crying and there's nothing that can be done.

Halloweekend Preview!

2007-10-26T15:55:00.000-07:00

Sorry about the lack of postings this week, real life was calling non-stop all week and I wasn't even in Chicago, nope, I was in Ohio with a painfully slow wifi signal to deal with. Next week should be a return to normal with plenty of "hilarious" stories and irreverent sports writing. If you haven't already, please, take a look at my team preview on hoopsblogging .

Well, Halloweekend is upon us all once again, and with that comes the inevitable slutty outfits of normally modest, church going young women ...cough...yeah, right...cough...

"I feel like eating in tonight."

More importantly? well, pertaining to college football at least, Halloweekend typically affords the cream to rise, and even in this season's, generously described, "down" Big Ten Conference there are a number of important games.

Indiana vs. Wisconsin, noon EST, Big Ten Network. Kellen Lewis and James Hardy should thrash UW's beleaguered secondary. The real question will be, whether or not IU's defense can slow down PJ Hill. I doubt it. Wisconsin with the win holds out slim hope for a New Year's Day bowl invite and the Hoosiers need to wait another week for a crack at six wins and bowl eligibility. Indiana 17 Wisconsin 27

Michigan State vs. Iowa, noon, ESPN2 The Hawkeyes have been showing some vague signs of life the past few weeks and their defense has been "goodish" all year long. MSU's offense is most impressive and viewers have got a good chance at witnessing Javon Ringer pop off another 100 yard day. Iowa's offense will be forced to keep up with Michigan State, not a good proposition.
Michigan St. 31 Iowa 21

Minnesota vs Michigan, 3:30 ESPN Classic, really? Two years ago Minnesota, incredibly, beat Michigan at the Big House in Ann Arbor. Suffice it to say, that's an impossibility this time around. Upon saying that I fully expect karma to kick my idiot ass and have the Gophers "shock" the Wolverines.
Minnesota 13 Michigan 27

Ohio State vs. Penn State, 8:00, ABC Morelli sucks too much and the Buckeyes' defense is well-nigh impregnable. Two years ago in a slightly different scenario (Michael Robinson in lieu of Anthony Morelli) the Nittany Lions defensive line wreaked havoc in OSU's backfield all night. Not happening this time, sorry Rudy.
Ohio State 31 Penn State 13

I got published...

2007-10-24T14:22:00.000-07:00

Chad of Hoopsblogging fame was kind enough to publish another one of my NBA team previews for his site. This time it's the Golden State Warriors, and, I tell ya, you'll never meet a more hilarious bunch of lovable misfits!

Please, check it out: Golden State Warriors Preview

And for those of y'all that are late to the party here's my first team preview: Orlando Magic Team Preview

Another Reason Not To Like Baseball

2007-10-22T05:45:00.000-07:00

Screw Boston, Screw the World Series.

If you're keeping score at home this is the fourth Ohio based team to be humiliated in a national televised Final or Championship.

January: Ohio State is floored by Florida in the National Championship game for football.

April: Ohio State is konked by Florida (again!) in the National Championship game for basketball.

June: Cleveland Cavaliers are brained by San Antonio in the NBA Finals.

October: Indians lose three games in a row and are eliminated by Boston in the ALCS.

Karmic Retribution, shitting on Ohio sports since ad infinitum.

Posting will be very light this week thanks to real life stuff needing to get done.

We Can't Buy Back Those Brain Cells

2007-10-21T09:14:00.000-07:00

P.F. Diehl of dport7 fame just headed out for O'Hare and Brooklyn, NY. Hedonism is only a vague and, ultimately, inaccurate way to describe what was experienced in Chicago this weekend. Details follow, I cannot corroborate the accuracy of these events and, yes, my head is killing me, that's simply the price you pay for fun.

Weekend Rundown

Friday:

11:00 am. Paul arrives. We go to Threadless, where I copped the freshest tee I've bought in years. Let me also give a shout out to the gorgeous sales girl. "Stalking" is such an ugly term, I like to think of what we have as a one-sided and persistent fondness.

12:30 pm. Hot Doug's where we gorged on the most delicious sausages available - no homo! I went with the succulent pheasant sausage with cheese-stuffed sweet peppers. Paul nabbed the BLT sausage. It looked good.

1:30 pm. Let the drinking commence! Strut into the Bob Inn and after four hours, indeterminate amount of beers, and eight? [Presumably eight, we're not entirely sure.-Ed.] shots later, strut on out. Seriously, we were the only customers the bartender, Kristen had for the first hour and a half. Her to us, "If I'm getting drunk at my job, you guys are getting drunk with me." Malort, Jaeger, Beam all shot down and all gratis. Thanks!

5:30 pm. New bar. Somehow we're still up and able to ride our bikes. Bike lock "somehow" got "broken" between bars. Transsexual bartender graciously allows us to bring bikes in bar. More beers, more shots. Paul burned his finger playing with matches and a nurse next us at the bar wrapped some ice in a bag and, in general, was far too concerned with his pinky's well-being. I suggested that he "clean the sand out" and continue on with the drinking. The nurse felt otherwise.

