Rummaging through the archives I realized it's been over a month since we last discussed college football and with Bowl Season about to kickoff, no pun intended, I thought we should breakdown some of the more, ahem, "important" (read, Big Ten or whatever games Tony Ritz wants to discuss) games.
In No Particular Order...
Alamo Bowl Paterno State versus Texas A&M San Antonio, Texas
The Alamo: The site of Joe Paterno's first loss as a coach, way back in 1836.
Texas A&M has been as up and down as Paterno State has been all season, along with having the added element of a defense that disappears for long stretches of games-see, @ Miami. Meanwhile, Paterno and Co. would love nothing more than to finally avenge Paterno's first ever loss as a college football coach when he led a ragtag bunch of scrappy ex-cons and junior college transfers against the Mexican National Team at the original Alamo Bowl. I've got it on good information that Paterno will be, "Buyin' out the bar and makin' it rain on all y'all ignant mofos!" upon a PSU victory. Paterno State 31, Texas AM 17
Motor City Bowl Purdue vs Central Michigan Detroit, Michigan
Detroit: So shitty it doesn't even get a photo, just blank space.
Purdue? Central Michigan? I don't care who wins, cause the real losers are the people who paid good money to go to Detroit for a football game.
Plenty more of this to come as we approach the Bowl Season*.
*Yes, I'm aware that "Bowl Games" start tomorrow, and even though I'll be watching them, these are middling games that I do not care for.
Mercifully the grizzled ol' dog that is the Big Ten Conference was put out of it's misery yesterday. Fortunately none of the "teams" shall be heard from until the glut of bowl games assaults us with contests bearing names such as Champs Sports Bowl and the CarQuest Bowl, unfortunately, my proposal for a Hooters Bowl was denied. One day... Moving on to the actual games, I correctly predicted the outcome of every Big Ten game this week, if not the scores.
Illinois 41, Team Slumpbuster 22 The Fightin' Native Americans dominated this game. Team Slumpbuster never had a chance.
Indiana 27, Purdue 24 Hoosier kicker Austin Starr iced the game with a 49 yd FG with 30 ticks left as Indiana beat their in-state rival and James Hardy finished the season with at least one touchdown in every game-except for the Wisco game.
Michigan State 35, Paterno State 31 MSU showed up in all of it's manic glory, allowing Penn State to race out to 17 point lead before clawing back into the game and finally taking the lead for good with four minutes left. After that it was merely waiting for Penn State's Morelli's ineptitude to take over. In any case, it was a rare reversal of fortunes for Michigan Stae to be on the other side of a second half comeback attempt. Regardless of what bowl Penn State ends up in, this season has to be categorized as a minor disappointment at best.
Wisconsin 41, Minnesota 34 Holy Christ was I nervous about UW's chances thru the first three quarters of this game. To have to have suffered the ignominy of knowing that the Badgers provided the Golden Gophers with their only conference win would've been too much. Lucky for me I was able to sheath the ceremonial hari-kari sword for another year...
Ohio State 14, Michigan 3 Lllllater Lllllloyd. Ugly game to watch and, surely, a painful game for the Great Lakes State to have watched. I feel minor twinges of saddness for Mike Hart at the thought of him never beating Ohio State, but those notions are quickly dashed when I envision the first phat NFL check he signs as a rookie next spring.
*Look for some Bowl Destination Predictions in the coming days.
For anyone looking for the exciting conclusion to the Starbury legacy, I've got some sad and mundane news. Yep, 180,000 dollar fine and he shows up ready to play. In any case the "exciting conclusion" involved Starbury trying to find the ghost of Meadowlark Lemon and him ripping on Zeke for listening to "The Big Chill" Soundtrack. Onward with the predictions, it's the final week of the Big Ten and there are lots of stupid trophies to play for.
Retarded Trophies
Purdue vs Indiana, 3:30 pm EST, Big Ten Network Boilermakers and Hoosiers play for a bucket. We're talking Corky level retarded, but that's what you have to get excited about when either one of these teams is only bowl eligible every 4 or 5 years. Purdue 28 Indiana 35
Paterno State vs Michigan State, 3:30 pm EST, ABC Theoretically this game could rank higher, but c'mon! neither of these teams are rivals and they play for a fuckin' bell dubbed the "Land Grant Trophy" for Christ's sake. This game routinely has the drama and pageantry of a high school homecoming game. I can't even really blame Penn State, they came into the Big Ten in the early 90s and were looking for some games that could be scheduled every season, so, the Big Ten schedule makers say, "Hey, your university is a land grant established school, how about we team you up with Ohio State and Michigan State every year?" Paterno says sure, end of story. The real reason this game doesn't rank as high is because of the continual crappiness of MSU and how by mid October every season they've folded like a card table. That being said, I'm picking MSU to upset Penn State. MSU 28 PSU 17
Team Slumpbuster vs Illinois, 12:00 EST, ESPN Playing for a peace pipe, really? Wait, let me guess, the redskinned savage "culturally insensitive" mascot for Illinois brought it, right? For shame Northwestern, I would've hoped your haugty ways, high academic standards and complete lack of competitive athletic drive would've prevented you from dallying with such demeaning bric-a-brac and with a public institution no less! Illinois 38 Northwestern 24
"Me? 'Smoke'em peace pipe, I think rather not, Chief Runs-With-Coeds. Nay, this fine Cuban and a glass of port shall suffice."
Modestly non-Retarded Trophies
Wisconsin vs Michigan, 3:30 pm, EST, Big Ten Network Easily the most awesome trophy in the Big Ten, a five foot tall axe once owned by Paul Bunyan himself. The mythos and cultural connotations alone are all that this trophy needs to make it the most relevant. The Badgers and Gophers have faced off 117 times and very rarely has the game meant anything more than state bragging rights, still, the trophy is badass. Wisconsin 24 Minnesota 10
"I will slaughter you with my huge axe.
