Jackass of the Week

Head Colds

I hate being sick and getting laid low by some treacherous upper-respiratory infection is the worst. In any case, I've been outta commission most of the day. Hopefully, I'll get some content up over the weekend pertaining to the BCS Championship Game, so that y'all have reading material in your cubicles on Monday. Have a good weekend.

Jackass of the Week

In a triumphant return from a self-imposed hiatus that, admittedly, went on for far too long, "Jackass of the Week" is back with a vengeance this week.

This Week's Honor Goes To...


Cash Warren. Yes, Cash Warren is the son of a bitch who got Jessica Alba knocked up. Unfortunately, the staff of suddenlystruttin does not have Cash's home address so we cannot personally deliver the award* one wins for claiming Jackass of the Week, but one can hope that as the roles Alba is handed in Hollywood dry up, Cash will receive his karmic comeuppance.


Once more for posterity's sake, siggghhh.

*A thorough and savage beating.

Midweek Updates

A morbid and somber collection of (mostly) celebrity-related links on this All Hallows Eve. Also, what with it being Halloween, how many of the suddenlystruttin readership is dressing up and going out tonight? I can't completely explain it, but Halloween to many 20 somethings means more now as an opportunity to get wasted and/or lucky than it did as a chance to get free candy as a kid. I can completely understand the superficialities, I mean, isn't alcohol simply candy for grown ups? But there's something else there too, the costumes et cetera... In any case tell everybody what your costume is in the comments and be safe out there, don't drink anything with a razor blade sticking out of it.





RIP Robert Goulet
There are countless times when I wished Robert Goulet was my dad and, hmmm, that's about it, actually, I'm pretty sure I'll remember him more from the Will Ferrell skits on SNL.

Genius! I always hated the Jackass spinoff shows on MTV, in particular Bam Margera's show and his personality really grated on me. Completely unfunny cock knocker who'd wiped out sans helmet one too many times. The shadenfreude is off the charts with this story. The best part is the quote, "just kill me now!" Nice, dude.

Early leader and surefire winner of Jack Ass of the Week Ladies if you live in Phoenix and work at Hooters please remember to remove your baby from the car.

Jack Ass of the Week: Barf Alert!

This Guy! He's an artist. He's surgically implanted an ear in his arm. And Ladies, he's single!*


"So, I held my cell up to my arm and said, "Can you ear me now?"


*Cannot attest to veracity of that statement, please consult suddenlystruttin's legal team.
** Thanks to The Big Lead for the linkage!

Jack Ass of The Week! Plus, Other Accolades

LeBron James. Uhh, dude, are you sure it's smart to be the public face of your hometown basketball franchise and sport the competitor's hat? Even as a marginal baseball fan and native Ohioan I know enough to loathe the Yankees and (sorta) cheer for the Indians. Next time the Cavs come to Chicago I'm totally not hanging out with LeBron and when he txts me with like, "Broseph, where u @?" I'll be all like, "Pshh, whatev, me and my fly girls be all up in Le Passage and your skeez ass isn't even invited." Then I'll snap my fingers and get all sassy like Gina from Martin.


Honorable Mention


Coffee shops that charge for refills. I'm a huge cheapskate but always make a point of tipping coffee store folks at least 75 cents to a dollar. It's a crappy job and you've gotta deal with tool shed customers making innane chit-chat with you all day long. Do you know how annoying it is, upon tipping some coffee nerd, to have to pay 50 cents to 75 cents to get a refill? Well, it's kinda annoying and then I have all of this change in my pocket and it falls out when I'm doing acrobatic and death-defying maneuvers in my job as Liger tamer.


More Plaudits!

Travis Henry!

Sir, I salute you. First, earlier this past summer it was announced that you have sired nine children with different baby mommas, a feat alone that nominates you for Time's Man of The Year Award. And now, you're suing the NFL for trying to suspend your stoned ass, wrongfully accused self for one year. Why? All because you smoked a little too much pot. I think I speak for everyone when I say, "The world would be a much better place with more Travis Henry's out there." Yes sir, more Travis Henry and Shawn Kemps, exactly what this world needs!

Mad Props to dogtown surfer for name dropping the suddenlystruttin on his blog. Thanks! We've got like ten extra readers over here all wondering why they bothered. Seriously, read dogtown's blog, it's extremely funny and smart-ish sounding.

The Jack Ass of The Week Award: It's BACK, Baby!

Irresponsible Wildlife Management: I was having a conversation about this Jackassery with a friend of mine, and he sorta looked up and said, "Serisously, fuck a salmon," and I can't put it more concisely than that. Let's review the policy of the California DNR to make sure we've got all the missteps correct.

Imaginary conversation between me and Public Relations guy from California:

Tony Ritz: "Okay, so you're certain killing off the entire fish population of a whole lake to wipe out one species, is the best idea you could employ?"

Cal. PR Guy. "Yes, you can bet your bottom dollar."

Me: "Hmmm, but what about poisoning a source of drinking water to an entire town?"

CPRG: "You got it and those moron's tax dollars are paying for this!" [Puttin on a somber air of professionalism] "Well, we've made arrangements for them to get healthy drinking water."

Me: "Okay, but, I mean, you guys looked into this and you're sure it's going to work, right?"

CPRG: "Uhh, well, no... not exactly"

Me: "Oh, you mean, you attempted this same feat in 1997 and the fish you were trying to exterminate made a full recovery within two years?"

CPRG: "This interview is over!"


Honorable Mention

The lard ass mofo who was eating a cheeseburger with one hand and holding a paper plate full of potato chips with the other, all while attempting to drive her car down down a city street and nearly hit me in the process. Fat Woman Driver, I salute you. If it weren't for your negligent driving and wanton craving of trans-fats to add more girth to your already supple ass, gut and arm fat reserves, I would not have been able to test out and challenge my own dexterity and agility while crossing the street. Thanks!

*Photo Credit The LA Times

You Might Already be a Winner!

I know it's only Tuesday, but on the same half-block stretch of California Ave. I saw two very strong contenders for Jackass of the Week Honors. Our first entrant was some hipster chump sporting those tapered Levi's that are all the rage this year along with a zipped up pleather jacket in sunny 84 degree weather with a humidity of around 90%. Normally, this would be enough but to aid in his nomination he was also like 6'6 and was wearing doofus hipster glasses. On any given week, I would've given this fella the trophy (punch to the solar plexus) on the spot. BUT right down the road was an equally ambitious go-getter of all things jackassery entails. Yep, some jerk ass was taking a piss on the side of the road in plain day light behind only a recycling bin and there was a mom with a stroller like ten feet in front of him. I need to get another digicam and a plaque for these "awesome competitors" ASAP.