My Weekend in Milwaukee

I had a bike-tacular weekend in Chicago and Milwaukee. It started on Friday afternoon when a friend convinced me to ride Chicago's Critical Mass with him. I looked at my schedule for Friday evening/night and realized my date with Sienna Miller wasn't til next Friday so I said sure. The only problem with agreeing to doing the "CritMass" was that I knew there were going to be hippies. Hippies who use terms like, "CritMass" and "Harshing my buzz," or such nonsense. After thoroughly covering myself in Hippy-Be-Gone and investing in a six pack of Stroh's my pal Paul and I were ready to rock. We headed southeast towards the Loop and away from the safety of our home base, Logan's Square. We joined up with the biking throng and headed south and west, our destination was the famous Spindle, which is a piece of public art in the middle of a parking lot in a strip mall. The only reason I say it's famous is because it was prominently featured in the "Bohemian Rhapsody" scene in Wayne's World and for the two or three readers to this blog, I'm rather certain you'll know what I'm talking about. Here's a picture if you'd like...




In any case after riding all the way out to the southwest 'burbs and singing a "stirring" Queen medley, Paul and I stopped at Popeye's Chicken on the way home and went to some weird parking lot party where I chatted up a girl from Portland, OR who was wearing some throwback Reebok Pumps, I'm pretty sure they were the 1991 Niques and they were Boss HAWG! After the party I was pretty pooped so I went home and fell asleep. I'll get to the part about Milwaukee at a later time. The highlights were hoping to see a big crash in this boring-ass bike race and stopping at a Woodman's on the way home to buy some beer that's not available in Chicago.

Man, I love writing drunk.

So this morning I woke up with a bit of an h-over and, to my surprised, discovered that I'd been writing last while somewhat inebriated after a night on the town with my friend Erik J. Here is the verbatim transcript straight from Appleworks.

"Normally I don’t talk about the day - to - day goings on and goings out og a slacker Chicago writer, but this shit i s fucking’s hilarious. So the fucking story narrateslike this. I’m peddallling the shit out of MIlwaukeee ave on my chump ass bike that was abike I’ve had to invest more into for upkeep than I was hoping to invest into on a bike. .Suckerdom run up, and most nights I’ spentd my self dawdling i and/or frittering away the hours. Tonight was someting different as Erik J vand I struvk ouy for new horisonz by jumping and crawling from bar to bar. We had a about asd a gay old ttime with one another pre-insertion or sicth Jaeger Boimb and we strwtched out our emotions with a bit thie past Fall a d Winter."

Yeah, so anybody out there in Internet Land who is fluent in Drunk should really get bak to me on what the Hell I was talking about. In any case, Erik and I went on a tour of some off the beaten path bars. At the end of the night on my way home I stopped by the 24 hour McDonalds and tried to order at the drive thru while on my bike. It didn't work and instead of going home I just waited for a person in a car to show up. A green car showed up with this tiny Latina lass rolling up in it and I slow her down and ask if she'll order me a double cheeseburger and small fries. Deal Done! It was awesome. I'd told her to keep the change and she said no, no, you've made my night and that she should be the one paying me. Awwww!

NBA Banterin' Part One

Hey so it's been about a month since the Spurs shoved a cactus up Danny Ferry's dumbass so why don't we take a looksie at what's been going on:

Phoenix Suns Picked up Grant Hill from the Magic, fucking brilliant! Let's see get knocked out by the Spurs for a lack of aggresive interior presence and dudes with no cajones. Yeah, picking up Hill is gonna solve that problem because calling Hill injury prone is like citing the boy in the plastic bubble as infection prone. I've got 20 bucks on Hill's bum ankle breaking into two by December. However, lest we forget: Grant Hill is a no-frills stone cold bad ass on the inside as well. Shit doesn't anybody remember how he cold cocked Shaq after O'Neal grabbed a board by boxing Hill out? It happened and it was awesome.

Memphis Grizzlebies Picked up Darko and Mike Conley Jr. Throw these two into the fray with Rudy, Pau and the duct tape magic and we've got ourselves some first round 08 'offs fodder for Dallas or SA. I forgot who said it first but the Grizzles averaged over 110 points without a point guard last year. This should be an incredibly fun team to watch if still embarassingly bad on the D side of things. If everything goes right I'm saying the Grizzles take out a 2 seeded Phoenix ala G-State did with Big D this year...

Charlotte BobcatsZZZ Ha! See how I put those ZZZs behind the Bobcats name implying that they are boring. Well, it's still true in spite of locking Gerald and nabbing JRich from the Oakland State Warriors. Emeka, Gearld and Jason are gonna make the Playoffs in the depleted East somehow but it ain't gonna be pretty.

O-Town Magic Makers Hocus Pocus! Mickey Mouse Land is more pumped than it has been in years for the riproarin' Orlando Magic, I don't care who their coach is. This team is so much better than it was two months ago. They didn't get much in the draft this year thanks to the Darko deal with Detroit from a few years ago but what they did get in the draft was, guh? A Serbian big, no kidding? The 'Shard and Dwight show with special guest appearances by Jameer Nelso at point guard makes these dudes pretty darn dangerous in the East-I'm looking at you Land of Cleve and Chicago.

Live Free or Die Hard is Soooooo Fucking Good

Well, I just got back from the cinema and they should just cancel the Oscars for this year because Live Free or Die Hard is sweeping the entire fucking event. Best Movie: Live Free or Die Hard, Best Actor: Bruce Willis, LFDH, Best Supporting Actor, The guy from the Apple commercials, LFDH, Best Musical? Live Free Die Hard! No CGI in this and you know what this means? They didn't animate shit blowing up they just blew it up! Yep, tonight was probably top 5 in my summer so far right behind banging all those hot chicks that one time and after catching my first musky! What did I do, you may be wondering. Well I went and ate a full fucking side of pork ribs at Fat Willy's. And then crossed the street and saw the best fucking movie since ... I don't know, a little picture called "Ben Hur." Seriously, I can't think of a better way to work through a Sunday night in the summer then just gorging on barbeque meat and watching all sorts of thing: power plants, the Capitol building, highways, semi-trucks, fighter jets all getting blown to kingdom come. Bruce Willis looks insanely old and I have to assume he was wearing some sorta reinforced plastic girdle or maybe had manplants to compensate for fifty+ years of gravity. BUT the hotness of Mary Elizabeth Winstead and Maggie Q (Get one of the interns to find out if she's the next "Hott" thing. Have them check on their new iPhone.) more than makes up for Brucie's old timer appearance, seriously, he's not making it much longer...