Big Ten Title bout
Ohio State vs Michigan, 12:00 EST, ABC Lloyd Carr's final season, Michael Hart, Chad Henne and Jake Long's final home game, I really don't see how UM loses this. Wait, yes I do! Henne's arm is attached with some vermicelli pasta and duct tape and Hart's -- as usual, dinged up. As much as I've discussed Michigan winning the Big Ten and how disgracefully fitting that would be for this vastly underwhelming conference with the injuries I can't see Michigan winning. If Hart and Henne are on the field it will be a different story. OSU 20 Michigan 17
Ohio State lost, Michigan lost and Team Slumpbuster beat Indiana. Signs of the Appocalypse? Hardly, no, these results are merely more indicators of the absolute shittiness of the Big Ten this year. Onwards. To the Reviews!
Illinois 28 Ohio State 21 Much like the bullet-proof flak jackets, SWAT members wear to keep those bullets on the outside, can be penetrated with the blade of a knife Ohio State's "bullet-proof" defense weaved out of spare limbs, steroids and Kevlar finally met their match. The knife in this case was Illinois' mobile, "athletic" Juice Williams who tortured the Buckeyes' linebackers and secondary all day. A combo of keepers and juuuust enough passes with juuust enough accuracy to slice thru the layers of scarlet and gray Kevlar of OSU and suddenly the Buckeyes were on the ground bleeding and radioing back to HQ, "Demanding back-up, Officer down! Officer down!" Meanwhile, Todd Boeckman showed his worst side at the worst possible moment throwing 3 picks to no TDs and, indeed, eating a huge dick/laying a gigantic egg/choking when he should've been ice cold. Beanie Wells did what he could against a stout and resilient Illini defense, however, Beanie was only one man in a frontier land fraught with upset and situations tOSU had been unfamiliar with all year.
Wisconsin 37 Michigan 21 Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle! I did not foresee this at all, and when I checked in on the score midway thru the second quarter at an Irish pub in New York City, I was shocked. I didn't get to see most of this game but judging from the box score UW's patented-if not erratic- "Strangulator" defense showed up as opposed to the cartoon pirate-badger defense that they've favored for most of the season. Wisconsin was also the beneficiary of having Michigan's backup QB and backup running back in for the majority of the game, once again proving the axiom, "Tis better to be fortunate than wise." In any case, UW has now won two out of the past three games against the Wolverines, which may be a sign that the worm is slowly, oh, so slowly turning in UW's favor in this most lopsided of series'.
Paterno State 31 Temple 0 What do you know, I totally called the points total for PSU, sadly, PSU's defense performed far too admirably and pitched the shut-out. Unbelievably, PSU held Temple to only 4!!! yards of rushing offense which is downright amazing. Yes, I am considering how shitty Temple is: 4 yards is still 4!! yards.
Team Slumpbuster 31 Indiana 28 Indiana displayed in all of it's glory their typical and controversial French military-themed defensive scheme of "letting the other team's players run into the end zone." Based off the Maginot Line and the hope that Kellen Lewis and James Hardy will score enough points, the Hoosiers defense could not slow down Team Slumpbuster and ended up losing. C'est la vie!
The Maginot Line: Not just for the French!
Minnesota, Iowa, Michigan State and Purdue all competed as well, but, frankly, I could give two shits about any of those games...
Extremely brief rundown on Big Ten games this weekend, posting will be pretty light until Monday thanks to "real life stuff." Big Ten sked. is worse than usual with the marquee game being played up in Madison where the Wolverines will pit themselves against the Badgers.
Indiana vs Team Slumpbuster IU locked up their six wins last week against Ball State and are now bowl eligible for the first time in over a decade. Hardy, Lewis and Starr will improve IU's bowl standing by outscoring Team Slumpbuster's not entirely inept offense. Startlingly, Indiana could have an eight win season if they win out. And somewhere Terry Hoeppener is smiling down on the Hoosier State. Indiana 35 Team Slumpbuster 24
Paterno State vs Temple Temple meet Woodshed. Paterno State 31 Temple 10
Michigan vs Wisconsin PJ Hill is still a gametime decision, but fortunately, the game is within the boundaries of Wisconsin so everyone's favorite player under house arrest, "Home Jersey" will be able to go for UW. It won't matter in any case, as Michigan has a permanent lease in Camp Ranadall with an option to buy, that is to say Michigan owns Wisconsin. Michigan 28 Wisconsin 14
And that's all I've got time for. Have a great weekend!
In between forties being drank in Columbus I did have the opportunity to witness some real, live, college football on one of them magic "picture" boxes. With my own eyes I witnessed Michigan State blow another fourth quarter lead...Team ChokeArtist? Onward with the weekend reviews!
Iowa 28 Team Slumpbuster 17 Well, Team Slumpbuster lived up to their name and protected their rep for another week. Meanwhile, the Hawkeyes have strung together a two game win streak and have won three of four, all with an offense that still struggles to get across the opponents 50. Fortunately, NW threw three ints to make things nice and simple for Iowa's offense.
Indiana 38 Ball State 20 James Hardy, Kellen Lewis, Austin Starr: Ballin', straight ballin.
Paterno State 26 Purdue 19 Did not catch any of this game, but the score probably shouldn't have been this close. Still Paterno State did keep Purdue's offense out of the end zone.
Michigan 28 Michigan State 24 Michigan's pre-ordained Big Ten Title is still intact thanks to yet, another, collapse of Titanic proportions on Michigan State's part. Holy Shit! That's three blown fourth quarter leads for MSU this season! I mean, we've seen this before and even before that: here. But, WOW! This is getting embarassingly inadequate.
