The Jack Ass of The Week Award: It's BACK, Baby!

Irresponsible Wildlife Management: I was having a conversation about this Jackassery with a friend of mine, and he sorta looked up and said, "Serisously, fuck a salmon," and I can't put it more concisely than that. Let's review the policy of the California DNR to make sure we've got all the missteps correct.

Imaginary conversation between me and Public Relations guy from California:

Tony Ritz: "Okay, so you're certain killing off the entire fish population of a whole lake to wipe out one species, is the best idea you could employ?"

Cal. PR Guy. "Yes, you can bet your bottom dollar."

Me: "Hmmm, but what about poisoning a source of drinking water to an entire town?"

CPRG: "You got it and those moron's tax dollars are paying for this!" [Puttin on a somber air of professionalism] "Well, we've made arrangements for them to get healthy drinking water."

Me: "Okay, but, I mean, you guys looked into this and you're sure it's going to work, right?"

CPRG: "Uhh, well, no... not exactly"

Me: "Oh, you mean, you attempted this same feat in 1997 and the fish you were trying to exterminate made a full recovery within two years?"

CPRG: "This interview is over!"


Honorable Mention

The lard ass mofo who was eating a cheeseburger with one hand and holding a paper plate full of potato chips with the other, all while attempting to drive her car down down a city street and nearly hit me in the process. Fat Woman Driver, I salute you. If it weren't for your negligent driving and wanton craving of trans-fats to add more girth to your already supple ass, gut and arm fat reserves, I would not have been able to test out and challenge my own dexterity and agility while crossing the street. Thanks!

*Photo Credit The LA Times

Sports Thursday

The Big Ten Conference coughed to life last weekend in what I'll generously dub, "Slow Starts: A primer for offensive coordinators in the Big Ten." This weekend it doesn't get any better as there are a ton of should-be blowouts on tap for the Big Ten, also, the other conferences have a full sleight of crap-tacular games as well. Moving on...

Games That Should be Fun for Everybody:

#5 West Virginia vs. #18 South Florida Let's see West Virginny is the "rootinest, tootinest, most rushinest" team west of Annapolis. They have a veritable Hydra in their backfield with Slaton, White and Devine all being completely capable of slashing through your precious defense with the precision of a samurai's katana. Meanwhile, the South Florida Bulls roll in as everyone's upstart media darling. Actually, and as cute as a Bull calf must be, USF has got some teeth and claws, last year, like, totally upsetting, like, West Virginia's plans for a BCS Bowl. I really don't know much more about these two teams, but that won't stop me from making a prediction: USF 31 WVU 34.

#6 California vs. #11 Oregon Unless you live on the West Coast you won't be catching this game. Granted with Bears and Ducks fans occupying the same space in the Pacific Northwest, the contact high should at least reach Lincoln, so you could catch that. On paper, at least, this is the most competitive game of the week. C'est la vie. Watch what your Televised Sports Overlords tell you to watch and thank them for it. "Thank You, ESPN/ABC." I like California. Hmmm, let's say Cal 38 Oregon 28. Sounds good, to me.

Big Ten Games

Michigan vs. Northwestern The Wolverines are still hungry after awakening from their hibernation later than all the other teams and will feast upon the Big Ten's soft, fleshy, white underbelly, known as Northwestern. Mike Hart will have over 200 yards of rushing, if he's left in for the duration of the game. Michigan 27 Northwestern 10.

Indiana vs. Iowa Let's see, Iowa lost their tight end and wide receiver last week and are coming off a hard fought, yet, still uninspiring, loss to the Badgers of UW. And Indiana's got a soft, as cotton candy rush defense. Still they have Kellen Lewis and James Hardy to make up for their defense's shortcomings. Indiana wins a shootout. Hoosiers 42 Hawkeyes 38.

Paterno State vs. Illinois Morreli's going to screw this one up, I just know it! Sorry, Rudy, but I'm picking against the Lions. Illinois 20 Penn St. 13


Penn State's mascot stripping: More or less humiliating than losing to Illinois? Find out on Saturday!