-Time Indeterminate- Taqueria on Kimball and Armitage. Dinner/Burrito fight.

Burrito fight? Heed the advice of a foppish, pink mountain lion and exit post haste.

-Time Indeterminate- At the suggestion of a fellow sot we, after, "Exit, Stage Left." from the taqueria went to his house and indulged in other substances. Paul then passed out at friends house for the next 13 hours.

-Time Indeterminate- With Paul passed out, the remaining members of our adventursome burrito dinner and I marched to one of the many Logan Square speakeasies. I, in my altered state of mind, felt that the best course of action was to act like I was deaf around some awful women, who were waaaay to fucking adamant about me dancing with them. And as an aside, why is it that only the nastiest women ever have the gall to actually approach a dude about dancing? or doing shots? or ... it boggles the mind. In any case the "Plan: Act Deaf!" worked for about five minutes. [Ed. You can't actually listen to what they're saying. You're supposed to be deaf! Imbecile!] Brain ceased to function shortly after that exchange.

Mind still reeling from Saturday ... Pumpkins were carved. Beer, shots, going to sleep at six am. Taqueria without burrito fights. That sounds about right.

P.F. Diehlport be All Up In Chicago

2007-10-19T08:18:00.000-07:00

Updating is gonnna be waaaaay spotty this weekend. In fact, let's just say, Tony Ritz is taking the weekend off to get a lil crazy with the Hall and Oates vinyls, white wine and chewing tobacco. Why? Cause the mad design genius behind dport7.com and long time suddenlystruttin supporter Paul is in the City of Chicago. Look out Mayor Daley, we're gunnin' for you.

Women lock yourselves up and save your father/husband/boyfriend the trouble!

Details and photos, inevitably to follow on this site and dport7.com

Have a Grrrrreat Weekend!

Sports Thursday

2007-10-18T11:35:00.000-07:00

The Big Ten schedule, in spite of itself, only quasi-sucks this weekend. At first glance, it may seem like, "Huh! Another full load of pachyderm-quality crap games." But if you look closer at that heaping stack of elephant dung, there are in fact some fascinating things occurring. Much like the African dung beetle, for instance, Penn State @ Indiana offers a glimpse at the Herculean tasks that everyone, be they beetle or Hoosier, must face everyday. In honor of this momentous non-step backwards for the conference, I offer drink suggestions and factual analysis/predictions.

Northwestern @ Eastern Michigan, 7:00 pm, EST. ESPN U Shouldn't you be out to dinner with friends, or out at a bar for Happy Hour, hitting on your choicest of co-workers? If you happen to be out at a bar and glance at the score of this game, that's understandable. Otherwise, do yourself a favor and avoid this game. Regarding the game itself; hey, sometimes a pony gets depressed and sometimes Team Slumpbuster needs to bust their own slump.

Prediction: Team Slumpbuster 34 Eastern Michigan 21

Suggested Drinks: As already mentioned you should be at a bar. Do what you normally do on a Friday night and drink until you've got enough ~~confidence~~ loss of inhibitions to talk to a person of the opposite sex.

Paterno State vs Indiana, 12:00 pm, EST, ESPN Indiana's offensive juggernaut versus Paterno State's defensive goliath. James Hardy and Kellen Lewis should still get theirs but I expect PSU's defensive line is going to be waaaaay too much for Indiana. Unless Morelli finds a way to, well, "Morelli" things up for the Nittany Lions, PSU should roll.

Prediction: PSU 27 Indiana 14

Suggested Drinks: This game is starting at 11 am out here in CST, so, I'll be, most likely, asleep. Let prudence be your guide.

North Dakota State vs Minnesota, 12:00 pm, Big Ten Network Woe to the Golden Gophers of Minnesota. They head into this weekend's tilt with the Bisons of NDSU as a 1-6 team that has been hemorrhaging points all season long, and sadly that trend will not stop on Saturday. The Bison should roll against Minnesota, in spite of their "cupcake" label. Of course, the BTN has this game picked up in the hope of capturing that vaunted Fargo-audience. Smart choice!

Prediction NDSU 35 Minnesota 20

Suggested Drinks: Minnesota fan: Arsenic on the rocks. NDSU fan: Moet, lots of Moet. Casual fan: Why bother?

Northern Illinois vs Wisconsin, 12:00 pm, EST, Big Ten Network Dollars to doughnuts says nobody knows who the Hell Justin Anderson is. Justin Anderson is the nation's sixth leading rusher and he happens to play for Northern Illinois. Wisconsin, happens to be the NIU Huskies opponent this weekend. UW, also happens to be surrendering 162 yards of rushing per game and for three straight weeks have allowed a 100 yard rusher. I'm not saying UW, with a very vulnerable defense and a completely incompetent offense will lose; but, I am saying UW will have a very difficult time. And that Justin Anderson will make it extremely nerve-wracking for the Badger faithful in attendance at Camp Randall.