As inexorably as the fall season shifts into winter, so goes the Big Ten conference and the collisions of her teams each weekend on the football field, winners and losers emerge and time marches forward. And just as the fall in it's inevitable march towards winter has it's arboreal display of fireworks, so to does the Big Ten offer its own display of gridiron explosives. This weekend we are treated to one such display as Tony Ritz's proud and flagging? alma mater does battle with Ohio State. Suddenlystruttin will be in attendance for that game and we're quite pumped to be headed for Columbus which has a gameday atmosphere most reminiscent of a carnival taking place in a demilitarized zone. "Drink this Coors Light and 'Tussin mixer and get ready for Ohio Fucking State Football!"
non-Big Ten Game of Note
Arizona State vs Oregon 6:40 pm, EST, ESPN: A rare nationally televised game for the strange West Coast product known as Pac 10 football. Arizona State and Oregon are decidedly "jacked" this season and I'm already drooling at the prospect of witnessing this game from the relative safety of a bar/bunker in the Hell on Earth that is Columbus after a game. The combined offensive production for these two squads whence pitted against one another should approach 1,000 yards if not surpass that number. I'm taking Oregon, what with the game being in Eugene. Oregon 45 Arizona State 42
Big Ten Games
Purdue vs Paterno State noon, EST, ESPN: Paterno State must rebound after being burned like a pile of brush in southern California by Ohio State last week. The Nittany Lions defense sohuld smother Purdue's offense along the line of scrimmage thanks to the strength of the defensive line. Purdue should do all they can to get the ball to Dorien Bryant on offense and on defense they should just let PSU qb Anthony Morelli do his thing, and by "thing" I mean screw up royally. Paterno State 23 Purdue 17
Iowa vs Team Slumpbuster, noon, EST, ESPN2 The Hawkeyes are coming off a hard fought and statistically misleading overtime victory over Michigan State last week and are completely due for a letdown. That being said, Team Slumpbuster is stil Team Slumpbuster, however, I'm going with Northwestern's "eh" offense against Iowa's not-so-impervious defense. Team Slumpbuster 24 Iowa 13
Ball State vs Indiana, noon, EST, Big Ten Network As gamely as Ball State played last week against Illinois, I've got a hunch that Indiana will roll over the Cardinals. James Hardy and Kellen Lewis should get back on the same page this week and Hardy is due for a big game against a mediocre pass defense after being shut out of the end zone for the first time all season last week. Indiana 35 Ball State 21
Wisconsin vs Ohio State noon, EST, Big Ten Network: Inexplicably this game is being broadcast on the small-market Big Ten Network, "the home of mediocre announcing since 2007!" I cannot begin to fathom how pissed off I would be if I awoke on Saturday morning fully expecting to watch this game on ABC or ESPN only to discover that the game is on a channel my cable provider does not carry. Thankfully, that scenario only exists in my mind and I, of course, will be risking life and limb in the hornets nest that is Columbus, Ohio. The over/under on my survival will fluctuate drastically with the decision of me to sport my Wisconsin tee on the streets or only inside the still-unsafe but marginally more patrolled confines of the Horseshoe. The over/under and outcome of the actal game, sadly, is not nearly as variable and I fully expect Ohio State to suffocate the life out of Wisconsin's talentless offense. The only way the Badgers keep it close is if their defense embodies that of the tent raiding Badger of last year instead of the cartoon Pirate Badger that's been on the field the majority of this season. Ohio State 31 Wisconsin 10
Michigan vs Michigan State, 3:30 EST, ABC: Michigan should have no trouble with Michigan State. Henne should find Mario Manningham and the rest of the receiving corps wide open all game long, which should set up Mike Hart perfectly for the play-action runs that UM can run so well. Javon Ringer will be MSU's only hope and if he can squeak past the Wolverines rejuvenated and still massive defensive line, he could do some damage... Michigan 27 Michigan State 14
Illinois vs Minnesota, 8:00 pm, Big Ten Network: Rashard Mendenhall and Juice Williams all day. Minnesota does not have a prayer. Illinois 42 Minnesota 20
Happy Monday! If the reality of another work week starting wasn't enough to bring you down, then reading this review of the weekend that was in Big Ten Country should do the trick. I'm still hungover from going to two too many Halloween parties, I was Julius Caesar and like any good Roman Emperor for Life I had to revel with the fervor of Bacchus.
My life! Stricken down by my oldest friend, alas, "Et tu, High Life?"
In any case, on with the review of football...
Wisconsin 33 Indiana 3 "Uh, hi, Wisconsin, thanks for joining the rest of us." UW's defense after taking most of this season off from the whole concept of "effort," has shown up the past two weeks. It's one thing to mercilessly pound the snot out of MAC also ran, Northern Illinois, but the Badgers suffocated an Indiana team that had hitherto been rather good at offense. James Hardy was shut out from the endzone for the first time all year! against UW's secondary which is a head scratcher. Pajamas Hill went out with an injury and his backup, affectionately, known as "Home Jersey," thanks to his house arrest won't be playing in Columbus. Does not bode well for Bucky and crew. More on that later this week.
Illinois 28 Ball State 17 Congrats to the Zookster and his Fightin' Illini, Illinois is now heading for a bowl game for the first time since 2001 and only their third bowl game in the past 13 seasons. Ball State sorta didn't suck in this game and kept it pretty close for a lot longer than I'm sure the Illini Nation would've liked.
Iowa 34 Michigan State 27 Still not certain how Iowa managed to wrack up double digit points total, let alone a tally that got out of the low teens. But, uhh, hmm, well, Michigan State should really work on their defense. That's what I think, seriously, how do you give up 34 to Iowa? We are talking about the 2007 Iowa offense, the offense that's currently the fifth worst offense in the country, right? Good, cause for a minute I thought I was in some Bizzaro universe where Iowa was good at scoring points.
Purdue 35 Team Slumpbuster 17 This game was really entertaining for a half and then Purdue's offense went into overdrive as it is wont to do against inferior opponents. Credit's due for Northwest...err, Team Slumpbuster for scheming up an awesome hook and ladder play that they tied the game with in the second quarter. Good work! Please, if you need gimmick plays to score points, do so!