Ohio State vs. Minnesota Tressel and the boys keep on rolling through the easy sledding of their early Big Ten schedule, that is of course, unless, anymore quarterbacks get caught soliciting prostitutes, ha! OSU 38 Minnesota 13

Notre Dame @ Purdue I'm feeling a little loopy and stupid right now, so, against all intuitions and facts of football science: I'm picking Notre Dame to beat Purdue. Please, don't ask me for a score, this prediction is troubling enough.

Michigan State vs. Wisconsin Well, Wisconsin still hasn't show itself to be anything more than a bi-polar, loose cannon of offensive ineptitude. BUT, they still have an awesome defense and Pajamas Hill, I'm crossing myself and hoping that is enough to beat Michigan State. If it's not, well, I'll be hanging out with this guy a lot on Saturday night...

The Perils of Internet Dating, Part Two

Okay, welcome back to the far too engrossing and sad exploits of dating and the Internet. In part one (scroll down the front page or just look in September's archive.) our intrepid Cyber-Casanova, Tony Ritz, was loooking for love (not really) in all the wrong places: chicago.craigslist-namely. Fortunately, for you, the reader of suddenlystruttin, hilarity and exploitation of people's emotions ensued! Today, part two:

Alright, for the second, and mercifully, final chapter of this experiment I moved away from the whorish digital wasteland that is craigslist, and into the slightly-less whorish and marginally more "respectable" venue of myspace. The one advantage craigslist did offer was the "W4M" section of their classified ads; wherein, with myspace I had to be far more pro-active. Luckily, I had planned ahead for such a situation by investing in a "Creative Factory." [Ed. Note: He means a six-pack of Stroh's.] After imbibing in the "Creative Factory," I perused myspace with the criteria of: being between 23 and 28 years old, college-educated and over 5'7". Upon gathering these results I then sent out five myspace emails to a diverse [Ed. Note: He means, one of them was Jewish.] selection of potential dates.

Startlingly, I actually received two positive replies, I blame my rapier wit and rugged good looks, not the Stroh's. [Ed. Note: Blame the Stroh's, you're stupid and ugly.] Contestant #1 was a great looking, toe-headed lass, who's profile, although irritating, (music set for waaay loud and autoplay,) was not without it's charms. Her reply email seemed fine and the only thing that prevented me from going on a date with her, was....drumroll, please!.... She didn't drink at all. Not, "I don't like to drink that much," but no drinking. Teetotalling drives me away from people with a quickness, and let's face it, if somebody doesn't drink than it's almost guaranteed that they don't like having fun either, right? Seriously, as good looking as this girl was, Amy, the gorilla from the movie, "Congo," had a better shot with me, because, "Amy, like green drop drink."*[Ed. Note: A king's ransom to the person to get me a youtube of Amy saying that line from the movie.]


"No likey drinky drink. No hangy outy with Tony Ritz. Seriously, what were we going do on a date, go to a bar and have you watch me drink?"

Contestant #2 was far more my speed, insofar as she liked to drink, big plus! After a few emails, we exchanged phone numbers and made a plan to meet up for drinks at a decent bar in her neighborhood. Upon meeting up we had a few drinks and a decent enough conversation that we felt we should hit up another bar. After a few more drinks I walked the lady to her place, exchanged a few good night pleasantries and headed to my abode. Five days later and a few mutually friendly text messages later, the crazy began:

Phone ringing, I glance at it and it's Contestant #2, pick up.

Tony Ritz: "Hello."

C#2: "Hey, it's me."

TR: "Hey, how's it going? What are you up to?"

C#2: "I'm at some crappy bbq. I think I'm just going to go home."

TR:"Oh that's cool, do you want to grab a drink later in the week?"

C#2(Amping up the Crazy...NOW!):"Look, I don't think I can do this.I'm sorry, I just can't give this 100% right now. You seem like a really nice guy and you're hot and funny, but, I can't do this."

TR(Befuddled):"It's okay, we only went on one date."