Prediction: No. Illinois 17 UW 23

Suggested Drinks Whiskey and Coke, plenty of them. Whiskey to desensitize and Coke for caffeine's rejuvenating qualities.

Iowa vs Purdue, 12:00 pm, EST, ESPN 2 Upon being destroyed by the menacing defenses of Ohio State and Michigan in consecutive weeks The Boilermakers- point a minute offense of earlier this season, is nothing but a faint memory. Purdue now returns home from Ann Arbor to face an increasingly competent appearing Iowa squad, that has another stout defense. Curtis Painter will be spending some QT with his chiropractor after this game, unless, of course! Joe Tiller has somehow smuggled in the o-line of the New England Patriots. Iowa's offense, well, they might score a touchdown. I mean, they are averaging 16.3 points a game, they have to get at least one TD and that should be enough.

Prediction: Iowa 13 Purdue 10

Suggested Drinks: Follow Sea Bass' lead:

"Make it four Boilermakers."

Michigan State vs Ohio State With this game the "#1" team in the country, the Buckeyes, begins in earnest it's quest to get back to the national title game. They've faced no offense as talented nor as deep as MSU's and the only one that comes remotely close, Purdue, was shut out for 59:10 of the game. Team Choke Artist needs to approach this game, and think, "Let's keep it close." Although, Javon Ringer should pop off a few nice runs. Of course, the last time Team Choke Artist showed up in Columbus, it was the beginning of the end for John L. Smith and the beginning of the Buckeyes run at domination. Honestly, tOSU could very well be looking forward to their game @ Penn State next week. Time will tell.

Different Coach, Same Team

Prediction: John L. Smith Memorial Team 21 Ohio State 34

Suggested Drink: Coors Light and 'Tussin Mixer. Only one drink can match the mayhem, nerves and fear that is Columbus on gameday. Tip your pharmacist upon buying the Robitussin, they'll get it.

Michigan vs Illinois As it is Lloyd versus the Zookster is a fairly comical coaching match up and of course, the powers that be would never allow Zook and Carr to star in their own sit com. [Ed's Note: Damn the man, sir!] But, oh, the mischief and capers those scamps would get into!

Scene: Lloyd: "Now Ron, you remember that I've invited Michigan bursars over for dinner. Did you pick up that pork roast like I asked you to?"

Ron: "Oh Lloyd! I completely forgot, and besides, tonight's the night I've got tickets for Aerosmith."

Lloyd: "ZOOOKSTER! I've had it to up here with your hijinks!"

Ron: "Aww, take a chill pill, what are you on the rag? I hope the Zookster's sizzlin' hot date sure ain't havin' a visit from the old Aunty Flo. Y'know what I mean, highfive!"

Lloyd: "ZOOOOKSTER!"

Where was I? Oh yeah, yeah, the game: Illinois meet Reality. Reality meet Illinois. Michigan will run all over the Fightin' Illini. Mike Hart, who should be a legitimate Heisman candidate with his stats will punish Illinois' entire defensive front seven.

Prediction:Michigan 35 Illinois 17

Drink Suggestion: Lloyd's of the world will prefer: a strong Tanqueray and Tonic. Zookster's of the world will crave: Killian's Red.

Site Update

2007-10-17T21:55:00.000-07:00

Sorry about the extremely late updating this "morning." I was having technical difficulties with something called "Wiffy" or "Wi-Fi"? I don't know.

What I do know is that the poll is closed and that in an extremely narrow decision the Yays defeated the Nays by a vote of one. What this means for you, the dedicated reaader of suddenlystruttin, is that I'll hopefully have some "great" "content" pertaining to more agonizing dating experience. What it means for me, Tony Ritz, is exposing myself to, potentially, awesome STIs. Shots: Updated!

Sports Thursday should be coming along in a little bit, and tomorrow, we'll, hopefully, be having a special guest blogger to comment on the Cleveland Indians game tonight.

Also, before that tricky and invisible wizardry know as "Wiffy" went all haywire, I updated the blog roll, please, peruse, click and read. Everyone on that list is much better than this site.

Stay Tuned!

It's Time For Another Midweek Update

2007-10-17T08:59:00.000-07:00

Slow and boring news week thus far. Al Gore doesn't want to run for President again and, hmmm, that's sorta it. C'mon celebrities, do something stupid and dangerous. And where are all the shark attacks and reports of rednecks dangling babies over freeways? In any case here's some "interesting " "news" from the Internets.

Best Buy to discontinue Analog TVs Yeah, so, if you don't have a digital television yet, you might want to get on that. [Editor's note: "Uhh, sir, we don't have a digital tv yet.] Although something tells me that by the time the Mutant Wars of 2015 have taken out a third of the US population, those mutants will have raided an old analog broadcast station to send their message of "peace" to the masses.

