Bar Life

Hope everybody had a great weekend. The suddenlystruttin' staff and I went out pretty hard on Saturday night and ended up falling down a ton on the walk home. Of course, we'll all blame the extremely icy and treacherously cracked sidewalks of Humboldt Park/Logan Square and not our inebriated states for the pratfall-filled walk home. On our Saturday night journey to Drunk Town, we had the great opportunity to compare what we normally do, uhh, get hammered at a local dive bar; with what the "other half" does on a Saturday night, uhh, get hammered at an incredibly tony club in the Loop. After our extremely in-depth researching we've come to a number of conclusions and here's our report:

BARS IN COMPARISON: An exhaustively comprehensive report on how different groups of people get drunk.

NEIGHBORHOOD DIVE: Ronny's
POSH LOOP BAR: Underground

DRINK SPECIALS:
Ronny's: $2 Cans of PBR, $3 Shots of Jim Beam and-real head-scratcher- $3 Shots of Baily's.
Underground $400 for table service, $6 Bottles of Amstel Light.

GENERAL ATMOSPHERE:
Ronny's: Not unpleasant, but certainly not welcoming. More along the lines of "Hurry up and get drunk and then leave," actually, a lot like a hooker/John relationship.

Undergound: Haughtiness mixed with a "What kind of car do you drive" air of entitlement. Vapidness lords over this environ and he dares you to try and have an enlightening or, hell, chuckle-worthy conversation over the thundering beats his deejay provides.

CLIENTELE:
Ronny's: Logan Square hipsters and Logan Square Latinos. Be ready for foppish and undersized dudes rockin' scarves, denim jackets and a somber air of melancholy. The women for the most part resemble the men in dress and fashion, usually, just trust your instincts and look for facial hair. If there's an attempt at irony in the mustache it's most likely a dude...I guess.

Underground:Anorexic model-wannabes sporting a jealous rage in their eyes over the cleavage and/or ass and legs of the women servers who work the tables. On the male side of things, expect a forecast of Metrosexual with a 65% chance of douche bag. Button-downs and expensive jeans are the norm. Sidenote: JaeggerBombs were conspicuously and thankfully absent from Underground. I was left to assume they were too "middle-class."

IN THE BATHROOM YOU'LL FIND...
Ronny's A piss-stained floor, a dangling and singular light bulb providing all the illumination you could ever hope for and maybe, if you're lucky, a hobo willing to stab you with a broken bottle.

Underground: Serviceable and multiple urinals. A bathroom attendant named Sylvester. Free cigarettes, tons of bathroom toiletries, a tip jar and, if you're lucky, a CBOT trader offering bumps of yay.

I FORCED MYSELF TO...
Ronny's: Say hello to people I didn't really want to talk to.
Underground: Say hello to people I didn't really want to talk to.

CONCLUSIONS:
Yuppies, in spite, of their opulent lifestyle manage to squeeze the fun out of getting hammered. Seriously, the only person I could talk to was Sylvester the bathroom attendant. Ronny's, though far from ideal, offers so much more bang for the proverbial buck. Also, who doesn't love making fun of hipsters?