Big Ten Finale

Mercifully the grizzled ol' dog that is the Big Ten Conference was put out of it's misery yesterday. Fortunately none of the "teams" shall be heard from until the glut of bowl games assaults us with contests bearing names such as Champs Sports Bowl and the CarQuest Bowl, unfortunately, my proposal for a Hooters Bowl was denied. One day... Moving on to the actual games, I correctly predicted the outcome of every Big Ten game this week, if not the scores.

Illinois 41, Team Slumpbuster 22
The Fightin' Native Americans dominated this game. Team Slumpbuster never had a chance.

Indiana 27, Purdue 24
Hoosier kicker Austin Starr iced the game with a 49 yd FG with 30 ticks left as Indiana beat their in-state rival and James Hardy finished the season with at least one touchdown in every game-except for the Wisco game.

Michigan State 35, Paterno State 31
MSU showed up in all of it's manic glory, allowing Penn State to race out to 17 point lead before clawing back into the game and finally taking the lead for good with four minutes left. After that it was merely waiting for Penn State's Morelli's ineptitude to take over. In any case, it was a rare reversal of fortunes for Michigan Stae to be on the other side of a second half comeback attempt. Regardless of what bowl Penn State ends up in, this season has to be categorized as a minor disappointment at best.

Wisconsin 41, Minnesota 34
Holy Christ was I nervous about UW's chances thru the first three quarters of this game. To have to have suffered the ignominy of knowing that the Badgers provided the Golden Gophers with their only conference win would've been too much. Lucky for me I was able to sheath the ceremonial hari-kari sword for another year...

Ohio State 14, Michigan 3
Lllllater Lllllloyd. Ugly game to watch and, surely, a painful game for the Great Lakes State to have watched. I feel minor twinges of saddness for Mike Hart at the thought of him never beating Ohio State, but those notions are quickly dashed when I envision the first phat NFL check he signs as a rookie next spring.

*Look for some Bowl Destination Predictions in the coming days.

Weekend Wrap Up: What Happened Edition

Ohio State lost, Michigan lost and Team Slumpbuster beat Indiana. Signs of the Appocalypse? Hardly, no, these results are merely more indicators of the absolute shittiness of the Big Ten this year. Onwards. To the Reviews!

Illinois 28 Ohio State 21
Much like the bullet-proof flak jackets, SWAT members wear to keep those bullets on the outside, can be penetrated with the blade of a knife Ohio State's "bullet-proof" defense weaved out of spare limbs, steroids and Kevlar finally met their match. The knife in this case was Illinois' mobile, "athletic" Juice Williams who tortured the Buckeyes' linebackers and secondary all day. A combo of keepers and juuuust enough passes with juuust enough accuracy to slice thru the layers of scarlet and gray Kevlar of OSU and suddenly the Buckeyes were on the ground bleeding and radioing back to HQ, "Demanding back-up, Officer down! Officer down!" Meanwhile, Todd Boeckman showed his worst side at the worst possible moment throwing 3 picks to no TDs and, indeed, eating a huge dick/laying a gigantic egg/choking when he should've been ice cold. Beanie Wells did what he could against a stout and resilient Illini defense, however, Beanie was only one man in a frontier land fraught with upset and situations tOSU had been unfamiliar with all year.

Wisconsin 37 Michigan 21
Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle! I did not foresee this at all, and when I checked in on the score midway thru the second quarter at an Irish pub in New York City, I was shocked. I didn't get to see most of this game but judging from the box score UW's patented-if not erratic- "Strangulator" defense showed up as opposed to the cartoon pirate-badger defense that they've favored for most of the season. Wisconsin was also the beneficiary of having Michigan's backup QB and backup running back in for the majority of the game, once again proving the axiom, "Tis better to be fortunate than wise." In any case, UW has now won two out of the past three games against the Wolverines, which may be a sign that the worm is slowly, oh, so slowly turning in UW's favor in this most lopsided of series'.

Paterno State 31 Temple 0
What do you know, I totally called the points total for PSU, sadly, PSU's defense performed far too admirably and pitched the shut-out. Unbelievably, PSU held Temple to only 4!!! yards of rushing offense which is downright amazing. Yes, I am considering how shitty Temple is: 4 yards is still 4!! yards.

Team Slumpbuster 31 Indiana 28
Indiana displayed in all of it's glory their typical and controversial French military-themed defensive scheme of "letting the other team's players run into the end zone." Based off the Maginot Line and the hope that Kellen Lewis and James Hardy will score enough points, the Hoosiers defense could not slow down Team Slumpbuster and ended up losing. C'est la vie!


The Maginot Line: Not just for the French!

Minnesota, Iowa, Michigan State and Purdue all competed as well, but, frankly, I could give two shits about any of those games...

