Sports Thursday: Big Ten ....GROooooANNNN...

Holy Fuck! This weekend's bill of Big Ten games is terrible, dead puppies terrible, demilitarized zone terrible! Minnesota @ Northwestern? Kent State @ Ohio State? Pass the poison, cuz it's gonna take a lot of "grandpa's cough syrup" to watch this shit. In honor of how dis-spiriting these games are, I'm grading each match with an estimate of how much you'll have to drink to stomach the chaotic and nausea-inducing "competition" on your TV screen.

Noon EST. Big Ten Network, Kent State vs. #3 Ohio State: Fancy yourself a real early-riser and a real early drinker? Saddle up to the Bloody Marys and forgo the tomato juice, horseradish, and other bits that you might be tempted to "filter" that powerful vodka with. Pour yourself a tall one and get bleary-eyed quickly. Drinks til Watchable: 5.5


"Make it a double. No, a triple! and keep 'em coming!"

Noon EST. ESPN2, #18 Illinois vs. Iowa: Indulge in a six pack of Capital Brewery's Autumnal Fire, 8.5% by Vol. or Bell's Two Hearted Ale 7.0% by Vol. and relish the great flavor at the same time as you relish watching Rashard Mendenhall punish Iowa's defense. Drinks til Watchable: 1.5-2

Noon EST. Mercifully, not televised, Minnesota vs. Northwestern: Do shots of tequilla until you pass out and then wake up three hours later. Drinks til Watchable: Infinity

Noon EST. Big Ten Network, Purdue vs. Michigan: A humdrum affair. Obviously watchable if you care passionately about either team. For the casual fan, I recommend Boilermakers, duh, and lots of them. Gather some friends and make a drinking game out Lloyd Carr's patented visage of contempt blended with aloofness. Drinks til Watchable: 3


Whiskey and Beer, two great tastes that go great together!


3:30 EST. ABC, #19 Wisconsin vs. Paterno State*: Hey, look! Two stodgy Big Ten offenses are lining up against each other, hooray! Yes, these two teams will be battling it out in Monty Python "Twit of the Year Fashion," as neither squad's all that good. Penn State's defense is actually kinda good, so PJ Hill could possibly be contained. Fortunately, for UW fans, in spite of Wisconsin's atrocious defense, PSU's QB sucks even more! Drinks til Watchable: 3

7:00 EST. Big Ten Network, Indiana vs. Michigan State: This haas the potential to be the most exciting Big Ten game of the week as both teams are, y'know, good at offense and bad, soooo bad, at defense. I recommend a light ale as you ease yourself into your own comfort zone with Lady Libation as your companion. Drinks til Watchable: 2

* Oh, our bet is so on, Rudy! Two pitchers of beer to the winner. PSU=Road Rage and Incompetence! Your team is "teh sux!"

College Football Wrap Up

It's Monday again and after the ashes of another Saturday have been swept into the dustbin of time, we've learned a few more things about our bygone, beloved and baffling Big Ten Conference... (Segue: Riveting musicsal overture, awesome special effects!!!)

Winners, Literally!:
Michigan Upon Penn State's senior qb/whipping boy, Anthony Morreli's fumble with about ten minutes left in the first quarter and the immediate and ensuing Wolverine touchdown, was this game really in question? Before the game there was a ton of talk about this being the year for PSU to finally beat Michigan. What seemed to be largely forgottenn or selectively ignored by the pundits was the inability of Morreli to perform in big games. Annnnd the PSU's lack of creative or intelligent play-calling to come up with offensive schemes that could take advantage of UM's lagging speed on defense and refusal to contain mobile quarterbacks, granted, Morreli is as mobile as a glacier, but still!

And if we're talking about a program's staunch and obtuse dedication to offensive sets that were "groundbreaking" in those halcyon days of the 1960s, Lloyd's boys are right there with Paterno's crew. This whole game was some serious boredom-induction maelstrom that no viewer in the Midwest could pull away from upon watching the first half. I wanted to stop but I couldn't...I blame my parents for being tOSU fans from the Woody Hayes-era and their continual brainwashing of my brain and allegiances with "smashmouth"-read, boring-ass,- football.

Illinois I was totally right about Juice Williams and Rashard Mendenhall going buck wild against Indiana's controversial "invisible" defense. Sadly, Monsieurs Hardy and Lewis could not keep up their end of my bargain by not scoring against Illinois' equally invisible, but, sligtly more plucky defense. Illinois will be going to a bowl game, based off my baseless prediction from Thursday...

Ohio State Jimmy Tressel took Northwestern behind the woodshed yet again, in his continuing and presumed career long ploy for vengeance following his sole loss to Northwestern. As I understand these matters, the sowing of Evanston's soil with salt shall commence next season. The Buckeyes posted 58 points on 396 total yards which is startlingly efficient, granted, it would mean sooooooo much more against an opponent who had not lost to Duke the previous week.

Wisconsin This game was a memo to the rest of the country, watching the Big Ten can be damaging to your health. This game sucked to watch. It was a Saturday night game on national tv, save for the West Coast who was mercifully allowed to watch USC squash out Washington State. Iowa and Wisconsin's offenses seriously gave Michigan and Paterno State a run for the most boring suck-tacular game of the week. Fortunately for Badger fans, the robust, marginally capable, flaccid offense of UW outdueled, overmatched, endured longer than Iowa's vaunted, "loaded" embarassingly awful offense. Note to ABC/ESPN if you must showcase the Big Ten once or twice a season please, please, please make sure that the two teams are ranked in the top fifteen* and that are both capable of making plays on offense so that Mussburger, Herbstreit et al won't be forced to mask the offensive ineppititude by dubbing the game "a real defensive battle."

*I'm fully aware at how difficult finding two Big Ten teams in the top 15 can be, especially this season.
**Also am fully aware that Purdue beat Minnesota and that Michigan State beat Notre Dame, but is anyone surprised by these two facts?