C#2(Crazy Levels are off the charts):"I'm trying to get over this other guy who totally treated me like shit, and I just don't know if I'll ever be the same. I needed to tell you this after one date instead of after the tenth or eighth date or whatever."

TR(Eyes rolling, pondering a six-letter word for bored): "It's totally okay. We only went on one date, don't be so hard on yourself."

C#2(Still rambling and oblivious): "Listen, I'm not sure what's going to happen, but, you're a really great guy and I'm going to totally drunk text and drunk dial you in the weeks to come, you better be ready for it."

TR(Please, let me hang up, I'm gnawing my arm off here!):"Uhh, what? Sure, whatever, I'll talk to you later?"

C#2(Cautiously Optimistic?):"Okay, talk to you soon."

There you have it. The end of this project for good. If you have any great stories on awful dates feel free to share in the comments!

*Green Drop Drink was Amy's word for a martini, what? I'm the nerd for knowing that? Not likely.

Midweek Updates: Drankin' a Magna Carta of Moet!

Hola, strutters. It's Wednesday and suddenlystruttin's staff wants you all to know the hot and valuable news items and miscellanea out in the Internets; so, that when that cocktail party you're hosting on Friday night rolls around, you'll have an ice breaker. Uhh, or something...

The Magna Carta is up for auction. In case you've forgotten your high school history and poli-sci teachers boring discussions on the significance of the Magna Carta, know this: The Magna Carta is the "Original Gangsta" of historically significant and boring documents, see: United States Constitution, Bill of Rights, Federalist Papers, Declaration of Independence. That being said, the only relevant and important thing to thank the Magan Carta for is the process of "Habeas Corpus." Also, the Magna Carta refers to a collection of writings and is not one static piece of parchment, remember that when you're bidding on it for upwards of 30 million.

The United States has some competition. This is the sort of news that just makes me sick! I mean, we're the fucking UNITED STATES and those limey bastards think they can elbow in on our claim to being a nation of fatties? I think not! I for one am going to double my intake of milk shakes and forego all healthy foods. Pass the Butterfingers!

In other news, it's a slooow week, but, I should be getting part 2 of "The Perils of Dating" out tomorrow or Friday or, y'know, when I get around to it.

YouTube (non) Magic

Sorry readers, I've got a most unpleasant head cold today and am feeling pretty unmotivated, you know what that means: more crap from youtube today. Less funny and weird than last week's crazy Britney fan; no, this video demonstrates one jackasses take on how "rad" tigers are and, oh yeah, he's a BIG 50 Cent fan. Why this isn't on Discovery Channel or Animal Planet is beyond me. Oh wait! I remember, because it's utter crap.



The second video today, is for one very special suddenlystruttin reader, my programming friend Paul. Paul, had to go to a wedding a few weeks ago and wasn't sure how to tie a tie. Fortunately, I was around and tied a perfect tie for him. In any case, Paul, here is how to tie a tie.*



*Yeah, I was just as surprised that there's a domain name called: www.sexytie.com

College Football Wrap Up

It's Monday again and after the ashes of another Saturday have been swept into the dustbin of time, we've learned a few more things about our bygone, beloved and baffling Big Ten Conference... (Segue: Riveting musicsal overture, awesome special effects!!!)

Winners, Literally!:
Michigan Upon Penn State's senior qb/whipping boy, Anthony Morreli's fumble with about ten minutes left in the first quarter and the immediate and ensuing Wolverine touchdown, was this game really in question? Before the game there was a ton of talk about this being the year for PSU to finally beat Michigan. What seemed to be largely forgottenn or selectively ignored by the pundits was the inability of Morreli to perform in big games. Annnnd the PSU's lack of creative or intelligent play-calling to come up with offensive schemes that could take advantage of UM's lagging speed on defense and refusal to contain mobile quarterbacks, granted, Morreli is as mobile as a glacier, but still!