Michigan 34 Minnesota 10 Michigan stomped the life out of a pathetic Minnesota team, blah blah blah blah... I tell ya, this Michigan crushing everybody in the Big Ten is getting quite rote and it's not boding well for the conference if the Wolverines DO in fact win the Big Ten.
Ohio State 37 Paterno State 17 Well, that wasn't very close was it? Ohio State steamrolled another opponent in what should've been a challenging environment. I still don't think OSU is that good, but until someone shows up and can actually challenge them they'll keep getting their D's essed by the media, looking at tOSU's schedule the only team I can forsee slowing them down is Michigan. As for Penn State, fuck you! This team has been terrible all year long with their only "marquee" wins being over a toothless and witless Notre Dame squad and a Wisconsin team that's more up and down than Robert Downey Jr. on a bender. Somewhere in Happy Valley the Nittany Lion's cold and dead black eyes are crying and there's nothing that can be done.
Sorry about the lack of postings this week, real life was calling non-stop all week and I wasn't even in Chicago, nope, I was in Ohio with a painfully slow wifi signal to deal with. Next week should be a return to normal with plenty of "hilarious" stories and irreverent sports writing. If you haven't already, please, take a look at my team preview on hoopsblogging .
Well, Halloweekend is upon us all once again, and with that comes the inevitable slutty outfits of normally modest, church going young women ...cough...yeah, right...cough...
"I feel like eating in tonight."
More importantly? well, pertaining to college football at least, Halloweekend typically affords the cream to rise, and even in this season's, generously described, "down" Big Ten Conference there are a number of important games.
Indiana vs. Wisconsin, noon EST, Big Ten Network. Kellen Lewis and James Hardy should thrash UW's beleaguered secondary. The real question will be, whether or not IU's defense can slow down PJ Hill. I doubt it. Wisconsin with the win holds out slim hope for a New Year's Day bowl invite and the Hoosiers need to wait another week for a crack at six wins and bowl eligibility. Indiana 17 Wisconsin 27
Michigan State vs. Iowa, noon, ESPN2 The Hawkeyes have been showing some vague signs of life the past few weeks and their defense has been "goodish" all year long. MSU's offense is most impressive and viewers have got a good chance at witnessing Javon Ringer pop off another 100 yard day. Iowa's offense will be forced to keep up with Michigan State, not a good proposition. Michigan St. 31 Iowa 21
Minnesota vs Michigan, 3:30 ESPN Classic, really? Two years ago Minnesota, incredibly, beat Michigan at the Big House in Ann Arbor. Suffice it to say, that's an impossibility this time around. Upon saying that I fully expect karma to kick my idiot ass and have the Gophers "shock" the Wolverines. Minnesota 13 Michigan 27
Ohio State vs. Penn State, 8:00, ABC Morelli sucks too much and the Buckeyes' defense is well-nigh impregnable. Two years ago in a slightly different scenario (Michael Robinson in lieu of Anthony Morelli) the Nittany Lions defensive line wreaked havoc in OSU's backfield all night. Not happening this time, sorry Rudy. Ohio State 31 Penn State 13
The Big Ten schedule, in spite of itself, only quasi-sucks this weekend. At first glance, it may seem like, "Huh! Another full load of pachyderm-quality crap games." But if you look closer at that heaping stack of elephant dung, there are in fact some fascinating things occurring. Much like the African dung beetle, for instance, Penn State @ Indiana offers a glimpse at the Herculean tasks that everyone, be they beetle or Hoosier, must face everyday. In honor of this momentous non-step backwards for the conference, I offer drink suggestions and factual analysis/predictions.
Northwestern @ Eastern Michigan, 7:00 pm, EST. ESPN U Shouldn't you be out to dinner with friends, or out at a bar for Happy Hour, hitting on your choicest of co-workers? If you happen to be out at a bar and glance at the score of this game, that's understandable. Otherwise, do yourself a favor and avoid this game. Regarding the game itself; hey, sometimes a pony gets depressed and sometimes Team Slumpbuster needs to bust their own slump.
Prediction: Team Slumpbuster 34 Eastern Michigan 21
Suggested Drinks: As already mentioned you should be at a bar. Do what you normally do on a Friday night and drink until you've got enough confidence loss of inhibitions to talk to a person of the opposite sex.
Paterno State vs Indiana, 12:00 pm, EST, ESPN Indiana's offensive juggernaut versus Paterno State's defensive goliath. James Hardy and Kellen Lewis should still get theirs but I expect PSU's defensive line is going to be waaaaay too much for Indiana. Unless Morelli finds a way to, well, "Morelli" things up for the Nittany Lions, PSU should roll.
Prediction: PSU 27 Indiana 14
Suggested Drinks: This game is starting at 11 am out here in CST, so, I'll be, most likely, asleep. Let prudence be your guide.
North Dakota State vs Minnesota, 12:00 pm, Big Ten Network Woe to the Golden Gophers of Minnesota. They head into this weekend's tilt with the Bisons of NDSU as a 1-6 team that has been hemorrhaging points all season long, and sadly that trend will not stop on Saturday. The Bison should roll against Minnesota, in spite of their "cupcake" label. Of course, the BTN has this game picked up in the hope of capturing that vaunted Fargo-audience. Smart choice!
Prediction NDSU 35 Minnesota 20
Suggested Drinks: Minnesota fan: Arsenic on the rocks. NDSU fan: Moet, lots of Moet. Casual fan: Why bother?
Northern Illinois vs Wisconsin, 12:00 pm, EST, Big Ten Network Dollars to doughnuts says nobody knows who the Hell Justin Anderson is. Justin Anderson is the nation's sixth leading rusher and he happens to play for Northern Illinois. Wisconsin, happens to be the NIU Huskies opponent this weekend. UW, also happens to be surrendering 162 yards of rushing per game and for three straight weeks have allowed a 100 yard rusher. I'm not saying UW, with a very vulnerable defense and a completely incompetent offense will lose; but, I am saying UW will have a very difficult time. And that Justin Anderson will make it extremely nerve-wracking for the Badger faithful in attendance at Camp Randall.