Tidy Package of Big Ten Games

In between forties being drank in Columbus I did have the opportunity to witness some real, live, college football on one of them magic "picture" boxes. With my own eyes I witnessed Michigan State blow another fourth quarter lead...Team ChokeArtist? Onward with the weekend reviews!

Iowa 28 Team Slumpbuster 17
Well, Team Slumpbuster lived up to their name and protected their rep for another week. Meanwhile, the Hawkeyes have strung together a two game win streak and have won three of four, all with an offense that still struggles to get across the opponents 50. Fortunately, NW threw three ints to make things nice and simple for Iowa's offense.

Indiana 38 Ball State 20
James Hardy, Kellen Lewis, Austin Starr: Ballin', straight ballin.

Paterno State 26 Purdue 19
Did not catch any of this game, but the score probably shouldn't have been this close. Still Paterno State did keep Purdue's offense out of the end zone.

Michigan 28 Michigan State 24 Michigan's pre-ordained Big Ten Title is still intact thanks to yet, another, collapse of Titanic proportions on Michigan State's part. Holy Shit! That's three blown fourth quarter leads for MSU this season! I mean, we've seen this before and even before that: here. But, WOW! This is getting embarassingly inadequate.

Weekend Wrap Up: Hopes vs Reality edition

Another weekend of Big Ten football games washed away like so many sand castles along the shores of Lake Michigan; and with the midway point of the season upon us, I felt it was an opportune time to discuss and reflect upon the hopes that teams may have had and the realities they are now forced to live with. Onward!

Wisconsin, 5-2

Preseason Hope:



A run at the National Championship game and at worst a "mere" appearance in the Rose Bowl as the Big Ten representative. Wisconsin would live up to its mascot's reputation as a cunning, aggressive and opportunistic omnivore. They would raid the tents of their Big Ten opposition and , indeed, be "scoffin ur foods" and at the same time crushing their opponent's will to live.

Midseason Reality



A mere two weeks ago UW was still undefeated, undeniably a shaky undefeated, but still undefeated. After two straight losses to Illinois and Paterno State and with tilts against Michigan and Ohio State still to come the Badgers need to re-evaluate their space in existence. Instead of manifesting the irascible nature of their mascot's temperament, UW has instead, focused on the cuddly and non-threatening images that are connoted upon merely glancing at the cartoon pirate badger that MS Paint hath wrought.

Prediction "Avast! Set sail for adventure on the placid and middling seas of Tampa for a date in the Outback Bowl. Yarr, and save me a Bloomin' Onion"

Illinois

Preseason Hopes none.

Midseason Reality Bound for a bowl game for the first time in half a decade. They still have to face Michigan and Ohio State, so, think more-Music City than Capital One.

Prediction Zook Fever! Catch It. I'm assuming that Zook is going to be teaming up with Dane Cook for some hott recruiting videos to capture more Rashard Mendenhalls and Juice Williams. Not sure if Illinios' immediate future is quite at Timbuk 3 levels yet, but it's looking better and better.

Ohio State

Preseason Hope Big Ten title, Rose Bowl berth, Silencin' the haters after their abysmal showing against Florida last January.

Midseason Reality Shockingly, Ohio State is number one in the first BCS rankings and haven't played a single quality opponent. Big Ten title and National Title berth are completely within Tressel's grasp. Will have to beat Penn State, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan and of those four only the Wolverines are sizing up as a "threat."


"I ain't a mad rapper, I'm just an emcee wit' a temper."


Prediction Inevitably, tOSU will lose at least one game and probably go to the Rose Bowl as the Big Ten Champ. Could slip to a BCS at-large team, but I don't really see them not going to the Rose, unless disaster strikes.

Minnesota ...not going there.

More to come later...

Weekend Wrap Up

Another weekend come and gone and a few more frauds to the Big Ten crown have been revealed: Good-bye Purdue and Wisconsin. Ohio State, Illinois and Michigan, you're all still eligible to win the Big Ten! Granted, that's not as big of a deal as it sometimes is; it's more like winning the special Olympics this year, so even if you win, maybe keep it on the "DL."

"Man, I'm sooo high. What? We lost the game? We were playing in a game? You mean besides Madden '07?"

Illinois 31 Wisconsin 26 I was totally right about Illinois upsetting a ranked team for the second week in a row. Also, I was totally right about the Fightin' Illini scoring 31 points and was less than a touchdown away from correctly guessing the points total. Clairvoyance, bitches! Rashard Mendenhall, of course, dominated UW's gooey and nougat filled rush defense-also, as I totally predicted. Lo, and what's this? A relic from Tony's first attempt at a blog:

The future for the Illini looks slightly brighter in (already) pro potential tailback Rashard Mendenhall, as a frosh he got very little attention or play time but he'll be blowing up against the NCS opponents and startling the bejesus out of unprepared/untested Big Ten linebacking corps. and D-lines. -I'm looking at you Ohio State & Penn State.
Think of Mendenhall as a larger and more aggresive Tyrell Sutton-for now-I'm hedging my bets with U of Illinois but Mendenhall looked good in the few seconds I saw him last year...