And if we're talking about a program's staunch and obtuse dedication to offensive sets that were "groundbreaking" in those halcyon days of the 1960s, Lloyd's boys are right there with Paterno's crew. This whole game was some serious boredom-induction maelstrom that no viewer in the Midwest could pull away from upon watching the first half. I wanted to stop but I couldn't...I blame my parents for being tOSU fans from the Woody Hayes-era and their continual brainwashing of my brain and allegiances with "smashmouth"-read, boring-ass,- football.

Illinois I was totally right about Juice Williams and Rashard Mendenhall going buck wild against Indiana's controversial "invisible" defense. Sadly, Monsieurs Hardy and Lewis could not keep up their end of my bargain by not scoring against Illinois' equally invisible, but, sligtly more plucky defense. Illinois will be going to a bowl game, based off my baseless prediction from Thursday...

Ohio State Jimmy Tressel took Northwestern behind the woodshed yet again, in his continuing and presumed career long ploy for vengeance following his sole loss to Northwestern. As I understand these matters, the sowing of Evanston's soil with salt shall commence next season. The Buckeyes posted 58 points on 396 total yards which is startlingly efficient, granted, it would mean sooooooo much more against an opponent who had not lost to Duke the previous week.

Wisconsin This game was a memo to the rest of the country, watching the Big Ten can be damaging to your health. This game sucked to watch. It was a Saturday night game on national tv, save for the West Coast who was mercifully allowed to watch USC squash out Washington State. Iowa and Wisconsin's offenses seriously gave Michigan and Paterno State a run for the most boring suck-tacular game of the week. Fortunately for Badger fans, the robust, marginally capable, flaccid offense of UW outdueled, overmatched, endured longer than Iowa's vaunted, "loaded" embarassingly awful offense. Note to ABC/ESPN if you must showcase the Big Ten once or twice a season please, please, please make sure that the two teams are ranked in the top fifteen* and that are both capable of making plays on offense so that Mussburger, Herbstreit et al won't be forced to mask the offensive ineppititude by dubbing the game "a real defensive battle."

*I'm fully aware at how difficult finding two Big Ten teams in the top 15 can be, especially this season.
**Also am fully aware that Purdue beat Minnesota and that Michigan State beat Notre Dame, but is anyone surprised by these two facts?

LBJ to host SNL

The reanimated, possibly "zombiefied" corpse of our nation's 36th President, Mr. Lyndon B. Johnson will be hosting the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. It's not known whether or not Zombie LBJ will answer questions regarding the parallels of his administration's Vietnam conflict and the current boondoggle in Iraq...."Huh! What's this? "LBJ" is a nickname for an NBA superstar? Who, LeBron James? C'mon, "LeBron," that sounds like a fake name. What? And some "hip-hop rapper" named Kanye West will be performing? Was that crooner Sammie Davis all booked?"

All jokes aside this is going to be painful to watch, NOT that anyone should watch SNL. No Saturday nights are reserved for a special live showing I like to call "Saturday Night Whiskey." But, if you have any sucker friends who watch SNL please tell them to skip it, LeBron's television non-NBA performances would have to be generously described as "wooden," "poorly conceived," and "tasteless." This coming from a guy who 's blog is widely panned as: "A terribly conceived, lifeless and utterly despicable timewaste"

Don't watch SNL when LeBron hosts it. Better yet, stay away from Jimmy Kimmel and LeBron trying "to make the funny."

*HT: WithLeather

Sports Thursday

The teams of the Big Ten, after a diet of cupcakes* and middling opponents from the other power conferences, begin their seasons, in earnest, this weekend with a plethora of Big Ten match-ups. For the most part the Big Ten and, in general, the college football schedule is pretty boring this week. That being said, expect some team to score touchdowns and another team to score field goals and yet another squad to score none, this game of course now being played on a three-way "Y" shaped field.

Tonight's action:
Texas A & M vs. U of Miami, FL The Hurricanes are continuing their redemptive pre-ACC schedule/Big 12 Deathmarch towards relevance, this time by hosting the Aggies. This plan of redemption did not pan out well for Miami two weeks ago, when they were repeatedly taken behind the shed by a bigger, better Oklahoma team. I expect that although this game will be much closer, the 'Canes will still be on the short end, but maybe not. In any case, it's only entertainment and an hors d'oeuvre for Saturday.