Prediction: No. Illinois 17 UW 23
Suggested Drinks Whiskey and Coke, plenty of them. Whiskey to desensitize and Coke for caffeine's rejuvenating qualities.
Iowa vs Purdue, 12:00 pm, EST, ESPN 2 Upon being destroyed by the menacing defenses of Ohio State and Michigan in consecutive weeks The Boilermakers- point a minute offense of earlier this season, is nothing but a faint memory. Purdue now returns home from Ann Arbor to face an increasingly competent appearing Iowa squad, that has another stout defense. Curtis Painter will be spending some QT with his chiropractor after this game, unless, of course! Joe Tiller has somehow smuggled in the o-line of the New England Patriots. Iowa's offense, well, they might score a touchdown. I mean, they are averaging 16.3 points a game, they have to get at least one TD and that should be enough.
Prediction: Iowa 13 Purdue 10
Suggested Drinks: Follow Sea Bass' lead:
"Make it four Boilermakers."
Michigan State vs Ohio State With this game the "#1" team in the country, the Buckeyes, begins in earnest it's quest to get back to the national title game. They've faced no offense as talented nor as deep as MSU's and the only one that comes remotely close, Purdue, was shut out for 59:10 of the game. Team Choke Artist needs to approach this game, and think, "Let's keep it close." Although, Javon Ringer should pop off a few nice runs. Of course, the last time Team Choke Artist showed up in Columbus, it was the beginning of the end for John L. Smith and the beginning of the Buckeyes run at domination. Honestly, tOSU could very well be looking forward to their game @ Penn State next week. Time will tell.
Different Coach, Same Team
Prediction: John L. Smith Memorial Team 21 Ohio State 34
Suggested Drink: Coors Light and 'Tussin Mixer. Only one drink can match the mayhem, nerves and fear that is Columbus on gameday. Tip your pharmacist upon buying the Robitussin, they'll get it.
Michigan vs Illinois As it is Lloyd versus the Zookster is a fairly comical coaching match up and of course, the powers that be would never allow Zook and Carr to star in their own sit com. [Ed's Note: Damn the man, sir!] But, oh, the mischief and capers those scamps would get into!
Scene: Lloyd: "Now Ron, you remember that I've invited Michigan bursars over for dinner. Did you pick up that pork roast like I asked you to?"
Ron: "Oh Lloyd! I completely forgot, and besides, tonight's the night I've got tickets for Aerosmith."
Lloyd: "ZOOOKSTER! I've had it to up here with your hijinks!"
Ron: "Aww, take a chill pill, what are you on the rag? I hope the Zookster's sizzlin' hot date sure ain't havin' a visit from the old Aunty Flo. Y'know what I mean, highfive!"
Lloyd: "ZOOOOKSTER!"
Where was I? Oh yeah, yeah, the game: Illinois meet Reality. Reality meet Illinois. Michigan will run all over the Fightin' Illini. Mike Hart, who should be a legitimate Heisman candidate with his stats will punish Illinois' entire defensive front seven.
Prediction:Michigan 35 Illinois 17
Drink Suggestion: Lloyd's of the world will prefer: a strong Tanqueray and Tonic. Zookster's of the world will crave: Killian's Red.
Another weekend of Big Ten football games washed away like so many sand castles along the shores of Lake Michigan; and with the midway point of the season upon us, I felt it was an opportune time to discuss and reflect upon the hopes that teams may have had and the realities they are now forced to live with. Onward!
Wisconsin, 5-2 Preseason Hope:
A run at the National Championship game and at worst a "mere" appearance in the Rose Bowl as the Big Ten representative. Wisconsin would live up to its mascot's reputation as a cunning, aggressive and opportunistic omnivore. They would raid the tents of their Big Ten opposition and , indeed, be "scoffin ur foods" and at the same time crushing their opponent's will to live.
Midseason Reality
A mere two weeks ago UW was still undefeated, undeniably a shaky undefeated, but still undefeated. After two straight losses to Illinois and Paterno State and with tilts against Michigan and Ohio State still to come the Badgers need to re-evaluate their space in existence. Instead of manifesting the irascible nature of their mascot's temperament, UW has instead, focused on the cuddly and non-threatening images that are connoted upon merely glancing at the cartoon pirate badger that MS Paint hath wrought.
Prediction "Avast! Set sail for adventure on the placid and middling seas of Tampa for a date in the Outback Bowl. Yarr, and save me a Bloomin' Onion"
Illinois
Preseason Hopes none.
Midseason Reality Bound for a bowl game for the first time in half a decade. They still have to face Michigan and Ohio State, so, think more-Music City than Capital One.
Prediction Zook Fever! Catch It. I'm assuming that Zook is going to be teaming up with Dane Cook for some hott recruiting videos to capture more Rashard Mendenhalls and Juice Williams. Not sure if Illinios' immediate future is quite at Timbuk 3 levels yet, but it's looking better and better.
Ohio State
Preseason Hope Big Ten title, Rose Bowl berth, Silencin' the haters after their abysmal showing against Florida last January.
Midseason Reality Shockingly, Ohio State is number one in the first BCS rankings and haven't played a single quality opponent. Big Ten title and National Title berth are completely within Tressel's grasp. Will have to beat Penn State, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan and of those four only the Wolverines are sizing up as a "threat."
"I ain't a mad rapper, I'm just an emcee wit' a temper."
Prediction Inevitably, tOSU will lose at least one game and probably go to the Rose Bowl as the Big Ten Champ. Could slip to a BCS at-large team, but I don't really see them not going to the Rose, unless disaster strikes.
Another weekend come and gone and a few more frauds to the Big Ten crown have been revealed: Good-bye Purdue and Wisconsin. Ohio State, Illinois and Michigan, you're all still eligible to win the Big Ten! Granted, that's not as big of a deal as it sometimes is; it's more like winning the special Olympics this year, so even if you win, maybe keep it on the "DL."