Hardee's announces Gigantic Breakfast Burrito! Can you say "Eggs"-treme? Do you crave a breakfast burrito jam packed with muscle building proteins and fats? Do you scoff at Denny's Lumberjack Slam and say "I want more! "Well, friend, somebody heard you, and that "somebody" was Hardee's. The fast-food chain has announced the debut of their new 920 calorie breakfast burrito, the burrito harbors a staggering 60 grams of fat and is loaded with: 2 eggs, sausage, bacon, ham, hash browns and country gravy all wrapped in a flour tortilla. Your brain will say "Gimme." and your gut will say "Thanks."

Uhh, chicagoburgerproject, I think I smell a field trip!

"Chicago could use a casino!" Politicos and lawmakers alike are debating the feasibility of a casino in the City of Broad Shoulders, I, for one, am all for it. I mean, when, in the course of humankind has a casino been a bad idea? What? No sports gambling!?! This is an outrage!

"Here We Go Again"

2007-10-16T09:59:00.000-07:00

Thanks to dogtownsurfer for the inspiration on this post. And, people, for realz! check his blog out!

Ten Things I Like To Do:

-Make up lies about being Jewish.
-Think up new terms for boobs.
-Be mean to people I don't like, or pretend they aren't even there.
-Say "no" to entirely reasonable requests because I don't feel like doing said request.
-Watch clips of "arrested development" on youtube.
-Plot elaborate schemes of vengeance against those who have wronged me.
-Leave meager tips for waiters and waitresses when they make minor fuck ups.
-Leave extremely long, winding and, ultimately, pointless voicemails.
-Ignore or delete voicemails without listening to them.
-Bump into long-forgotten former flings at late night bars in Chicago, to wit:

Saturday night after a vigorous drinking session at a friend's birthday party I headed over to The Continental, which is a late night. *For those not in the know, Chicago's bars normally close at 2:00 on weekdays and 2:30 on weekends. You need a special license to stay open past those hours. The city is not very forthcoming with these licenses and the 4 am bars are seedy, Bacchanalian venues that cater to one's lowest impulses.* In any case, a friend and I found ourselves at Continental and were continuing our journey into the Realm of Drunk when I heard an excited "Tony!" and I turned to see who it could be. "No Shit!" says my drunk brain, "it's fuckin' Tawny.*" In any case, Tawny was very drunk and very excited to see me. After a few exchanged pleasantries and a few more libations I ended up walking her back to her apartment and tucking her in for the night, uhh, at like 5:30 in the morning. Before I left she insisted that I give her my number. People what I'm wondering is, should I stay in touch with this person? Here are the Pros and Cons:

Pros

-Girl's body is banging, straight bangin! She's got the whole Kim Kardashian hover-booty goin on, whilst sporting a proportionally more manageably-sized ass.

-Packs fun like it's goin' outta style. Once challenged me to a game of strip Ping Pong, claimed to be "handicapping" herself by removing her top before the game started. Suffice to say, I lost the game but ended up being a winner all the same.

-Has an extremely low self-esteem.

Cons

-Before our coincidental rendezvous at the bar on Saturday night, I'd noticed her on the street like a year earlier and, well, let's just say her weight possibly fluctuates like the tide in the Bay of Fundy.

-Never has struck me as the sharpest knife in the drawer.

-Has an extremely low self-esteem.

In any case, in accordance with the democratic process of suddenlystruttin, y'all the readers can vote on whether I should call her or not. Heck, maybe (more than likely) I'll write about any dates with her.

* Tawny's totally her name, like, for sure.

JB, please relax

2007-10-16T09:20:00.000-07:00

Okay, so, the one or two readers of suddenlystruttin are getting antsy. All I can say is, calm the eff down. I'm working on it.

In the meantime, here's some youtubeage:

Asians are funny because they're unlike me.

Midgets, also funny because they're also different than I am.

Get On This!

2007-10-15T14:25:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody, Faith over @ This Suit Is Not Black has a really good interview with the ex-girlfriend of Barry Bonds. Most of you don't like reading about sports, but it's a Grrrreat interview. Check that tip like Colombo!

Weekend Wrap Up: Continued

2007-10-15T11:56:00.000-07:00

And, we're back for the enthralling conclusion to this week's edition of "Weekend Wrap Up."

Purdue 5-2

Preseason/Early Season Hopes After running up the score on an early season schedule that was softer than Snuggle Bear, pundits and fans alike were buying into the incredible numbers that Purdue's offense were putting up and were clamoring for Purdue to be a "darkhorse" Big Ten title chaser.

Ugly Midseason Reality
The past two weeks The Boilermaker faithful have had Stealers Wheel, "Stuck in Middle With You" on repeat considering the torture they've bore witness to, courtesy of OSU and Michigan. After confronting two quasi-legitimate defenses the Boilermakers have folded like a card table and their fans are left to ponder the reality of their team being as threatening as a puppy and the possibility of missing a bowl game.

