Friday, June 27, 2008

Suddenlystruttin's Spectacular Summer Movie Smackdown

We were looking at the office calendar earlier this week and [spit take!] realized that it's nearly July, which mean that the month of June is nearly over and that it's a matter of days until we start reminiscing about our dad passing out in the kiddie pool with a bottle of High Life pouring out onto the grass on the 4th of July. J/K, dad, we know you were never around for holidays. But we digress! with summertime comes a ton of Hollywood blockbusters and we'd be remiss as all fuck if we weren't willing to put our two cents into previewing some of the bigger flicks this season, so without further ado...


Some movie about, I don't know, robots? Great, well, I'm sure it's safe to assume that this animated romp has no truth nor fact and that it does not accurately portray robots as having taken over the universe and crushing mankind. Sorta like how the Y2K bug was snuffed out by the CIA and the Order of the Pentagram...


Will Smith narrates and Jason Bateman has a cameo as the construction crane that helped create the architectural masterpiece that is the John Hancock Building. Starting with the landmark building's foundation as a humble landfill in the Streeterville neighborhood of Chicago and continuing the story of how the building came to be the 5th tallest building in the USA and paragon of the structural expressionist style of architecture that it is today. Charlize Theron also stars as "The Signature Room" where over one million people have been served in the 95th floor's famous lounge and restaurant.

The Dark Knight

Christian Bale stars as a conflicted knight in King Arthur's court in this medieval morality play. Is his dedication to the King and his own chivalry enough to resist the advances of the comely maiden? Ribaldry (and hilarity) are sure to ensue!

Friday, June 20, 2008

A Few Words on Chicago's Crosstown Showdown

Tom and I talked about MLB's interleague scheduling on the podcast this week and how even though neither of us had a problem with it, we just didn't -- for the most part -- understand what all the fuss was about. After all, every pro league in the US has had inter-conference/league play for the better part of the past 50 years and yet, when MLB went to it in the mid 90s the media made it seem as if the skies had opened up and with a bolt of thunder the Gods of Sport had decried that "Yes, this was right and good." Meanwhile, the teenage version of me was left muttering who gives a shit and when does college football season start again? Flash forward to 2008 and the mainstream sports media still sports a raging boner for interleague play; por example: Cubs vs. White Sox this weekend. Granted, both squads are in first place in the respective divisions; however, even when both teams are struggling to keep their heads above the .500 mark ESPN, WGN, The Sun-Times and the Trib are shilling these contests to the masses as if it were midseason World Series. Most galling is the absolute belief that the fans of both the Cubs and Sox have in thinking that this series is Oh, So Crucial and Relevant to the fate of the Second City. For those of us in the know, we're all far too aware that the only real loser when these squads collide isn't the North or South Side of Chicago but dignity itself. A tale of the tape, necessary? By all means!

Cubs vs White Sox: Pros

- Having both teams fan bases in the same stadium at the same time affords terrorists (who have grown sick of the constant media attention) the unique opportunity to, indeed, kill two birds with one stone.

- Having both teams fan bases in the same stadium at the same time affords West Side sports separatists (who have been clamoring for a West Side pro franchise) the unique opportunity to, indeed, kill two birds with one stone and make a pitch to West Side efficiency?)

- Having both teams fan bases in the same stadium at the same time affords both parties the unique opportunity to attempt to "outmurder" the other side. And since there will probably be metal detectors this means the sloven troglodytes from both the North and South will have to display an iota of creativity in finding a murder weapon upon entering the "friendly confines." Hopefully, there'll be at least one case of a forced drowning within a toilet or (even better!) a trough..

Cubs vs White Sox: Cons

- The rules of baseball do not afford ties. Sadly, one team or the other will have to win every game.

- With aforementioned win will come inevitable bluster and braggadocio from the curmudgeonly American mule (Lou Piniella) or cantankerous Venezuelan burro (Ozzie Guillen)

Feel free to add your own Pros or Cons in the comments and have a great weekend...

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Dust to Dust

"Annnnnnd we're back, annnnnnnd we're staying focused."

So the grand experiment that was me writing for The Tyra Banks Show has officially come to a close and, shockingly!, I had nothing to do with my own being laid off. Nope, my poor friend the Web Producer was fired for being far too smart for her own good. Which really sucks, but I'm quite sure that she'll land on her feet.

In any case, I owe my poor, neglected, little corner of the Internet a heartfelt apology. Dear, I'm sorry I'm such a wretched blogger. Sincerely, Tony Ritz. So what's new with old Tony Ritz? Well, I've got a few irons in the fire right now including some freelance work for the Not For Tourists series of guidebooks and my first reviews should be posted by the end of next week...details to follow. And as usual, Thomas and myself have been up to our rambling and non-sensical sports blathering at 3 Yards and a Cloud of Lust. In the meantime, I'm looking for an ever better blogging/writing gig to replace the dearly departed (and horribly named) "Single and Fierce" of

Sunday, April 06, 2008

Tyra Update

First two Tyra blogs are up at her show's website which is right here.