Saturday
Michigan State vs. Notre Dame If the football gods are feeling merciful towards MSU for the incredible-nay-miraculous Notre Dame comeback against the Spartans last year, than ND's fall from baseless and entirely media-driven grace into still-winless and damned purgatory will continue. As a staunch Big Ten backer and Notre Dame "unliker" I hope that this is the case.

Northwestern vs. Ohio State The year: 2004, the location: Evanston, IL. A young and impressionable Tony Ritz watched as an unthinkable sight unfolded before his very eyes: Northwestern defeated Ohio State. More importantly, another slightly older witness was one, Jim Tressel. Tress upon bearing this calamity has made it his point to remind Northwestern who they are and who Ohio State is. This will be ugly before halftime and will only get uglier, unless Tress displays a modicum of mercy. "Northwestern, in case you were wondering:Yes, I'm still very upset about 2004."

Illinois vs. Indiana I'm probably a little too excited about this game, but, in all honesty I really want to see what happens. Both teams have underrated offenses and very minor/ineffective/drunk? defenses. If it weren't an 11 o'clock kickoff it'd be fun to come up with a drinking game revolving around the scoring in this game. Kellen Lewis, James Hardy, Juice Williams, Rashard Mendenhall: you guys all score touchdowns and try to get the scoreboard to go on the fritz, okay? Bold Prediction: Whoever wins this game is going to a bowl game.

Paterno State University vs. Michigan Well, two weeks behind schedule Michigan finally awoke from its hibernation and shamed an increasingly awful looking Notre Dame squad. Michigan's reawakening should continue and much like a recently awakened grizzly bear, UM will be looking for food. Sustenance for UM's offense will be provided by PSU's slightly weakish defensive line and Mike Hart shall have his fill. Anthony Morrelli will suffice for nourishment if the Wolverine defenders can only get to him. The jury is still out on that part.

Iowa vs. Wisconsin I'm waay too nervous about this game to be impartial or even rational. The Badgers have been more schizo than a Britney/Winehouse -fueled bender weekend in Vegas. Seriously, Iowa could come into Camp Randall and beatdown UW and I wouldn't even bat an eyelash, that's how bizzare UW has been since dismantling Washington State in week one. Let's hope Pajamas Hill and Donovan TCB.

*No, I'm not going to make fun of Michigan for losing to Appalachian State and Oregon. I mean, who would relish in an arch-rivals shadenfreude? A complete and utter dick, that's who. Still, I mean, it is funny that they lost to both teams at home and that their defense couldn't even figure out what was happening. Remember when Dennis Dixo pulled a fake Statue of Liberty play and a real Statue of Liberty play against the Wolverines? That was awesome.

Not Sure What This Is About

I love the Internet, it affords people the opportunity to publish and post whatever they want, whenever they want. For instance the trained chimps and interns of suddenlystruttin try to get poorly constructed sentences and accompanying non-sensical photos and/or videos up on the Internet everyday. That's technology and monkeys working for you! Here's yet another example of technology working for you:

Does anyone know who she's talking about?


*HT: The super smart, incredibly fast and seductive Dai.

Minor Housekeeping

A few things:

Updated the links list and alphabetized it.
Added a tracker.
Added a title bar, so that each post can be opened in it's own window.

Avast! It be Midweek Updates!

Ahoy mateys, here be a pile of information and links to quell your mutinous notions!


Professor, what's another word for pirate treasure? "Why I think it's booty."


*Yarr! It be International Talk Like a Pirate Day! Hoist the mizzen mast, et cetera, et cetera.

*This morning I was riding my trusty bike along California Avenue just north of the Cali. blue line stop, when I saw a fellow biker get crushed by a truck! A rather confused and frightened group of pedestrians and commuters all stopped to make sure the rider was okay and he was decidely not okay. It looked like his leg was at least very severly sprained if not broken. EMTs and police rushed to scene and started gathering facts. I hope he's okay and for any readers out there who ride bikes, be careful.

