Global Warming defeats Marathoners

Record high temperatures were blamed for the cancellation of the 30th Chicago Marathon on Sunday. The invisible culprit was, naturally, global warming. Global warming the "theoretical" heating up of the Earth's surface and consequential alteration of
the seasonal ebb and flow of temperature patterns, was unavailable for comment.

However, an attorney for the Industrial Age-induced phenomena was on the record as saying, "Until there's a smoking gun that directly connects my client with the cancellation of the Chicago Marathon and the tragic death of one of the participants therein, Global Warming will continue it's day-to-day erosion of the patterns of the natural world."

Global Warming, which has more and more found itself in the media's criticizing eye for such disasters as Hurricane Katrina and the consequent flooding of New Orleans, as well as, record temperatures across Continental Europe in 2004-has been connected to more and more disasters since it was first discussed openly in the late 20th Century. The President when told of the cancellation of the Chicago Marathon, was startled and outraged, remarking, "America does not negotiate with terrorists. Global Warming hates our way of life and our love of running," Bush later quipped, "I want to knock Global Warming out cold!"

In spite of more and more evidence suggesting that Global Warming is no flash-in the-pan, one trick pony there are still doubters and naysayers who challenge the very existence of the much maligned weather-related occurence. One prominent Chicago-based panhandler went so far on Sunday as to sport a clever sign stating his disbelief:


"Global Warming aint payin' me no mind nor no monies."*


Organizers of the marathon have no plans to cancel future marathons, assuming that, "these crazy temperatures can't last." Chicago native and hip hop megastar, Kanye West was on the record as saying, "Global Warming doesn't care about marathoners."

A spokeseperson for Global Warming revealed that the freakish force was planning a mild winter for most of the United States, while it was tormenting third-world nations in Africa with much-less rain than the already parched areas are typically used to.


"Global Warming doesn't care about Chicago or black people."


*Hat Tip: GGGGGGGrotte for the faboo photo.