The Perils of Internet Dating, Part Two

Okay, welcome back to the far too engrossing and sad exploits of dating and the Internet. In part one (scroll down the front page or just look in September's archive.) our intrepid Cyber-Casanova, Tony Ritz, was loooking for love (not really) in all the wrong places: chicago.craigslist-namely. Fortunately, for you, the reader of suddenlystruttin, hilarity and exploitation of people's emotions ensued! Today, part two:

Alright, for the second, and mercifully, final chapter of this experiment I moved away from the whorish digital wasteland that is craigslist, and into the slightly-less whorish and marginally more "respectable" venue of myspace. The one advantage craigslist did offer was the "W4M" section of their classified ads; wherein, with myspace I had to be far more pro-active. Luckily, I had planned ahead for such a situation by investing in a "Creative Factory." [Ed. Note: He means a six-pack of Stroh's.] After imbibing in the "Creative Factory," I perused myspace with the criteria of: being between 23 and 28 years old, college-educated and over 5'7". Upon gathering these results I then sent out five myspace emails to a diverse [Ed. Note: He means, one of them was Jewish.] selection of potential dates.

Startlingly, I actually received two positive replies, I blame my rapier wit and rugged good looks, not the Stroh's. [Ed. Note: Blame the Stroh's, you're stupid and ugly.] Contestant #1 was a great looking, toe-headed lass, who's profile, although irritating, (music set for waaay loud and autoplay,) was not without it's charms. Her reply email seemed fine and the only thing that prevented me from going on a date with her, was....drumroll, please!.... She didn't drink at all. Not, "I don't like to drink that much," but no drinking. Teetotalling drives me away from people with a quickness, and let's face it, if somebody doesn't drink than it's almost guaranteed that they don't like having fun either, right? Seriously, as good looking as this girl was, Amy, the gorilla from the movie, "Congo," had a better shot with me, because, "Amy, like green drop drink."*[Ed. Note: A king's ransom to the person to get me a youtube of Amy saying that line from the movie.]


"No likey drinky drink. No hangy outy with Tony Ritz. Seriously, what were we going do on a date, go to a bar and have you watch me drink?"

Contestant #2 was far more my speed, insofar as she liked to drink, big plus! After a few emails, we exchanged phone numbers and made a plan to meet up for drinks at a decent bar in her neighborhood. Upon meeting up we had a few drinks and a decent enough conversation that we felt we should hit up another bar. After a few more drinks I walked the lady to her place, exchanged a few good night pleasantries and headed to my abode. Five days later and a few mutually friendly text messages later, the crazy began:

Phone ringing, I glance at it and it's Contestant #2, pick up.

Tony Ritz: "Hello."

C#2: "Hey, it's me."

TR: "Hey, how's it going? What are you up to?"

C#2: "I'm at some crappy bbq. I think I'm just going to go home."

TR:"Oh that's cool, do you want to grab a drink later in the week?"

C#2(Amping up the Crazy...NOW!):"Look, I don't think I can do this.I'm sorry, I just can't give this 100% right now. You seem like a really nice guy and you're hot and funny, but, I can't do this."

TR(Befuddled):"It's okay, we only went on one date."

C#2(Crazy Levels are off the charts):"I'm trying to get over this other guy who totally treated me like shit, and I just don't know if I'll ever be the same. I needed to tell you this after one date instead of after the tenth or eighth date or whatever."

TR(Eyes rolling, pondering a six-letter word for bored): "It's totally okay. We only went on one date, don't be so hard on yourself."

C#2(Still rambling and oblivious): "Listen, I'm not sure what's going to happen, but, you're a really great guy and I'm going to totally drunk text and drunk dial you in the weeks to come, you better be ready for it."

TR(Please, let me hang up, I'm gnawing my arm off here!):"Uhh, what? Sure, whatever, I'll talk to you later?"

C#2(Cautiously Optimistic?):"Okay, talk to you soon."

There you have it. The end of this project for good. If you have any great stories on awful dates feel free to share in the comments!

*Green Drop Drink was Amy's word for a martini, what? I'm the nerd for knowing that? Not likely.