"Man, I'm sooo high. What? We lost the game? We were playing in a game? You mean besides Madden '07?"
Illinois 31 Wisconsin 26 I was totally right about Illinois upsetting a ranked team for the second week in a row. Also, I was totally right about the Fightin' Illini scoring 31 points and was less than a touchdown away from correctly guessing the points total. Clairvoyance, bitches! Rashard Mendenhall, of course, dominated UW's gooey and nougat filled rush defense-also, as I totally predicted. Lo, and what's this? A relic from Tony's first attempt at a blog:
As for Wisconsin, it was a nice run while it lasted; and hey! Madison is still a much better college town than Urbana.
Ohio State 23 Purdue 7 As "totally right" as I was about the Illinois UW game. I was like, totally, totally wrong on the outcome of this. What was learned? Purdue's offense is a shill. Like "incredible land deals in Florida" that turn out to be primo real estate for egrets and alligators; Purdue's offense was hyped by slick con-men looking to make a fast buck/garner interest in Big Ten offense that is totally still "teh SUX." Meanwhile, tOSU's defense is still well-nigh invulnerable and have still only had one game where the opposition scored more than one touchdown. Most impressive, even upon considering whom they've played.
Indiana 40 Minnesota 20 Indiana only had to punt twice. James Hardy had 85 yards and one TD. I was totally right about this outcome and came within a touchdown of nailing the points total. Woot!
Northwestern 48 Michigan State 41 In a collision between Team Slumpbuster and Team Choke Artist, the Slumpbusters pulled it out in overtime. Northwestern's offense is slightly better than Michigan State's and both team's defenses are atrocious. Also, it seems as thought MSU doesn't need John L. Smith to choke away a lead or blow close games, who'd have thunk it?
Michigan 33 Eastern Michigan 22 Michigan enjoyed their bye week as they watched their non-starters and JV squad compete against Eastern Michigan's starters.
Paterno State 27 Iowa7 Don't let the score fool you. Morreli was still barely competent in throwing two picks to one touchdown and 233 yards. For PSU fans, at least Austin Scott was barred from entering the stadium.
Nittany Lions excel on the field and in the classroom.
After the drudgery that was the slate of Big Ten games last weekend, this weekend's slate of games rewards us, the loyal viewers, with ...audible groan... more drudgery.
Eastern Michigan vs. Michigan Typically the flagship state institution never has any problems or issues when taking care of business with their smaller, directional-state university counter-parts. It's a dirty business: few questions are asked, the smaller schoool assumes the position and money is exchanged. Considering the Wolverines "struggles" earlier in the year, I imagine they'll be even more annoyed and prepared for this game than typical. It will be painful, messy and awful for Eastern Michigan and all they should do is think about the big pile of money they're getting paid. Michigan 41 Eastern Michigan 10
Northwestern vs. Michigan State The Spartans are coming off a sloppy loss in Madison, fortunately, Team Slumpbuster is rolling into town and just in time! Northwestern should really focus on keeping this one close, say, under three touchdowns. MSU 38 NU 14
Minnesota vs. Indiana Monsieurs Hardy and Lewis will continue to exploit undersized, slow secondaries this weekend as the charitably-described "rebuilding" Golden Gophers sidle into Bloomington. Hardy, who already has seven touchdowns, will be looking to add to his personal NFL scouts highlight video. Neither of these teams really believe in the concept of "defense", so it should be relatively high scoring and "funnish" to watch. Hoosiers 35 Minnesota 21
Wisconsin vs. Illinois I've been cringing at the prospect of this game since I saw the schedule, thinking to myself, "There's a loss for UW." Yes, after Paterno was "Zooked" last weekend, the Badgers are going to be the next victim for the coaching "genius" that is Ron Zook. Zook, who has the good-fortune of having the best running back that nobody's heard of, Rashard Mendenhall, will be riding Mendenhall and spread option QB extraordinaire, Juice Williams, to another victory against a ranked opponent. Ugh. Wisconsin 20 Illinois 31
Iowa vs. Paterno State Both Iowa and Paterno State come into this game coming off losses in consecutive weeks and neither really should relish at the prospect of 0-3 in conference and, "Hello, SunBowl!" Fittingly for this game both teams feature stout defenses and offenses that couldn't find their ass with a flashlight and a map. Will Anthony Morelli discover a new way to screw things up ? I doubt it. Iowa 10 Paterno State 21
"Yeah, that Morelli kid, I tell ya, He's the screen door in my submarine."
#4 Ohio State vs. #23 Purdue Every three or four years, Purdue's offense seems to be set to "retard-strength" levels similar to Bo Jackson's capabilites in Tecmo Bowl, but with passing as opposed to running. Well, this is another one of those years as the Boilermakers have yet to score fewer than 40 points in a game. Ohio State on the other hand has yet to give up more than two touchdowns in a game. Irrestible force. Meet. Immovable object. If this game were in Columbus there would be no doubt that tOSU would "Tresselball" their way to a victory. However, it's in West Lafayette, it's a night game and Ohio State always struggles at night and away from the 'Shoe. Purdue 28 Ohio State 23
Inevitable Notre Dame Watch
Notre Dame has opened up it's season with five straight losses a first in the history of the program. How many games can the Fightin' Irish lose in a row? At least one more because this weekend ND is at UCLA. The Bruins shall continue the miseries of the South Bend faithful.
Posting very late this "morning," "Hello, noon!" But, that's just what happens when you spend your Sunday helping a friend move, trying to finish an article (didn't happen) and sneaking in a bbq/game of "Celebrities." For the minority of suddenlystruttin readership that actually cares about college football, I suggest reading Orson Swindle's take on this madcap weekend that was. To recap the Big Ten weekend stay tuned right here, because here's the the Big Ten recap:
Michigan 28 Northwestern 16 Michigan is still very much alive for a BCS berth and a Big Ten crown, which begs the question, "Does a team that lost to a D-1AA team deserve a BCS berth?" But that's neither here nor there, for now. Northwestern, meanwhile, after a few modest seasons of success earlier in the decade seems to be reacquainting itself with it's favored status as "slumpbuster" to the rest of college football. Heck, even, resident-ACC slumpbuster, Duke, got in on the hot Northwestern action earlier this year. Fret not NW fans you've still got academics and haughtiness to hold over the rest of us, lesser, Big Ten creatures.