As for Wisconsin, it was a nice run while it lasted; and hey! Madison is still a much better college town than Urbana.

Ohio State 23 Purdue 7 As "totally right" as I was about the Illinois UW game. I was like, totally, totally wrong on the outcome of this. What was learned? Purdue's offense is a shill. Like "incredible land deals in Florida" that turn out to be primo real estate for egrets and alligators; Purdue's offense was hyped by slick con-men looking to make a fast buck/garner interest in Big Ten offense that is totally still "teh SUX." Meanwhile, tOSU's defense is still well-nigh invulnerable and have still only had one game where the opposition scored more than one touchdown. Most impressive, even upon considering whom they've played.

Indiana 40 Minnesota 20 Indiana only had to punt twice. James Hardy had 85 yards and one TD. I was totally right about this outcome and came within a touchdown of nailing the points total. Woot!

Northwestern 48 Michigan State 41 In a collision between Team Slumpbuster and Team Choke Artist, the Slumpbusters pulled it out in overtime. Northwestern's offense is slightly better than Michigan State's and both team's defenses are atrocious. Also, it seems as thought MSU doesn't need John L. Smith to choke away a lead or blow close games, who'd have thunk it?

Michigan 33 Eastern Michigan 22 Michigan enjoyed their bye week as they watched their non-starters and JV squad compete against Eastern Michigan's starters.

Paterno State 27 Iowa7 Don't let the score fool you. Morreli was still barely competent in throwing two picks to one touchdown and 233 yards. For PSU fans, at least Austin Scott was barred from entering the stadium.

Nittany Lions excel on the field and in the classroom.

Weekend Wrap Up

Posting very late this "morning," "Hello, noon!" But, that's just what happens when you spend your Sunday helping a friend move, trying to finish an article (didn't happen) and sneaking in a bbq/game of "Celebrities." For the minority of suddenlystruttin readership that actually cares about college football, I suggest reading Orson Swindle's take on this madcap weekend that was. To recap the Big Ten weekend stay tuned right here, because here's the the Big Ten recap:

Michigan 28 Northwestern 16 Michigan is still very much alive for a BCS berth and a Big Ten crown, which begs the question, "Does a team that lost to a D-1AA team deserve a BCS berth?" But that's neither here nor there, for now. Northwestern, meanwhile, after a few modest seasons of success earlier in the decade seems to be reacquainting itself with it's favored status as "slumpbuster" to the rest of college football. Heck, even, resident-ACC slumpbuster, Duke, got in on the hot Northwestern action earlier this year. Fret not NW fans you've still got academics and haughtiness to hold over the rest of us, lesser, Big Ten creatures.

Paterno State 20 Illinois 27 Mad props to myself for correctly predicting both the winning team and winning margin of victory in this one, woot! I was playfully chided, via text message, from a PSU backing friend of mine on Saturday morning with something along the lines of:

I can't believer u r picking Ron Zook & a QB named Juice to win!

Hours later and from the same PSU fan:

Shit fuck cock

Awwww, the powers of Anthony Morreli really must do wonders to PSU fans blood pressure levels.

Indiana 38 Iowa 20 Mad props to myself, again, for correctly predicting that Monsieurs Hardy and Lewis of Indiana's offense would burn up the air space directly above Kinnick Stadium in Iowa City as the Hoosies dropped 38! on a heretofore impressive Hawkeye defense. The Hawkeye offense, well, it still needs "a little bit of tweaking."

Ohio State 30 Minnesota 7 The Buckeye's defense is beginning to resemble more and more the constrictor-esque, life strangling capabilities of 2005 and 2002 editions of tOSU defensive squads. Tressel's boys are yielding the third fewest points per game and second fewest yards per game, in the nation. Minnesota, predictably, continues to go through a ton of growing pains in year one of their regime change from Mason to their current spread-happy coach.

Wisconsin 37 Michigan State 34 Thanks to some foolish and fortuitous Spartan penalties, the Badgers maintained the nation's longest winning streak. But, of their past six victories only one has been marginally inspiring and/or borderline dominant. Other than that, UW's wins have all been of the ugly and or lucky variety and sooner or later this is going to bite them in the ass. Right now, Wisconsin is the shakiest top ten team in all the land. As for Michigan State, well, they've got the Northwestern Slumpbusters this weekend, so, they're gonna be just fine.