DEBATE: Purdue or Puppy, who's more menacing?

Indiana 5-2

Preseason Hype How will this team respond after their coach died?

Midseason Reality Startling well! Indiana has already won more games this season than it did last year. Uber-wideout, James Hardy continues his silent but deadly assault on Big Ten secondaries, for those of you not in the know, Hardy is putting up some otherworldly figures-not quite Crabtree digits, but still, incredible.

Prediction Middling Bowl Game. Monument erected in James Hardy's form.

Paterno State 5-2

Preseason Hopes BCS or Bust! Steel trap defense locks everybody down. Morelli matures into a capable and talented "game manager."

Midseason Reality PSU is just another mediocre Big Ten squad, tied at 2-2 in the race "for not last place" that the conference has devolved into at this point in the season.

Michigan 5-2

Preseason Hopes National Title, destruction to all that cross their path.

Midseason Reality After, ahem, this and after this Michigan still is in perfect position to win the Big Ten title.

Prediction Of course Michigan will win the Big Ten.

Weekend Wrap Up: Hopes vs Reality edition

2007-10-15T09:16:00.000-07:00

Another weekend of Big Ten football games washed away like so many sand castles along the shores of Lake Michigan; and with the midway point of the season upon us, I felt it was an opportune time to discuss and reflect upon the hopes that teams may have had and the realities they are now forced to live with. Onward!

Wisconsin, 5-2

Preseason Hope:

A run at the National Championship game and at worst a "mere" appearance in the Rose Bowl as the Big Ten representative. Wisconsin would live up to its mascot's reputation as a cunning, aggressive and opportunistic omnivore. They would raid the tents of their Big Ten opposition and , indeed, be "scoffin ur foods" and at the same time crushing their opponent's will to live.

Midseason Reality

A mere two weeks ago UW was still undefeated, undeniably a shaky undefeated, but still undefeated. After two straight losses to Illinois and Paterno State and with tilts against Michigan and Ohio State still to come the Badgers need to re-evaluate their space in existence. Instead of manifesting the irascible nature of their mascot's temperament, UW has instead, focused on the cuddly and non-threatening images that are connoted upon merely glancing at the cartoon pirate badger that MS Paint hath wrought.

Prediction "Avast! Set sail for adventure on the placid and middling seas of Tampa for a date in the Outback Bowl. Yarr, and save me a Bloomin' Onion"

Illinois

Preseason Hopes none.

Midseason Reality Bound for a bowl game for the first time in half a decade. They still have to face Michigan and Ohio State, so, think more-Music City than Capital One.

Prediction Zook Fever! Catch It. I'm assuming that Zook is going to be teaming up with Dane Cook for some hott recruiting videos to capture more Rashard Mendenhalls and Juice Williams. Not sure if Illinios' immediate future is quite at Timbuk 3 levels yet, but it's looking better and better.

Ohio State

Preseason Hope Big Ten title, Rose Bowl berth, Silencin' the haters after their abysmal showing against Florida last January.

Midseason Reality Shockingly, Ohio State is number one in the first BCS rankings and haven't played a single quality opponent. Big Ten title and National Title berth are completely within Tressel's grasp. Will have to beat Penn State, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan and of those four only the Wolverines are sizing up as a "threat."

"I ain't a mad rapper, I'm just an emcee wit' a temper."

Prediction Inevitably, tOSU will lose at least one game and probably go to the Rose Bowl as the Big Ten Champ. Could slip to a BCS at-large team, but I don't really see them not going to the Rose, unless disaster strikes.

Minnesota ...not going there.

More to come later...

You've Won This Round, Rudy

2007-10-14T14:52:00.000-07:00

Your fellow PSU alumni would like to offer you some of his beer. Hopefully that will sate your thirst until we meet again.

Thanks Deadspin!

2007-10-12T11:45:00.000-07:00

More afraid of all these visitors than Buster is of sheep!

Hello, deadspinners. Thanks to Will for linking us in the blogdome today. Look around and see what we've got.

Jack Ass of the Week: Barf Alert!

2007-10-12T08:58:00.000-07:00

This Guy! He's an artist. He's surgically implanted an ear in his arm. And Ladies, he's single!*

"So, I held my cell up to my arm and said, "Can you ear me now?"

*Cannot attest to veracity of that statement, please consult suddenlystruttin's legal team.
** Thanks to The Big Lead for the linkage!

I Gots Published

2007-10-11T14:54:00.000-07:00

Chad over at hoopsblogging was kind enough to publish my team preview for the Orlando Magic. Presumably, Chad was really desperate for hack writers and I'm still hoping he goes all "Zeke" on me. Feel free to click on over to hoopsblogging and ch-ch-check it out!

*******UPDATE******* I just found out that I win something if enough people go to hoopsblogging and leave intelligent and reasonable comments. Hurry up and go, comment like the wind!