*And if you think city life is fraught with peril and danger around every street corner read about this poor guy who had his arm bit off by an alligator in South Carolina. (Bella and Prof, I expect you guys to already know about this) Here's the macabre photo gallery.


"I guess you could say, I disarmed him." The gator chuckled to himself.!

...And We Are Back.

Hey everybody, Tony Ritz is back in the Midwest, where it is still way too hot and I'm still marginally (at best) employed. Seatlle was pretty cool, it reminded me of a bizzare metropolitan hybrid between Madison, Wi and Yellowknife, Northwest Territories. The weather and atmospheric conditions definitely evoke a "perpetual Autumn," and it's suggested that you change into an outfit of largely neutral colors upon landing at SeaTac. To make it clear how disparate the climates of Seattle and Chiago are, let me only say that it was fourteen degrees warmer in Chicago at 9:30 at night than Seattle at 2:30 in the afternoon. I appreciated the cool weather and am, right now, missing the heck out of it as it's 85 degrees today. Meanwhile, the architecture of Seattle is a bafflingly awesome array of old factories, warehouses and modern ass-kicking neo skyscrapers. Two things that stuck out:

The Space Needle, Old and Busted


Seriously, this structure is on some 1950s World of Tomorrow type-a-shit. It is a signature building of the nation and, duh, for Seattle. But looking at it from the highway, I couldn't help feeling sorry for it. It's dwarfed by the downtown skyscrapers and looks oddly wide-read, overweight-with the way it's support elements are included into the design. It has not aged well.

Pike's Place Market is for suckerz!!!11 OMG!! LOLz!!!


"We might be dead and on sale in Pike's Market, but at least we can't hear the street performers. Also, the workers just tossed us here, hence, 'tossing salmon' which is a pretty funny euphemism for you know what..."

This place is crawling with tourists. Ryan and I went down there just to say we saw it and spent maybe a half hour there. We did see the very first Starbucks which is an important landmark in American Corporate History. Pike's Market though is a total shill and it's chock full of fuckin' hippies and "street performers." Ryan had left his Desert Eagle at home and, I of course abhor firearms, but, man, I really wanted to ruin some hippies/street urchins day by, what? I don't know ... smashing their guitar or lighting them on fire or busting out the brass knuckles not tipping them anything and politely ignoring them.

Aside from my diletante's appreciation for architecture, and realizing what I already knew; I learned also that drunk people really get confused towards the end of the night when you just start acting out scenes from "Gelnngary Glen Ross." Also, Ryan's friend Tiffany did not appreciate that, even when rather inebriated, I knew the lyrics to "Love Shack" by the B-52s. But that's really her problem and not mine.

Going to Seattle




I'm getting on a plane out to the Great Pacific Northwest today around noon. It should be a nice weekend visiting with my old friend Ryan and, evidently, our fathers will be there as well. Gonna try to find the original Starbucks, eat a ton of oysters, crabs and salmon.

What I'm looking forward to

Seafood and see food jokes.
UW vs tOSU from Husky Stadium. Sadly, our seats suck for this game.
Catching up with Ryan.

What I'm not looking forward to

Earthquakes. Seattle's due!
Potential off-the-charts awkwardness readings when my dad brings up his girlfriend and the condo they're planning on buying together. WTF?
Food poisoning.


Have a nice weekend.

The Internet is full of fat liars who are ugly, OR, The Perils of Dating, Part One

All right everybody, for about the past month I've been going on a series of "Internet dates." Now, before we get into the excrutiating details of how AWKWARD every single one of these was, let us review why I submitted myself to this torture and what rules/caveats/escape clauses I set up for myself.

Why I did it: Because I was bored, so bored, patient and dear reader. Furthermore, a friend of mine had lameneted what a pain in the ass Internet dating in general typically is, and so, in the mold of great participatory journalists of the past, I decided to channel my inner-Plimpton and subject myself to the slings and arrows of mericless Lady Internet.