Paterno State 20 Illinois 27 Mad props to myself for correctly predicting both the winning team and winning margin of victory in this one, woot! I was playfully chided, via text message, from a PSU backing friend of mine on Saturday morning with something along the lines of:
I can't believer u r picking Ron Zook & a QB named Juice to win!
Hours later and from the same PSU fan:
Shit fuck cock
Awwww, the powers of Anthony Morreli really must do wonders to PSU fans blood pressure levels.
Indiana 38 Iowa 20 Mad props to myself, again, for correctly predicting that Monsieurs Hardy and Lewis of Indiana's offense would burn up the air space directly above Kinnick Stadium in Iowa City as the Hoosies dropped 38! on a heretofore impressive Hawkeye defense. The Hawkeye offense, well, it still needs "a little bit of tweaking."
Ohio State 30 Minnesota 7 The Buckeye's defense is beginning to resemble more and more the constrictor-esque, life strangling capabilities of 2005 and 2002 editions of tOSU defensive squads. Tressel's boys are yielding the third fewest points per game and second fewest yards per game, in the nation. Minnesota, predictably, continues to go through a ton of growing pains in year one of their regime change from Mason to their current spread-happy coach.
Wisconsin 37 Michigan State 34 Thanks to some foolish and fortuitous Spartan penalties, the Badgers maintained the nation's longest winning streak. But, of their past six victories only one has been marginally inspiring and/or borderline dominant. Other than that, UW's wins have all been of the ugly and or lucky variety and sooner or later this is going to bite them in the ass. Right now, Wisconsin is the shakiest top ten team in all the land. As for Michigan State, well, they've got the Northwestern Slumpbusters this weekend, so, they're gonna be just fine.
The Big Ten Conference coughed to life last weekend in what I'll generously dub, "Slow Starts: A primer for offensive coordinators in the Big Ten." This weekend it doesn't get any better as there are a ton of should-be blowouts on tap for the Big Ten, also, the other conferences have a full sleight of crap-tacular games as well. Moving on...
Games That Should be Fun for Everybody:
#5 West Virginia vs. #18 South Florida Let's see West Virginny is the "rootinest, tootinest, most rushinest" team west of Annapolis. They have a veritable Hydra in their backfield with Slaton, White and Devine all being completely capable of slashing through your precious defense with the precision of a samurai's katana. Meanwhile, the South Florida Bulls roll in as everyone's upstart media darling. Actually, and as cute as a Bull calf must be, USF has got some teeth and claws, last year, like, totally upsetting, like, West Virginia's plans for a BCS Bowl. I really don't know much more about these two teams, but that won't stop me from making a prediction: USF 31 WVU 34.
#6 California vs. #11 Oregon Unless you live on the West Coast you won't be catching this game. Granted with Bears and Ducks fans occupying the same space in the Pacific Northwest, the contact high should at least reach Lincoln, so you could catch that. On paper, at least, this is the most competitive game of the week. C'est la vie. Watch what your Televised Sports Overlords tell you to watch and thank them for it. "Thank You, ESPN/ABC." I like California. Hmmm, let's say Cal 38 Oregon 28. Sounds good, to me.
Big Ten Games
Michigan vs. Northwestern The Wolverines are still hungry after awakening from their hibernation later than all the other teams and will feast upon the Big Ten's soft, fleshy, white underbelly, known as Northwestern. Mike Hart will have over 200 yards of rushing, if he's left in for the duration of the game. Michigan 27 Northwestern 10.
Indiana vs. Iowa Let's see, Iowa lost their tight end and wide receiver last week and are coming off a hard fought, yet, still uninspiring, loss to the Badgers of UW. And Indiana's got a soft, as cotton candy rush defense. Still they have Kellen Lewis and James Hardy to make up for their defense's shortcomings. Indiana wins a shootout. Hoosiers 42 Hawkeyes 38.
Paterno State vs. Illinois Morreli's going to screw this one up, I just know it! Sorry, Rudy, but I'm picking against the Lions. Illinois 20 Penn St. 13
Penn State's mascot stripping: More or less humiliating than losing to Illinois? Find out on Saturday!
Notre Dame @ Purdue I'm feeling a little loopy and stupid right now, so, against all intuitions and facts of football science: I'm picking Notre Dame to beat Purdue. Please, don't ask me for a score, this prediction is troubling enough.
Michigan State vs. Wisconsin Well, Wisconsin still hasn't show itself to be anything more than a bi-polar, loose cannon of offensive ineptitude. BUT, they still have an awesome defense and Pajamas Hill, I'm crossing myself and hoping that is enough to beat Michigan State. If it's not, well, I'll be hanging out with this guy a lot on Saturday night...
It's Monday again and after the ashes of another Saturday have been swept into the dustbin of time, we've learned a few more things about our bygone, beloved and baffling Big Ten Conference... (Segue: Riveting musicsal overture, awesome special effects!!!)
Winners, Literally!: Michigan Upon Penn State's senior qb/whipping boy, Anthony Morreli's fumble with about ten minutes left in the first quarter and the immediate and ensuing Wolverine touchdown, was this game really in question? Before the game there was a ton of talk about this being the year for PSU to finally beat Michigan. What seemed to be largely forgottenn or selectively ignored by the pundits was the inability of Morreli to perform in big games. Annnnd the PSU's lack of creative or intelligent play-calling to come up with offensive schemes that could take advantage of UM's lagging speed on defense and refusal to contain mobile quarterbacks, granted, Morreli is as mobile as a glacier, but still!