Sports Thursday: Big Ten ....GROooooANNNN...

2007-10-11T11:04:00.000-07:00

Holy Fuck! This weekend's bill of Big Ten games is terrible, dead puppies terrible, demilitarized zone terrible! Minnesota @ Northwestern? Kent State @ Ohio State? Pass the poison, cuz it's gonna take a lot of "grandpa's cough syrup" to watch this shit. In honor of how dis-spiriting these games are, I'm grading each match with an estimate of how much you'll have to drink to stomach the chaotic and nausea-inducing "competition" on your TV screen.

Noon EST. Big Ten Network, Kent State vs. #3 Ohio State: Fancy yourself a real early-riser and a real early drinker? Saddle up to the Bloody Marys and forgo the tomato juice, horseradish, and other bits that you might be tempted to "filter" that powerful vodka with. Pour yourself a tall one and get bleary-eyed quickly. Drinks til Watchable: 5.5

"Make it a double. No, a triple! and keep 'em coming!"

Noon EST. ESPN2, #18 Illinois vs. Iowa: Indulge in a six pack of Capital Brewery's Autumnal Fire, 8.5% by Vol. or Bell's Two Hearted Ale 7.0% by Vol. and relish the great flavor at the same time as you relish watching Rashard Mendenhall punish Iowa's defense. Drinks til Watchable: 1.5-2

Noon EST. Mercifully, not televised, Minnesota vs. Northwestern: Do shots of tequilla until you pass out and then wake up three hours later. Drinks til Watchable: Infinity

Noon EST. Big Ten Network, Purdue vs. Michigan: A humdrum affair. Obviously watchable if you care passionately about either team. For the casual fan, I recommend Boilermakers, duh, and lots of them. Gather some friends and make a drinking game out Lloyd Carr's patented visage of contempt blended with aloofness. Drinks til Watchable: 3

Whiskey and Beer, two great tastes that go great together!

3:30 EST. ABC, #19 Wisconsin vs. Paterno State*: Hey, look! Two stodgy Big Ten offenses are lining up against each other, hooray! Yes, these two teams will be battling it out in Monty Python "Twit of the Year Fashion," as neither squad's all that good. Penn State's defense is actually kinda good, so PJ Hill could possibly be contained. Fortunately, for UW fans, in spite of Wisconsin's atrocious defense, PSU's QB sucks even more! Drinks til Watchable: 3

7:00 EST. Big Ten Network, Indiana vs. Michigan State: This haas the potential to be the most exciting Big Ten game of the week as both teams are, y'know, good at offense and bad, soooo bad, at defense. I recommend a light ale as you ease yourself into your own comfort zone with Lady Libation as your companion. Drinks til Watchable: 2

* Oh, our bet is so on, Rudy! Two pitchers of beer to the winner. PSU=Road Rage and Incompetence! Your team is "teh sux!"

Sports Thursday: Baseball and NBA edition

2007-10-11T08:48:00.000-07:00

This weekend's Big Ten schedule is looking weaker than normal, so, while I'm steeling myself for another ardurous weekend of crappy football watching, please amuse yourself with these other sports related links:

Baseball

I don't care about baseball but I feel compelled to at least mention the playoffs, seeing as, 1) The Cleveland Indians are still in it, and, I, apparently have some vested interest in their success because I'm from northern Ohio. 2)The Indians have already disposed of one half of the The Great New England Douchebag Fan Base simply by defeating the Yankees. Now they can pull off the sweep by eliminating the Boston Red Sox. With that in mind here is some artwork I made:

Yeah, I just found out about LOL" " so, yeah, expect a lot of these over the next few weeks.

Apparently, there is an entire other "league" in baseball known as the "National League" and they also have baseball playoffs going on right now. Crazy, I know. Evidently, the winners of the "National League" and the American League compete in something called the "World's Bowl" or something.

NBA News and Notes

Baron Davis, aka: Boom Diddy, aka: iBoom, aka: Sir Lay PipesAlot. has a blog! Nothing ground breaking, it's just fairly humorous and et cetera.

Okay, that's it for now. I'm trying to get up the gumption to "analyze" the Big Ten this weekend.

Berry Funny

2007-10-10T11:47:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the magnificent withleather for pointing this out. I know most of you ~~jerks~~, wonderful readers hate reading about sports. But, well, you should read withleather.

It's Midweek Updates!

2007-10-10T08:10:00.000-07:00

Here at suddenlystruttin we care about our readership and want you to be as well-informed as possible. We take the time to dig up the relevant and/or inane of the Internets. Read, comment and above all else, be informed! Love, the staff of suddenlystruttin.

Oh sure, when I don't show up for work for two weeks, because I didn't tell my superiors I was smoking a lot of opium and getting "my life straight" I get fired. But when this guy doesn't show up for two weeks he gets to "resign." Man, fuck politicians.