The Rules/Caveats/Escape Clauses: The rules, only using, ugh, chicago.craigslist and, ugh, myspace I would go on a minimum of two dates (one from each website) and "test the tepid waters." I think that was the only rule, the only caveat was not going out with someone too below my superficially demanding standards of "attractive." The only escape clause was being able to bail out at any given time on any given date. Of course, the subjects to this experiment were not informed of what they were a part of.

First up was craigslist, and WOW! there is nothing nice I can say about the craigslist experiment. After responding to a number of "women seeking men" listings and filtering through a number of photos and emails I came down to two finalists for the vaunted craigslist date.

Contestant #1: A sultry lass from Chicago's near Westside looking to "have a good time," and felt that "we should grab a drink." Tony Ritz, after receving her picture as an attachment felt like "suicide." *CAUTION, DEAR READER THE FOLLOWING IMAGE IS HARMFUL!*


Forensic Breakdown: Well, clearly, "she's" wearing a wig to cover up her massive "five head" which is a result of "her" receding hairline. "Her" protruding brow suggests an element of the lower primate order; while her defined jaw line betrays both a criminal element and perhaps the fact that "she" is a "he!" Bum. Bum. BUUUMM!

Contestant #2: Okay, contestant number two was also found in the dredges of romance that are the craigslist W4M, she's a 23 yeard old* who moved to Chicago from LA for college. Here's her photo**


Wondering what the asteriks next to her age and photo are all about? Well, she lied about being 23, actually 20. And this photo has to be from when she was at least four years younger and forty pounds lighter.

Based off the photos alone I'm sure you can guess who I went on a date with. Yep, Contestant #2. So let's cut to the quick and review what all was wrong with Contestant #2:

For starters, she was two fucking hours late for our rendezvous. Originally we had agreed to meet at 9 pm and she pushed it all the way back to 11 and changed venues. Changed venues from a bar-where they are plenty of witnesses-er, patrons. From bar, to???? her front yard. Brilliant! I met her in her front yard, and from there she proceeded to drag me to a late-night Mexican restaraunt. Upon arrival she ordered a whole fucking meal and expected me to watch as she stuffed her already bloated face full of more unecessary sustenance. Appalled at this, I continued with the date merely for the sake of science. As I fought back convulsions of apoplectic rage from her tardiness, necessity for eating in a manner most befitting of a barnyard animal and her sloven appearance-Cowgirl was wearing-unbelievably-mesh gym shorts and a baggy tee shirt-we moseyed back to her apartment where she offered me a forty and I obligingly accepted. Our conversation at the her late night feeding had been awkward but at least mininmal, thanks to her pie hole blessedly being full of food for the most part. The conversation that ensued in her front yard, as I desperately tried to fight back my revulsion with swallow upon swallow of malt liquor, was forced and incrdibly awful. The highlights:

Her: "I like to play video games. I have every gaming system that's been released since the first Nintendo."
Me: Mouth agape, stumblling to conjugate a complete sentence.

Her: "My brother is the one with all the looks, but he's a bigger nerd than I am."
Me: Fighting back tears, of rage? fear? I couldn't tell at this point.

Me: "Well, I'm really tired. I'm going to get going."
Her: "Can I have a hug?"
Me: "I don't think so."

Coming Soon! Part Two! "When the going get weird, the weird go professional!"

Sports Thursday on Friday, COLLEGEFUCKIN'FOOTBALL WHOOOOO! Edition

Before Tony Ritz was a ladies man, there was this music video and college football.

Hot fuckin' dog!!! The college football season is in full swing this weekend and by all measures I am rather amped. Not in a Michigan-Ohio State sense of amped-where there's a plentiful amount of nerves and suicidal fears of loss-more the sense of amped as in: "I'm about to get laid by this hot chick, suh-weet!" Prior to Tony Ritz's first attempts at the horizontal mambo the only other thing I can compare this level of "amp-osity" to has to be the video for Guns and Roses, "You Could Be Mine." At the mere mention of this video being played within the next hour and a half, 10 year old Tony Ritz found himself continually checking for it on "the MTV." I blame the awesome guitars and my unhealthy obsession with Terminator 2.