Unfortunately, my editor/friend had to remove a couple of choice lines from my Q&A blog, so, here on struttin is the part that was removed. *Note, I found it to be a pretty funny response to "How Do I know if a Guy Like Me for Me?" Or whatever...

A second really important question to ask yourself is how much sex you're having and in what positions? If you're having less than one romp in the sheets per day, you should seriously re-evaluate how committed your man is to you. Granted this is sort of the opposite “just my looks” but it's still important. Second and more important is knowing what positions your man is asking for on a frequent basis. If it's “doggystyle” DON”T WORRY! you're in the clear. Your man is totally down with you being an awesome girl with a great personality and if anything is mortified of your face/breasts/entire front side. And has thus chosen “doggystyle” as the most physically distancing positions. Sure, us guys have come up with tons of clever excuses for asking for this position a lot, “It feels great,” “It gives me a real sense of power,” “Let's me know we're that much closer” all are popular ones. But mark my words, he's totally cool with your personality and is, in fact, probably only dating you for your personality and “coolness.”

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Memphis Grizzled.

Somebody care to tell me why this guy is still on a roster? Albeit for the Memphis Grizzlies, but still! Damn! Yo, and he's not on some Zeke-defying "Golden Oldies" shit, like Deke is either, uh uh, McKie oughta be fuckin' flipping burgers if he still has that drive and passion. Wait, according to the wiki on dude, he was just some spare parts sent over in the Gasol trade. "Phew."

As Midwest as Urban Decay

One of many shitty photos of pandas I took in San Francisco, thanks a lot technology!

Back from California last night and discovered that not only had all of the snow from Chicago's abrupt and not-so-mysterious blizzard of last Friday melted, but also, that in spite of being drunk for four days in a row I could still go out for a few beers at the Green Eye. An even better discovery was made while still in San Francisco yesterday morning, when, my friend and partner in nepotistic notions, Alex called me and congratulated me on being selected as one of two male bloggers selected to write about being a dude, single and, presumably, awesome for the Tyra Banks Show's website. I'm really not sure what to expect at all, except I feel as though this whole situation has the possibility of hilarity. In any case, I'm getting a digital video camera I can take out and horse around with.

As for the rest of California it was fantastic. Easter was spent at Santa Monica Beach and at the dinner table with six great friends. [Shitty Metaphor Alert -Ed.] San Francisco was clear at first but became as hazy and confusing as a bank of fog rolling off the Pacific. And I honestly can hardly remember the experience except that I enjoyed it and found myself in a Chinatown Dollar Store at 6 pm PST taking pictures of stuffed animal pandas kissing and then picture messaging them to friends. Jesus, who the fuck am I? Peter King on acid? In any case, I ended up loving my visit to California and walked away from O'Hare with the same feeling I get after returning from NYC: It's great to visit, but to live there? No thanks.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

California Update

Just got back from the LA Gun Club and HOLY SHIT are Glocks fun to shoot. Easily the most awesome thing I've done this year is shoot this handgun. Exhilarating. That's all I can say. Beyond the firearms Los Angeles has been great. Hung out in Echo Park with my old friend Bobby and his wife at their apartment yesterday during the day and went out a couple of douchey LA celeb-wannabe bars last night. Made our own fun by telling lies and sipping ryes.

Goin' to the beach tomorrow. More to come. Also, took some video at the gun club-loud as Gods fucking is one way to describe it- in any case, I'll try and get it posted on the site next week when I'm back in Chicago.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Live! From Oklahoma City

Chicago, New York, Los Angeles, Seattle, Boston, Detroit? Those skylines are mere sand castles compared with Oklahoma City!

Greetings from Will Rogers World Airport [World? Not International? Weird- Ed.] I'm in Oklahoma City's airport on a layover between Chicago and Los Angeles. And, yes. Oklahoma is flatter than even the other parts of the Midwest. Furthermore, I've heard "Big'Un" once and "not those kinds" once. It's as if every yokel in the state descended en masse and via tractor to this airport to witness the spectacle of "them thar flyin' contraptions." All that being said, the airport has OMG TEH WIFI! and a sports bar with the NCAA tourney on. "Hello, Beer. Old friend, trusted lover!" In any case here's what's been going on with my life:

Going to LA to visit this roguish character: Ted

I scored an internship with this record label. Yeah, me and Public Relations, we're like Starsky and Hutch or Peanut Butter and Jelly.

And I threw my hat into the ring for a blogging job with the Tyra Banks Show. (fingers snappin') "Oh, Girrrll!"