Jack Bauer to face 48 days in jail. I don't understand how a real American hero such as Jack Bauer couldn't possibly have received a Presidential pardon; I mean, how's a twice-convicted drunk driver like Jack Bauer s'posed to save the free-fucking-world from terror when he's behind bars? He can't, that's how.

It's Fire Prevention Week! Remember: Stop, Drop, and Roll. Especially when this friendly firelady is trying to get you out of a burning building.

"Insert clever and sexy pick up line here. *

A very incredible story about the Nobel laureate for medicine. Saw his mom get arrested by Nazis, lived on the streets and then wins a Nobel Prize? Man, I've totally been slacking my whole life. Also, just a reminder of how the award came about.**

* Paul, this one's for you!
** Paul, this one's also for you!

Awww, Crumb Bums!

2007-10-09T09:30:00.001-07:00

By now, you, the lovely readers, of suddenlystruttin know about my misadventures in the realm of internet dating. After the dust settled from those god-awful experiments and thanks to some wanton craving for the company of the fairer sex I, ~~unbelieveably~~, nay, foolhardily posted a missed connection on craigslist about rather a fetching lass I saw out and about.

Karmic Retribution, or the Fates merely toying with Tony Ritz and his affection for comely women? Time will tell.

In any case, the object of my posting stumbled upon the blasted missed connection and we're supposed to meet up. Stay tuned.

Global Warming defeats Marathoners

2007-10-08T09:46:00.001-07:00

Record high temperatures were blamed for the cancellation of the 30th Chicago Marathon on Sunday. The invisible culprit was, naturally, global warming. Global warming the "theoretical" heating up of the Earth's surface and consequential alteration of
the seasonal ebb and flow of temperature patterns, was unavailable for comment.

However, an attorney for the Industrial Age-induced phenomena was on the record as saying, "Until there's a smoking gun that directly connects my client with the cancellation of the Chicago Marathon and the tragic death of one of the participants therein, Global Warming will continue it's day-to-day erosion of the patterns of the natural world."

Global Warming, which has more and more found itself in the media's criticizing eye for such disasters as Hurricane Katrina and the consequent flooding of New Orleans, as well as, record temperatures across Continental Europe in 2004-has been connected to more and more disasters since it was first discussed openly in the late 20th Century. The President when told of the cancellation of the Chicago Marathon, was startled and outraged, remarking, "America does not negotiate with terrorists. Global Warming hates our way of life and our love of running," Bush later quipped, "I want to knock Global Warming out cold!"

In spite of more and more evidence suggesting that Global Warming is no flash-in the-pan, one trick pony there are still doubters and naysayers who challenge the very existence of the much maligned weather-related occurence. One prominent Chicago-based panhandler went so far on Sunday as to sport a clever sign stating his disbelief:

"Global Warming aint payin' me no mind nor no monies."*

Organizers of the marathon have no plans to cancel future marathons, assuming that, "these crazy temperatures can't last." Chicago native and hip hop megastar, Kanye West was on the record as saying, "Global Warming doesn't care about marathoners."

A spokeseperson for Global Warming revealed that the freakish force was planning a mild winter for most of the United States, while it was tormenting third-world nations in Africa with much-less rain than the already parched areas are typically used to.

"Global Warming doesn't care about Chicago or black people."

*Hat Tip: GGGGGGGrotte for the faboo photo.

Weekend Wrap Up

2007-10-08T07:47:00.000-07:00

Another weekend come and gone and a few more frauds to the Big Ten crown have been revealed: Good-bye Purdue and Wisconsin. Ohio State, Illinois and Michigan, you're all still eligible to win the Big Ten! Granted, that's not as big of a deal as it sometimes is; it's more like winning the special Olympics this year, so even if you win, maybe keep it on the "DL."

"Man, I'm sooo high. What? We lost the game? We were playing in a game? You mean besides Madden '07?"

Illinois 31 Wisconsin 26 I was totally right about Illinois upsetting a ranked team for the second week in a row. Also, I was totally right about the Fightin' Illini scoring 31 points and was less than a touchdown away from correctly guessing the points total. Clairvoyance, bitches! Rashard Mendenhall, of course, dominated UW's gooey and nougat filled rush defense-also, as I totally predicted. Lo, and what's this? A relic from Tony's first attempt at a blog:

The future for the Illini looks slightly brighter in (already) pro potential tailback Rashard Mendenhall, as a frosh he got very little attention or play time but he'll be blowing up against the NCS opponents and startling the bejesus out of unprepared/untested Big Ten linebacking corps. and D-lines. -I'm looking at you Ohio State & Penn State.
Think of Mendenhall as a larger and more aggresive Tyrell Sutton-for now-I'm hedging my bets with U of Illinois but Mendenhall looked good in the few seconds I saw him last year...

As for Wisconsin, it was a nice run while it lasted; and hey! Madison is still a much better college town than Urbana.