What I'll be watching and judging

Miami @ Oklahoma
A completely compelling early season match up of two former footballin juggernauts who have fallen on slightly hard times, Miami more so than OU. I've not seen either squad and only know that Miami's defense is supposedly a squadron of death that will be carrying the loathsomely incapable Hurricane offense most of the season.

Oregon @ Michigan
Hmmm, Lllllloyd's boys return to the scene of one of history's greatest embarassments and welcome the Oregon Ducks into the Big House. Mike Hart will run at will against Oregon's terrible defensive line and Dennis Dixon (Oregon's QB) should do much the same against Michigan's equally terrible defensive line.

Notre Dame @ Paterno State
Fuck this shit. PSU by, like, hmmmm, 55 points? I'm getting one of the interns to find out the spread for this dick fest of a game. Rudy, text me if Paterno suits up in the second half to box Jimmy Clausen's ears.

Texas Christian @ Texas
I seriously want TCU to bamboozle the fuck out of Texas, sadly, I doubt this will happen. Nay, Colt McCoy had his one shitty outing and he'll be back to his All-Universe self this week.


The Colt says, "Know your damn role."

Virginia Tech @ Louisiana State
This game is some serious FOOTBALL ARMAGEDDON! Seriously, my "amp-osity" is off the charts for this fucker. Also, I should be pretty drunk by this game so I'll be high fiving sooo many cock-knocking douchebags at whatever bar I'm at.

Wisconsin @ UNLV
UW had better fucking win.

Talkin' about the Tuesday Blues, or, Hurtin' like eight bitches in a bitch boat

Tuesday night, I and one of suddenlystruttin's best looking readers, Eric S. along with his girlfriend all went out to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants, the glorious Kuma's Corner for some hamburgers. Now I found out about Kuma's in May and I've been going there pretty frequently ever since with the goal of eating all 15 of their burgers before the end of the year. Imagine my chagrin when I found out on Tuesday night, that Kuma's has a card you can get stamped to mark off each burger. After Tuesday I've eaten nine of the fifteen, yet, according to the Kuma's card, I just got, I've only consumed one of the fifteen. Do you people realize how hard I am going to have to work to get on the "Wall of Gluttony" by the end of the year? To be honest, I wasn't even aware of the "Wall of the Gluttony" until two days ago and was just going after all fifteen burgers because I need an excuse to run on the treadmill. But, now, it's so on!

After dinner, our little group headed over to the Lakeview neighborhood to catch, yet, another "Eric" perform in his group's, apparent, final improv show ever. It was okay, not great. But so goes "improv comedy*" in general. After the show I headed towards the bus stop and managed to get somewhat lost, which is strange because I've been living in this damn city for three years and I'm good with directions... In any case whilst still lost, I managed to find fifty-fucking-dollars** just lying on the sidewalk. At which point I flagged down a cab, as opposed to staggering around looking for the bus stop. Ten minutes later I was back at my apartment watching this most awesome of youtube finds:




*Before my friend Erik did improv, continually, I'd refer to it as, "Limprov." Zing!

**By "find fifty-fucking-dollars," I mean, I paid a tranny hooker for a quickie in the alley, then murdered it and took my cash back. Score one for Tony Ritz!

Updating the suddenlystruttin, or, I missed all of you sooo much!


Judging by the results of the "poll" I went with the gayest, stupidest photo I could find. Lousy "democratic process."


Hey, I know it's been a dog's age since I really updated the blog. Trust me, I've got some good stuff cooking, re: the Internet, fat women who lie and yours truly. Y'all get to read and guffaw at the hilarity when it comes down the pike, I'm thinking sometime between now and Tuesday. In the meantime, Tony Ritz and (possibly) Felonious Krunk will be getting at the lovely readers of suddenlystruttin a few times this weekend. Topics will range from football to drunkeness to having to hang out with friends from elementary school 13 years too late. Also, there should be a new poll up at some point as well.

R.I.P. Big-D


I've got dreams to remember.