Corn fed Caucus

In spite of this site's time-honored mantra/lifestyle of rampant boozing, mocking of floozies and sending out death threats to Cash Warren; the staff and I occasionally [and completely by accident, I might add. -Ed.] post a humorous, honest portrayal of life, such is the case today. One of my longtime cohorts has recently returned from the violent, bizarre hinterland known as "Iowa"* where he was working for one of the presidential nominees in the months leading up to the Iowa Caucus last week. Here is his story.

Full disclosure: I was roped into penning this blog post as rent payment for Tony allowing me to crash on his couch for the next few days. Let's just say it was preferable to the other option.

I write to you as a free man, someone who is thankfully a couple hundred miles on the civilized side of the Iowa border. For the past three months, I've lived in Des Moines and worked on a presidential campaign. I've been locked in a windowless building, endured miserable hours, eaten a shameful amount of pizza, smoked entirely too many cigarettes and endured miserable weather.

However, despite it all, I am still happy that I made the choice to move to Iowa. So, allow me to share with you the three things that you need to know about the Iowa caucuses so that you too can sound like an embittered, exhausted and beaten down campaign operative.

Iowa and Iowans are completely unremarkable.

You have most likely never considered the state of Iowa or the plight of Iowans and I implore you to continue to do so. It would be unfair to bash Iowans unnecessarily, though it would also be unfair to assign them mystical qualities that allow them to look deep into the souls of political candidates. You will often hear anecdotal evidence about how Iowans are better informed politically than the rest of the country. This is a complete lie.

Like every other state in the union, a few Iowans are extremely well informed politically, however the vast majority don't give a shit. The myth that Iowans are better informed was merely developed as a justification for allowing Iowa to hold the first-in-the-nation caucus. Given the fact that Iowa has few urban centers and even fewer minorities, it is actually ill suited to determine the presidential nominee (the same holds true for New Hampshire). States like Ohio, Pennsylvania and Michigan, with their excellent mix of urban and rural populations, immigrant populations and varying political views would serve as much better venues. However, you shouldn't fault Iowans for fighting tooth and nail to retain its status given the amount of money and attention that is directed at the state.

The fate of the free world is decided by children.

Campaign staff is largely made of people in the twenties. This is not just the field organizers and interns – this includes senior staff and managers. This leads to embarrassing drunken outings in which you witness coworkers and senior staff members drunkenly pawing at one another and engaging in reckless and awesome behavior. Personally, I applaud such behavior, especially given the stressful and lonely environment that people are forced to work. However, it is important to dispel the myth that old white men in suits are directing the ship. For those looking to relive their college escapades, there is no better place to go then a presidential campaign.

Caucuses are awful and undemocratic.

Given the unprecedented amount of money that was poured into the Iowa caucuses and the unusually completive nature of the race this past year, some light was shed into the bizarre process that is a caucus. If you still don't know what a caucus is, don't fret, because the vast majority of Iowans – including, I suspect many of last week's attendees – have no idea how it works. The most common misconceptions regarding a caucus were that is takes place in Des Moines, that you have to give a speech and that it costs money. While all of those are false, there is still enough silliness and absurdity that does take place to consider the entire ritual a farce.

In the Democratic party caucus, instead of casting a ballot, a caucus-goer must stand in a corner to support a candidate. (In fact, one does not have to caucus for a candidate and can instead caucus for an issue, like Darfur or ice cream) After the first counts are taken, people supporting other candidates can try to persuade others to move over to their corner. Now, despite the copious talking points provided by each campaign, the exchange would often go like this:

“Frank, what are you doing supporting Hillary?”

“Because I like her health-care plan.”

“Frank, come on. I shoveled your walk last week, come and stand with me in the Obama corner. Also, Debbie made some of her nice sugar cookies that everyone is enjoying over there.”

Much of the caucus is devoted to crowd control. That is, keeping other campaign's supporters away from your supporters. Finally, one can not absentee caucus. So, that means that senior citizens fearful of the weather – a contributing factor to Hillary's loss – those working at 7pm, and, perhaps most egregious, soldiers serving abroad can not participate.

The caucuses are over and done with to the relief of a great many, including myself. The process and the parties involved represent the height of absurdity and one is tempted to laugh until they realize that they this process will ultimately decide the next president of the United States.




*Native American for "Land of corn and fat, boring, pale-faces."