Ohio State 23 Purdue 7 As "totally right" as I was about the Illinois UW game. I was like, totally, totally wrong on the outcome of this. What was learned? Purdue's offense is a shill. Like "incredible land deals in Florida" that turn out to be primo real estate for egrets and alligators; Purdue's offense was hyped by slick con-men looking to make a fast buck/garner interest in Big Ten offense that is totally still "teh SUX." Meanwhile, tOSU's defense is still well-nigh invulnerable and have still only had one game where the opposition scored more than one touchdown. Most impressive, even upon considering whom they've played.

Indiana 40 Minnesota 20 Indiana only had to punt twice. James Hardy had 85 yards and one TD. I was totally right about this outcome and came within a touchdown of nailing the points total. Woot!

Northwestern 48 Michigan State 41 In a collision between Team Slumpbuster and Team Choke Artist, the Slumpbusters pulled it out in overtime. Northwestern's offense is slightly better than Michigan State's and both team's defenses are atrocious. Also, it seems as thought MSU doesn't need John L. Smith to choke away a lead or blow close games, who'd have thunk it?

Michigan 33 Eastern Michigan 22 Michigan enjoyed their bye week as they watched their non-starters and JV squad compete against Eastern Michigan's starters.

Paterno State 27 Iowa7 Don't let the score fool you. Morreli was still barely competent in throwing two picks to one touchdown and 233 yards. For PSU fans, at least Austin Scott was barred from entering the stadium.

Nittany Lions excel on the field and in the classroom.

The Cubs Still Suck!

2007-10-07T10:15:00.000-07:00

My sincerest regrets to friends Noelle, Paul & Paul, you guys are great fans of baseball and it's not really your fault that you're stuck cheering for the Cubs. That being said, I'm soooo happy that the Cubs have been swept out of the playoffs. In 2003 I was living with one of the most troglodytic and sloven individuals I've ever met, who also happened to be a Cubs fan, and as we all know the Cubs made it to the NLCS and we're, like, 5 outs from winning the Super Bowl of baseball or something. In any case, Lord Supreme Jackass roommate got really upset after the Cubs lost the Super Bowl to the Florida Marlins and threw the television set thru a brick wall and then ate one of our other roommates. Since moving to Chicago I've had no good interactions with Cubs fans. As near as I can tell they're all drunker than the Irish and don't even care about baseball, which, I'm fine with, I don't care about baseball either. The difference is that I don't also act like a douche bag [Ed Note: Careful, Tony Ritz, Caaareful.] and order "five more Coors for me and my rad bros!" Fuck the Cubs fans. That's what I'm saying.

"Scotch? Not tonight, Gunga Din. Please just pour me a glass of warm milk, I'm going to retire to my library for the evening and read about the Vandals and Visigoths."

Suddenlystruttin Salutes...

"Tell me where the Uncanny X-Men #24 is!"

Tom Katers, who spent the past 24 hours doing a podcast for his omniscient comic blog/podcast Around Comics. Sir, I salute you! You can go all "Jack Bauer" with a 24 hour span of time and save the world or you can go all "Tom" and talk about comics for 24 hours. Good work.

Jack Ass of The Week! Plus, Other Accolades

2007-10-05T08:25:00.000-07:00

LeBron James. Uhh, dude, are you sure it's smart to be the public face of your hometown basketball franchise and sport the competitor's hat? Even as a marginal baseball fan and native Ohioan I know enough to loathe the Yankees and (sorta) cheer for the Indians. Next time the Cavs come to Chicago I'm totally not hanging out with LeBron and when he txts me with like, "Broseph, where u @?" I'll be all like, "Pshh, whatev, me and my fly girls be all up in Le Passage and your skeez ass isn't even invited." Then I'll snap my fingers and get all sassy like Gina from Martin.

Honorable Mention

Coffee shops that charge for refills. I'm a huge cheapskate but always make a point of tipping coffee store folks at least 75 cents to a dollar. It's a crappy job and you've gotta deal with tool shed customers making innane chit-chat with you all day long. Do you know how annoying it is, upon tipping some coffee nerd, to have to pay 50 cents to 75 cents to get a refill? Well, it's kinda annoying and then I have all of this change in my pocket and it falls out when I'm doing acrobatic and death-defying maneuvers in my job as Liger tamer.

More Plaudits!

Travis Henry!

Sir, I salute you. First, earlier this past summer it was announced that you have sired nine children with different baby mommas, a feat alone that nominates you for Time's Man of The Year Award. And now, you're suing the NFL for trying to suspend your ~~stoned ass~~, wrongfully accused self for one year. Why? All because you smoked a little too much pot. I think I speak for everyone when I say, "The world would be a much better place with more Travis Henry's out there." Yes sir, more Travis Henry and Shawn Kemps, exactly what this world needs!

Mad Props to dogtown surfer for name dropping the suddenlystruttin on his blog. Thanks! We've got like ten extra readers over here all wondering why they bothered. Seriously, read dogtown's blog, it's extremely funny and smart-ish sounding.