And if we're talking about a program's staunch and obtuse dedication to offensive sets that were "groundbreaking" in those halcyon days of the 1960s, Lloyd's boys are right there with Paterno's crew. This whole game was some serious boredom-induction maelstrom that no viewer in the Midwest could pull away from upon watching the first half. I wanted to stop but I couldn't...I blame my parents for being tOSU fans from the Woody Hayes-era and their continual brainwashing of my brain and allegiances with "smashmouth"-read, boring-ass,- football.
Illinois I was totally right about Juice Williams and Rashard Mendenhall going buck wild against Indiana's controversial "invisible" defense. Sadly, Monsieurs Hardy and Lewis could not keep up their end of my bargain by not scoring against Illinois' equally invisible, but, sligtly more plucky defense. Illinois will be going to a bowl game, based off my baseless prediction from Thursday...
Ohio State Jimmy Tressel took Northwestern behind the woodshed yet again, in his continuing and presumed career long ploy for vengeance following his sole loss to Northwestern. As I understand these matters, the sowing of Evanston's soil with salt shall commence next season. The Buckeyes posted 58 points on 396 total yards which is startlingly efficient, granted, it would mean sooooooo much more against an opponent who had not lost to Duke the previous week.
Wisconsin This game was a memo to the rest of the country, watching the Big Ten can be damaging to your health. This game sucked to watch. It was a Saturday night game on national tv, save for the West Coast who was mercifully allowed to watch USC squash out Washington State. Iowa and Wisconsin's offenses seriously gave Michigan and Paterno State a run for the most boring suck-tacular game of the week. Fortunately for Badger fans, the robust,marginally capable, flaccid offense of UW outdueled,overmatched, endured longer than Iowa's vaunted,"loaded" embarassingly awful offense. Note to ABC/ESPN if you must showcase the Big Ten once or twice a season please, please, please make sure that the two teams are ranked in the top fifteen* and that are both capable of making plays on offense so that Mussburger, Herbstreit et al won't be forced to mask the offensive ineppititude by dubbing the game "a real defensive battle."
*I'm fully aware at how difficult finding two Big Ten teams in the top 15 can be, especially this season. **Also am fully aware that Purdue beat Minnesota and that Michigan State beat Notre Dame, but is anyone surprised by these two facts?
The teams of the Big Ten, after a diet of cupcakes* and middling opponents from the other power conferences, begin their seasons, in earnest, this weekend with a plethora of Big Ten match-ups. For the most part the Big Ten and, in general, the college football schedule is pretty boring this week. That being said, expect some team to score touchdowns and another team to score field goals and yet another squad to score none, this game of course now being played on a three-way "Y" shaped field.
Tonight's action: Texas A & M vs. U of Miami, FL The Hurricanes are continuing their redemptive pre-ACC schedule/Big 12 Deathmarch towards relevance, this time by hosting the Aggies. This plan of redemption did not pan out well for Miami two weeks ago, when they were repeatedly taken behind the shed by a bigger, better Oklahoma team. I expect that although this game will be much closer, the 'Canes will still be on the short end, but maybe not. In any case, it's only entertainment and an hors d'oeuvre for Saturday.
Saturday Michigan State vs. Notre Dame If the football gods are feeling merciful towards MSU for the incredible-nay-miraculous Notre Dame comeback against the Spartans last year, than ND's fall from baseless and entirely media-driven grace into still-winless and damned purgatory will continue. As a staunch Big Ten backer and Notre Dame "unliker" I hope that this is the case.
Northwestern vs. Ohio State The year: 2004, the location: Evanston, IL. A young and impressionable Tony Ritz watched as an unthinkable sight unfolded before his very eyes: Northwestern defeated Ohio State. More importantly, another slightly older witness was one, Jim Tressel. Tress upon bearing this calamity has made it his point to remind Northwestern who they are and who Ohio State is. This will be ugly before halftime and will only get uglier, unless Tress displays a modicum of mercy. "Northwestern, in case you were wondering:Yes, I'm still very upset about 2004."
Illinois vs. Indiana I'm probably a little too excited about this game, but, in all honesty I really want to see what happens. Both teams have underrated offenses and very minor/ineffective/drunk? defenses. If it weren't an 11 o'clock kickoff it'd be fun to come up with a drinking game revolving around the scoring in this game. Kellen Lewis, James Hardy, Juice Williams, Rashard Mendenhall: you guys all score touchdowns and try to get the scoreboard to go on the fritz, okay? Bold Prediction: Whoever wins this game is going to a bowl game.
Paterno State University vs. Michigan Well, two weeks behind schedule Michigan finally awoke from its hibernation and shamed an increasingly awful looking Notre Dame squad. Michigan's reawakening should continue and much like a recently awakened grizzly bear, UM will be looking for food. Sustenance for UM's offense will be provided by PSU's slightly weakish defensive line and Mike Hart shall have his fill. Anthony Morrelli will suffice for nourishment if the Wolverine defenders can only get to him. The jury is still out on that part.
Iowa vs. Wisconsin I'm waay too nervous about this game to be impartial or even rational. The Badgers have been more schizo than a Britney/Winehouse -fueled bender weekend in Vegas. Seriously, Iowa could come into Camp Randall and beatdown UW and I wouldn't even bat an eyelash, that's how bizzare UW has been since dismantling Washington State in week one. Let's hope Pajamas Hill and Donovan TCB.
*No, I'm not going to make fun of Michigan for losing to Appalachian State and Oregon. I mean, who would relish in an arch-rivals shadenfreude? A complete and utter dick, that's who. Still, I mean, it is funny that they lost to both teams at home and that their defense couldn't even figure out what was happening. Remember when Dennis Dixo pulled a fake Statue of Liberty play and a real Statue of Liberty play against the Wolverines? That was awesome.
The Alamo: The site of Joe Paterno's first loss as a coach, way back in 1836.
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